Always Yours
by madeleine68
Summary: Set during Conviction. Alex returns to Olivia. A/O, of course. THE LAST CHAPTER IS UP! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: They all belong to Dick Wolf.**

**This takes place after **_**Hostage **_**(**_**Conviction **_**episode), when Alex is back from WPP. That's the episode where the ADAs get taken hostage in the courtroom. Before Witness Protection, Alex and Olivia were dating. This starts out Alex/Robert but ends up A/O.**

Alex lay in bed with Robert that night, staring up at the ceiling and wishing she could call Olivia. She wanted to. She knew she should – Olivia had called her earlier, for the seventh time since she'd returned from Witness Protection. Alex had been home, but she hadn't answered the phone, instead letting the voicemail pick it up. "Hey, Alex," Olivia had said, clearing her throat. "Um, I just wanted to see how you're doing. I heard what happened at the courthouse and I'm glad everyone's fine. Well, everyone except Congressman Knowles, and that's – well, anyway, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. If you need to talk, I'm still here. So, um, I guess you're busy, so just call me when you get a chance, if you want to talk. Otherwise, I guess I won't bother you again." Alex could hear her sigh over the phone. "I'm glad Robert's there for you."

As Alex heard the tinny, automated voice saying, "End of messages," she felt her stomach clench almost painfully. Because no, Robert _wasn't _there for her, and she realized then what a bad decision she'd made, out of shame. She'd given up Olivia, who would surely be holding her tonight and comforting her and gently rubbing her back, for Robert. She didn't love him. She loved Olivia, but she knew she didn't deserve Olivia after all she'd done, and she needed someone on her arm.

Robert was a good man, just a bit selfish. And shallow. And materialistic. And arrogant. He cared about her; she was sure of that. But he didn't love her.

When she'd gotten home after the longest day she'd had ever since Mike Randolph had been gunned down, Robert hadn't hugged her as she longed to be hugged, held her as she longed to be held, kissed her as she longed to be kissed. With him, she was afraid to let her guard down, afraid to show her vulnerability, to cry or to ask for the comfort she so desperately needed. Olivia had always been able to read her so well that she didn't have to ask, but she couldn't ask Robert for any of those things. She didn't want him to think she was weak. With Olivia, she could just be herself, but with Robert, she needed to keep her guard up. She needed to be stronger.

So Robert had met her at the door and asked her if she wanted to go out for a nice, romantic dinner. She wondered how clueless he could possibly be – couldn't he see that she wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for a million years, trying to forget the absolute terror she'd felt when she feared that four of her colleagues were going to be killed? Couldn't he see that what she needed right now was to be soothed, rather than going out to some swanky restaurant and being forced to erect her impenetrable façade again, so people would look at them, the power couple, and marvel at how quickly Alexandra Cabot was able to bounce back from this? "The Ice Princess," they'd murmur in almost reverent tones, "she's so strong." And Alex was.

At least, she pretended to be.

With Olivia, she'd never needed to pretend anything. She could just be herself.

But she'd agreed, gone out with Robert and plastered a smile on her face for nearly three hours, choked down her veal scaloppini. When she got home and he wanted to have sex, she didn't say no, although she really didn't want to. She hated having sex with him, because each time it reminded her of what she had lost. When she made love with Olivia, Olivia treated her gently, delicately, tenderly. She had wanted to give Alex as much pleasure as she possibly could, and every time she made Alex feel so special, like she was the only person who mattered in Olivia's world, and the only person who ever would. And she'd given all that up – for this.

She lay still on the bed as Robert thrust into her, and mechanically moved along with him, forcing small noises of pleasure past her lips, for Robert's benefit.

When he finished, he flopped down on the bed beside her, never realizing how much she needed physical closeness after such an intimate act. She was a cuddler, although she'd never admitted it to anyone except Olivia before. Olivia had just known, instinctively. Olivia had always held her after they made love. She remembered how it felt to be wrapped up in Olivia's warm arms, knowing she was safe and loved, and entertaining the notion that she always would be.

Robert, on the other hand, wasn't the touchy-feely type. Alex never had been either – she'd never enjoyed cuddling until she met Olivia and realized how good it could feel, but now she needed it. After they had sex, Robert would just move to his side of the bed and fall asleep, snoring lightly as Alex moved to hers, curled up in a ball, and tried to sleep.

Tonight, she looked up at the ceiling, wishing she was with Olivia, cradled in Olivia's warm embrace, with the detective hugging her, kissing her, loving her, telling her that she'd done the best she could today, that she'd stayed calm and gotten everyone out of the situation, and that her ADAs were safe and that was all that mattered, and not to blame herself for Congressman Knowles' death because there truly wasn't any way she could have known, anything else she could have done. Olivia would rub her back, stroke her hair, and let Alex cry if she needed to.

Right now, she really needed to cry.

"Olivia," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself and pretending that it was Olivia holding her. She glanced at Robert, sleeping soundly beside her, and suddenly she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stay here, with him. She needed to be with the woman she loved.

She scribbled Robert a note, just in case he woke up and found her gone, just saying she went for a walk to think some things through.

She pulled on a sweatshirt and walked out into the night, and before she knew it, her feet had carried her to Olivia's apartment.

Alex stood outside for a moment, wondering if she really wanted to do this. It was after midnight . . . Olivia could be sleeping . . . Alex didn't want to wake her . . . didn't want to disturb her . . . she could be at the precinct . . . someone else could be home with her . . . another woman . . . she could have found someone else.

These were all just excuses, of course, and Alex went inside anyway.

Her heart was pounding as she walked the six flights of stairs up to Olivia's apartment. She hadn't been here in years – even when they were dating, Olivia usually came over to her place. It was larger, nicer, and had an elevator. Olivia was rarely at her apartment, so she never had more than beer in her fridge, and the place was usually a mess. And although she wasn't necessarily against exercise, and went for a jog every morning through Central Park, Alex still didn't appreciate the six floor walk up.

She hesitated for just a moment before knocking on Olivia's door. Part of her hoped that Olivia's wouldn't be home, wouldn't answer, so she could just go back home, shrug it off, say she'd tried and Olivia didn't want her anymore and that would be the end of it. She could stop hoping for a better life, for something more than just settling for an existence with a man she didn't love.

But she was out of luck. A moment later, the door swung open, and Olivia stood in the doorway, holding her gun.

Alex stepped back instinctively when she saw the weapon. "Whoa there, Detective." She raised her hands in surrender. "It's just me."

Olivia dropped the gun, her eyes widening in surprise as she looked at Alex, then narrowing in suspicion. "Yes?" she said coldly, and Alex winced, but she knew she deserved that.

She sighed. "How about we start with hello?" Honestly, she couldn't expect Olivia to take her back right away as if nothing had happened. She deserved Olivia's anger, her aloofness.

"Hi, Alex," Olivia said quietly, then folded her arms across her chest. "Why are you here?"

Alex bit her lip. "May I come in?"

Olivia stepped aside, and Alex sat down on her couch. Olivia sat down on the other side of the couch and watched her carefully.

Alex took a deep breath. "You said you were here if I wanted to talk."

"I did," Olivia said cautiously.

"You said that seven times."

"That's right. I did."

"And I didn't return your calls."

Alex could hear the pain in Olivia's voice as she said, "That's right. You didn't."

"And I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed. "That's not going to cut it, Alex."

"Then why did you call me today?"

"Because I was worried about you. I thought you might need me."

Alex met Olivia's eyes and admitted the one thing she'd never said out loud before, only through her actions. "I do."

She felt Olivia soften at that. "Then why didn't you ever call me back, Alex? I missed you. I wanted to talk to you. I wouldn't have made you come back to me – I just wanted to hear your voice."

Alex looked away. "I wanted to come back to you."

"Then why didn't you?"

"I was – I was –" _I was afraid_, she wanted to say, but she couldn't admit it. Not even to Olivia. "I just – I'd pick up the phone – and then I'd remember."

"Remember what?"

"That you saw me get shot."

"So?"

Alex's head snapped up. "What do you mean, _so_? Do you have any idea how hard that was, to let you see me like that?"

Olivia nodded. "I do, Alex. And that's why I wished you'd just let me be there for you."

Alex sighed, the fight draining from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I know." Olivia sighed, too. "So where do we go from here, Alex?"

"I want to try again."

"Oh, Alex. You're _engaged_. To a man. To a Wall Street tycoon who makes more money each week than I do in an entire year. He can give you everything I can't."

"He doesn't love me." _And you do, _Alex didn't add. She was aware how juvenile she sounded, how impossible the whole situation was, and that she'd brought it upon herself. But she couldn't help it.

Olivia turned away. "Then maybe you should have thought about that before you had sex with him."

Alex flinched. She deserved that. "It's not the same –"

"You didn't want it to be."

Alex dropped her eyes. "No, I didn't. I wanted to forget you. I thought it would hurt less."

There it was, the truth, out there in the open. How could Olivia deny her now, the thing she needed most, now and always? "I never forgot you."

"I know. I knew you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

Olivia sighed again. "I still love you," she whispered. "I don't know how to stop."

Alex reached out and took her hand. "You don't have to."

Olivia pulled her hand away. "No. You're not mine anymore, and I'm not yours. You have someone else. You're his, not mine. Not anymore."

Alex bristled at that, but she understood what Olivia meant. And the truth was that she was still Olivia's, and she always would be. "But Olivia," she finally said, "I don't want to be."

Olivia's voice hardened. "That's your cross to bear."

Alex sat there for a moment, just staring at Olivia. Then she said quietly, "I guess I deserve that."

Olivia closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean that."

"Every time I go to sleep with Robert, I think of you," Alex said. "I think of the way you used to hold me, how you used to kiss me every night before bed and tell me you loved me, how you used to treat me so well."

"Alex, stop it. I didn't ask for this. You chose not to come back to me, even though I would have gladly taken you back. You chose not to call, even though you knew I wanted to hear from you. You got yourself into this situation."

Alex looked away. "I was ashamed."

"Why? What was there to be ashamed of? You were shot. That wasn't your fault."

"Because I didn't drop the case when you told me to. If I had just done as you said, I wouldn't have been in that situation, but no, I had to be right, I always knew best. Until I didn't."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "So you were ashamed of being _wrong _for the first time in your life? Welcome to being human, Alex!"

Alex sighed, realizing how silly that sounded. "No, that's not it. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry, Olivia. I'll leave." She got up off the couch and started toward the door, but Olivia's hand on her arm stopped her.

"Stay," Olivia said. "Sit down. We're going to finish this discussion."

Alex swallowed hard and did as she was told.

Olivia bit her lip and changed the subject, speaking more gently now. "So after today, how are you holding up?"

Alex sighed again and shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Alex, it's me. You don't have to pretend."

"Okay, quite poorly if you must know. And Robert – he doesn't understand. He took me out for dinner at a five star restaurant – I guess he thought that would make me feel better. Then we came home and he wanted to have sex. I didn't say no. I didn't know how. But I didn't want to. That's just the way it is with us. It's never you, Liv."

Olivia flinched at the nickname. "Alex, that's what you wanted. That's what you chose."

"I know, and I was wrong. And I don't want it anymore."

"Alex, it's too late for that now. You can't just change your mind and decide you want me back right this very minute. Who knows? Tomorrow you might want Robert back!"

"Never."

Olivia leaned forward slightly, concern in her eyes. "Alex, did he hurt you?"

"No. He just doesn't love me. And you – you always did." She looked down at her lap. "You always made me feel special." She met Olivia's eyes again. "And I know that sounds so selfish – like I only miss you because you made me feel good about myself. I miss you because you're you, and I – I love you. I always have. I always will. I made a mistake letting you go, and I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Olivia looked at Alex for a long moment, then echoed her earlier words. "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know. But I want us to go somewhere."

"So do I," Olivia said softly.

"You still want to be with me?"

"I never stopped wanting that."

"Even after all I did –"

Olivia shrugged. "That's the past, Alex. I want a future with you. I want to start today, right now."

"I want to break it off with Robert."

Olivia nodded.

"Right now."

"Right this very moment?"

"Yes."

Olivia smiled at her, finally. "You do that. And then you come back here, and you come to bed with me, and I'll hold you, and we'll discuss everything else in the morning."

With Olivia's smile, Alex felt herself relax. The future might not be kind to them, and she knew that Olivia may not trust her completely for a very long time. There were still wounds that needed to heal, and that would come in time. But they would get through all that together, and it would be worth it.

**Review if you enjoyed this!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So due to popular demand, I decided to continue this oneshot and turn it into a multi-chapter story. It's been awhile, but in anticipation for the SVU premiere in twelve days, my muse has returned! I hope you enjoy this next installment.**

Olivia lay in her bed, waiting for Alex to return, wondering in some small part of her mind if she even would. She couldn't push away the years of hurt that had built up inside her, and the thought that maybe Alex was just screwing with her, that she would leave again, even after all of this.

She heard the apartment door open and close, and smiled slightly as she heard Alex's quiet footsteps make their way toward the bedroom. A moment later, Alex slipped into bed beside her, wrapping an arm around Olivia.

Olivia couldn't help but giggle as Alex slid closer to her. "Your feet are cold. As usual."

"And you're warm. As usual."

Olivia marveled at how easy it was to slip into their familiar rhythm, the playful banter and easy touches. She resisted the urge to kiss Alex's forehead. It had been years, and this was too soon. But she suddenly felt the urge to touch Alex's smooth skin, to kiss away her pain. And her own pain. But it wouldn't be right, not now. Not yet.

"So what happened?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex sighed, tightening her grasp on Olivia. "I said I was leaving. That's all."

"How'd he take it?"

She shrugged. "He said he understood. I said I'd come back tomorrow to get some of my stuff. He said that was fine. I didn't tell him about you. He'll find out sooner or later, but I didn't want to have that discussion at two in the morning."

Olivia nodded.

"So I guess I'll start looking for my own place tomorrow."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Don't be silly, Alex. Your place is here with me."

"Even now?"

"Of course. We're starting over, remember?"

Alex smiled.

* * *

><p>Olivia woke up several hours later to find Alex frantically pulling on a pair of jeans. Her heart sank. Alex was leaving. "Alex, where are you going?"<p>

Alex turned back to her, her eyes wild and panicked. "They're in the courtroom – I have to go – fix things – he's going to kill them!"

Olivia sighed and held her arms out to Alex. "Alex, that was just a dream. Everyone's fine. They're safe. You dealt with this yesterday, remember? Wade and Jeffers are dead, and everyone's okay."

Alex shook her head. "No, they're still – he has a gun – he's going to kill all of them! I can't – I can't –"

"Alex, I promise you, everyone's safe." Olivia glanced at the clock. 6:39. Late enough to call. Almost. "Why don't you call Finn or Potter? I promise, they're fine."

Alex looked at Olivia for a long moment, her breathing gradually calming. "I couldn't stop it –"

"Alex, it's okay. It was just a dream." Olivia patted the other side of the bed. "Come here."

Alex sat down on the bed, dropping her gaze. "I'm sorry, Olivia."

Olivia scooted over to Alex and wrapped her arms around her. She knew Alex needed the comfort right now, and she felt Alex relax in her embrace. Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and sighed deeply.

Olivia wanted to tell Alex she loved her, but it was too soon. She had to be careful here. She wouldn't let Alex break her heart all over again. She knew she wouldn't be strong enough to handle that, and she wasn't ready to give Alex her heart yet, not fully, not now.

She was being silly. Alex still had her heart. Alex had never lost it.

But Olivia couldn't take any more pain.

So she just held Alex. It was all she could do, and she hoped it would be enough, for both of them.

* * *

><p>Alex woke up to find Olivia's side of the bed empty, and fear gripped her heart. She checked the clock – 8:42. She remembered falling asleep several hours ago in Olivia's arms, and now she was gone.<p>

Then she remembered – Olivia must be at work. Even though it was Saturday, Olivia often worked on the weekends, especially when Alex wasn't home waiting for her. With a heavy heart, Alex plodded into the kitchen. She was starting to get hungry, and missing Olivia wouldn't do her any good. Olivia would be back after work, and then they would talk.

She went into the kitchen and found that Olivia had left a note for her on the kitchen counter. She smiled slightly as she read the words scrawled in Olivia's signature purple pen.

_Alex,_

_We caught a case. I might not be back until late tonight. I made you breakfast – it's in the fridge if you want it. If I'm not back by eleven or so, you don't need to wait up for me. We can talk tomorrow._

_Liv_

It didn't say _I love you_, or anything similar, which is how Olivia had always ended her notes before, but that was okay. In time, Alex believed that it would come, and they would be just as in love now as they had been so many years ago, before Velez and Witness Protection and Robert and this new Alexandra Cabot who had tried for so long not to feel anything at all. She was ready to start feeling again. She was ready to love and be loved again. She didn't know how she'd managed to go so long without that.

* * *

><p>Even though Olivia had told her not to wait for her, Alex was wide awake when Olivia got home at one in the morning. She was lying on the couch and reading a novel, wearing her signature glasses and an NYPD hoodie, and Olivia thought she looked absolutely adorable. She couldn't help the smile playing around her lips, no matter how exhausted she was from the eighteen hour shift she'd just worked. She loved seeing Alex like this, so relaxed and looking at home in her apartment.<p>

Alex sat up as Olivia walked toward her and scooted over so the detective could sit down. Olivia plopped herself down on the couch and took a deep breath, glad to be back in the comfort of her own home with the woman she still loved after a day of futile searching for a serial rapist.

She glanced at Alex and smiled again. Alex was so cute like this, barefoot and wearing Olivia's clothes. Olivia had to suppress the urge to reach over and give Alex a tight hug. Seeing her like this ignited feelings of absolute love and adoration inside her. But keeping her voice mostly steady, all she said was, "I told you not to wait up for me."

Alex blushed, knowing that it was late and also that her choice of attire might not be entirely appropriate. "It's okay. I wanted to." She gestured to her clothing. "Sorry for taking your sweatshirt. I was feeling a bit cold and it's comfy." She didn't want to admit the real reason she'd been wearing it – that it smelled like Olivia and gave her the comfort she needed when the detective wasn't with her. "Here," she said, pulling it off and holding it out to Olivia.

Olivia shook her head. "It's fine. You can wear it if you want to." She smiled at Alex and quirked an eyebrow. "My clothes look good on you."

Alex chuckled. "Why, thank you." Then she got more serious, knowing that even if they could fall easily into their banter, the rest of their relationship wasn't going to come as simply. She had to show Olivia she was serious about this, about her. Because she was, absolutely and unequivocally. "Liv, I went back to – to _Robert's _apartment today, to get some of my stuff. We talked a little. I told him I wasn't happy with him and I was leaving, so I could be happy, so I could be with someone who makes me happy. I told him I'd found that person, and I was going to be with her."

"How did he take it?"

"Not too well. Of course he didn't believe I'm not attracted to men, or I suppose he just couldn't believe that I'm not attracted to him, but in the end he said it's my choice, and he wants me to be happy, and if I think this will make me happy then I have his blessing, even though he doesn't agree with my choice." Alex shrugged. "Considering the circumstances, it could have gone a lot worse."

Olivia took Alex's hand in her own, almost instinctively, and smiled to herself as she noticed the absence of the engagement ring on Alex's finger. She could still see the faint band around Alex's ring finger where she had worn it, but it, like the betrayal Olivia still couldn't help but feel and the memories of their separation, would fade.

She brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it, which made Alex beam. She loved it when Olivia treated her so lovingly, so tenderly, like something precious, something to be worshipped. Even after all she'd done to the detective, Olivia still loved her. Alex was glad.

They sat like that for a moment, just enjoying each other's presence and basking in the comfort that such closeness brought them. Then, abruptly, Alex broke the silence. "So how was your day?" Then she smiled sheepishly, realizing how silly that sounded. It was a reflexive habit from when she'd been with Robert – she'd always asked him about his day at work, even though she found his profession exceptionally dull and honestly couldn't care less what he'd done when he wasn't with her. But with Olivia, she was desperate to form some sort of connection, and that was the first thing that had come to mind.

Olivia, however, didn't seem perturbed. "Better now," she said, smiling at Alex and caressing her hand with the pad of her thumb.

Alex smiled back. "I made you dinner. I know sometimes when you're out on a case you forget to eat."

Olivia chuckled. "It's only fair. After all, I made you breakfast."

"And it was delicious, so thank you for that."

They sat down at the kitchen table while Alex reheated the pasta she'd made for dinner. She put some into a bowl and set it down in front of Olivia.

"Thanks, Alex. I haven't had a home cooked meal in forever, and this looks great."

"My pleasure."

By the time Olivia had finished eating, it was nearly 2:30, and despite herself, Alex found herself fighting to keep her eyes open. Olivia smiled at Alex's drooping eyelids. "Why don't you get into bed?" she said. "I'll clean up. I know it's late and you're tired. I'll be in there in a few minutes, by which time I'm sure you'll be asleep."

"I'll wait for you," Alex mumbled.

"Sure you will. See you in a few."

Sure enough, when Olivia got to her bedroom, she found Alex curled up on her side of the bed, sound asleep. She looked so delicate and innocent, so beautiful, sleeping in Olivia's NYPD sweatshirt with her hair fanned over the pillow like a halo. Olivia felt her heart melt. She got into bed, careful not to disturb her sleeping girlfriend, and placed a light kiss on Alex's forehead. Alex sighed softly in contentment and instinctively rolled over to face Olivia. Still sleeping, she snuggled into Olivia's side and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. She knew Olivia's body by instinct, every soft, huggable bit of it, even when she was asleep.

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex, relishing the feeling of her girlfriend in the bed beside her, curled up against her side. She couldn't help but lay a trail of kisses on Alex's neck and up to her chin, loving the way Alex unconsciously arched into the contact and the small moans of pleasure that escaped her lips. Olivia felt her heartbeat quicken. The unconscious murmurs slipping through those perfect, kissable lips were sending jolts of arousal through her body, and she struggled to calm her body. Alex was gorgeous, and she was lying in Olivia's bed, and Olivia loved her and had missed her, but again, now wasn't the time. They wouldn't be making love for awhile yet – Olivia wasn't ready to put herself in such a vulnerable, intimate position. Alex still needed to earn her trust back, and she had a long way to go.

But Alex was igniting a fire inside her with those small sighs of contentment and the slight shifting of her body. Olivia was struck again by how beautiful her girlfriend was, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to resist Alex much longer. She attempted to disentangle herself from Alex without waking the attorney, so she could go splash some cold water on her face, but as Olivia tried to slide her arms out from underneath Alex, her girlfriend whimpered and unconsciously reached out an arm to Olivia, holding the securely against her and effectively preventing her from moving.

Olivia sighed and lightly threaded a hand through Alex's soft golden hair, pressing a kiss to her silky blonde tresses. "I love you, baby," she whispered, resigning herself to spending the night squirming with arousal brought on by the woman in her arms. She would never say those words aloud if Alex was awake – it was too early for declarations of love. Alex knew that Olivia loved her – she knew Olivia always had. But Olivia couldn't bare her heart to the woman who had hurt her so badly, not yet. She couldn't bear to have it broken all over again.

But she couldn't help the overwhelming feelings of love that washed over her every time she looked at Alex. Whether she wanted it or not, Alex still owned her heart, and there was nothing she could do about that.

She gave Alex another kiss and watched a small smile appear on the blonde's lips. She was mildly surprised that Alex hadn't awoken with all the attention Olivia was lavishing upon her, but she was glad anyway. She wouldn't dare touch Alex like this if she was awake. But now that Alex was asleep, she couldn't help herself. What harm would it do if Alex would never know?

Olivia held her girlfriend more tightly and rested her cheek against Alex's, and for the first night in years, she drifted off into a peaceful slumber. She was with Alex, and everything was going to be okay.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

Alex woke up in the middle of the night to find herself cuddled into Olivia's body, her head resting on the detective's shoulder as Olivia slept soundly beside her, her light snores tickling Alex's cheek. She smiled to herself and snuggled closer to her girlfriend, wrapping an arm more tightly around Olivia. It felt so good to be able to do this again, to be so close to Olivia. Olivia was beautiful as she slept, and her presence was so warm and comforting. It was only their second night together in years, but being cuddled into Olivia like this felt absolutely natural. For the first time since her shooting, Alex felt as if she was truly home.

She leaned over to kiss Olivia's cheek and felt the detective unconsciously shift closer to her. She ran her fingers through Olivia's soft hair and beamed. She was so glad Olivia was giving her a second chance. She wouldn't screw it up this time. She would never leave Olivia again.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Alex woke Olivia with by laying a series of butterfly kisses across her forehead. When Olivia's eyes drifted open and her lips curved into a contented smile, she reached up to wrap her arms around Alex's neck. "'Morning," she murmured, her voice thick with sleep.<p>

Alex smiled. "Good morning, Liv."

"What time is it?"

Alex glanced at the clock beside the bed. "After eleven."

"After elev – shit! I've got work." Olivia jumped out of bed and stumbled toward the washroom.

Alex watched her in amusement. "Liv, it's Sunday," she called after her girlfriend.

Olivia's head popped out of the bathroom. "It is?"

Alex nodded.

"Oh," Olivia said sheepishly, stepping out of the washroom and sitting back down on the bed beside Alex. "I can't remember the last time I slept past eleven. Actually, I can't remember the last time I slept past _seven_."

Alex smiled. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept this well either. "Am I that good for you?"

Olivia chuckled. "We're getting a bit ahead of ourselves, sweetheart."

Alex beamed inwardly at the term of endearment. "We did get into bed at an unreasonable hour," she conceded.

"Mm hm."

Alex pouted. "But I'd still like to think it has something to do with me."

Olivia laughed. Alex was just so adorable sometimes. "Okay, maybe a bit."

"Much better. Now would you like some breakfast?"

"Will you burn down my apartment?"

Alex chuckled. "No. After a series of misadventures in Wisconsin, I finally developed some aptitude in terms of food preparation. Didn't you like the pasta I made last night?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I guess I was too tired to really notice. Okay, feel free to use any and all kitchen appliances."

* * *

><p>As they were sitting down to breakfast, Alex's phone started to ring. She glanced at the caller ID and turned to Olivia. "It's Robert. I'll just be a second." Olivia nodded and gestured for her to answer the phone. "Good morning, Robert."<p>

"It's almost afternoon, Alexandra," Robert said with a chuckle. "I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner this evening."

Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Robert . . . I told you this isn't going to work."

"Relax, Alexandra, it's just dinner. You're with that cop, right?"

"Yes, I'm staying at her place. I'm going to make her some of my special cauliflower for dinner tonight."

"She eats _cauliflower_?"

"She'll eat _my _cauliflower," Alex said, unable to hold back her smile. Unlike most of the American population, she actually enjoyed eating vegetables and liked to make up new ways to eat them. While in Witness Protection, she'd perfected a smoked Gouda cauliflower recipe that she was eager to share with Olivia. "She'll indulge me, at least."

Robert sighed. "Are you sure this is what you want, Alexandra?"

"Yes, Robert. I love Olivia. It's over between us. I'm sorry."

"So you never really loved me?"

"No, no – that's not it. I'm attracted to women, Robert. It's not personal."

"That's not _natural_."

Alex sighed, too. "Robert, I'm not going to have this discussion with you right now. I'm in the middle of breakfast with Olivia. I have to go."

"What is it, Alexandra? Are you punishing me? Did I not please you enough? Did I do something wrong?"

"_No_, Robert. It's not you, it's me."

"I've heard that before. It's usually a lie."

"But this time it's not." She glanced at Olivia. "Look, Robert, Olivia's waiting for me. Goodbye." She hung up before Robert could say anything else.

Olivia watched as Alex sat down and took a deep breath, but she didn't say anything. She couldn't help the sudden jealousy that was bubbling up inside her at the thoughts Robert's call had evoked. Olivia closed her eyes, trying to push away the images of that man, holding Alex, touching her, lying in bed with her at night, hugging her and kissing her and telling her that he loved her. That had been Alex's _choice_. She had _let _him touch her, and even if Alex swore that she loved Olivia, always had and always would, Olivia couldn't forget all that Alex had put her through. All that Alex had _chosen _to put her through. No matter how much Alex had been through, no matter how much she had suffered, she could have made it so much easier for herself by just coming back to Olivia. But she hadn't done that, and she only had herself to blame for the pain she was feeling now.

"Liv, I said no," Alex finally said, her baby blues boring into Olivia's dark eyes, begging for forgiveness, acceptance, assurance. "I said it was over."

"I heard."

Alex flinched at the iciness in Olivia's voice. "What do you want me to do, Olivia?"

"He hasn't let you go yet, Alex."

"And how do you suggest I fix that?"

"You shouldn't have led him on in the first place."

Alex looked away. "I know, and I'm sorry. What can I do to prove that to you?"

Olivia sighed. She didn't like seeing Alex so upset, and she could never stay angry her girlfriend when her eyes were so full of sorrow and regret. She knew Alex was sorry; she just didn't know if that would be enough for them. Nevertheless, she felt immediately guilty for being so cold with Alex. She knew Alex was trying, and that was all she could ask for. "Kiss me," she said, and with Alex's smile, the tension in the room eased. Alex leaned toward Olivia, more than happy to comply.

* * *

><p>They spent the day together, curled up on the couch and watching cheesy movies. They started the first movie on opposite ends of the couch, but by the end of movie number two, Alex had her head in Olivia's lap and Olivia was stroking her hair. The action felt so natural that Olivia didn't even consider how they'd ended up in this position. It didn't matter. Alex was here, and she was hers, and that was the important thing.<p>

They went out for a walk before dinner, and Alex smiled at the familiar, unconscious protective gestures Olivia made toward her – being careful to walk on the side of the street closer to the curb, stepping in front of Alex as if to shield her when a particularly shady looking stranger passed, immediately taking off her sweater and draping it over Alex's shoulders when the wind picked up and she noticed that Alex was shivering. Alex knew that no matter how hard Olivia tried to suppress her feelings, the detective still loved her. It was small acts like these that proved Olivia's devotion to her all over again, as if she'd ever doubted it to begin with.

Olivia's actions seemed to underscore the mistakes she'd made in the past, and Alex couldn't help the images that kept floating into her mind, of the pain in Olivia's eyes as Alex left her, first to go into Witness Protection, and again when she told Olivia about the claims adjustor in Wisconsin. She shook her head vigorously in an attempt to push away the thoughts, painful as they were, and Olivia looked at Alex with concern in her eyes. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

The pet name calmed Alex slightly, and she was able to remove the image from her mind. "I'm fine, Olivia." She reached out to take her girlfriend's hand and smiled into Olivia's eyes. "I'm fine."

Olivia noticed her sweater was slipping from Alex's shoulders and adjusted it so it wouldn't fall. "Are you sure?"

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand. "Best I've been in years." And it was true – she couldn't remember ever feeling so content and at ease in someone's presence.

* * *

><p>When they got home, Alex ran Olivia a bath and insisted that the detective relax while she made dinner. "I'm making you my signature dish," Alex told her. "Smoked Gouda cauliflower."<p>

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You're never going to convert me, Alex. But I'll indulge you."

"I'm not trying to convert you to anything. Wait until you try it, then you'll see."

"You're trying to turn me into a vegetable eater. You're the only person I know who actually eats _cauliflower_. That's not normal."

"If you say so. Now get in the bath."

Olivia chuckled and did as she was told.

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later, Alex took the cauliflower out of the oven and set it on the table. While she waited for it to cool, she went into the washroom where Olivia was having her bath and knelt beside the tub. Olivia's eyes were closed and she had a smile on her face, looking more relaxed than Alex had seen her in a long time.<p>

Alex reached out to stroke Olivia's cheek. "Liv," she said quietly.

"Mm?"

"Dinner's ready." She got to her feet and picked up the towel she'd warmed in the dryer for Olivia. Holding it out to her girlfriend, she said lovingly, "Come here."

Olivia obediently got out of the tub and walked to Alex. Alex wrapped the detective in the towel and hugged her. As she held Olivia close, she felt a familiar warmth spreading throughout her body, a warmth that only appeared when she was with Olivia. She longed to tell her girlfriend that she loved her, but she swallowed the words. It wouldn't be right to say that, not now, not before she knew Olivia would want it. It was too soon. Alex understood that Olivia needed to keep her at arm's length – or at least at shoulder's length – for now, until Alex could earn her trust back. She knew it would be hard work, but she would do it, for Olivia. She knew she would do anything for Olivia.

Olivia rested her chin on Alex's shoulder, savoring their closeness. "Now what did I do to deserve all of this?"

Alex smiled and instinctively pressed a kiss to the crown of Olivia's head. "You're you." She gave Olivia a squeeze. "And you're a hardworking woman."

"Not today. Today I was lazy."

Alex laughed. "My fault. But it was fun being lazy for a day. And you worked all day yesterday."

"It was fun," Olivia said with a smile. "We'll have to do it more often."

Alex felt her heart skip a beat. There was that word again, the _l _word, bubbling in her throat, but she swallowed hard in an attempt to push back the sentiment.

She reluctantly let go of Olivia and stepped back, trying to lighten the mood. "The wonderful dinner I made for you is getting cold," she said with a pout.

Olivia chuckled, wondering if Alex knew just what that look did to her. "Yeah. I'll be in the kitchen in a couple minutes. I'm just going to put on some clothes."

"Do you have to?" Alex asked with a playful smile.

Olivia laughed again. "Yeah, I do." Instinctively, she leaned over to give Alex a chaste kiss on her cheek. "Hey, don't pout like that. You're really testing my self-control."

Alex grinned. "I see my plan is working, then."

"Oh, so you're trying to seduce me tonight?"

Alex held back her smile, widening her eyes into an expression of innocence. "Who, me?

Olivia chuckled. "That's enough, you. I'm going to get dressed."

Alex pursed her lips. "Fine." She turned on her heel and started toward the kitchen, making sure to sway her hips in a way that she knew would drive Olivia crazy.

Olivia felt her throat go dry and unconsciously licked her lips, forcing herself to push the image from her mind. Alex was incredibly sexy, but no matter how much Olivia wanted to ravish her, now wasn't the time.

She quickly pulled on a tank top and a pair of sweatpants and went into the kitchen, where Alex was putting some cauliflower onto Olivia's plate for her. Olivia had to admit that it looked quite appetizing . . . if she could get over the fact that it was cauliflower on her plate, and that cauliflower was a vegetable, and one she wouldn't normally eat if Alex wasn't looking at her with those huge, beautiful blue eyes. Olivia could never say no to Alex when she looked at her like that, and Alex knew it. Those stunning cerulean eyes could get her anything she wanted, and she consistently took advantage of that fact.

"Oh, stop looking at it like that," Alex said, chuckling at the look on Olivia's face. "Try some. I promise you'll like it."

Olivia obediently took a bite, and smiled at Alex, raising her hands in surrender. "Okay, I give in. You've converted me. This is delicious."

Alex beamed in satisfaction. "Glad you like it."

Olivia finished the cauliflower on her plate and took another helping, to which Alex just raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"You _really _like that, huh?"

"Yeah," Olivia said sheepishly. "It's good." She smiled. "That's why I keep you around. Because you can cook."

"Bake, actually. You know, when I was in Wisconsin, the firefighters knew me by name."

Olivia chuckled. "I can imagine. But you learned quite well. Thank you for dinner, Alex."

"No problem. I like cooking for you."

They cleaned up together, and it was almost like old times, spending their days together, taking about everything and nothing or just sitting in comfortable silence, completely at ease in each other's presence. And that night as they got into bed, they both lay down close to the center.

"Liv," Alex said after a moment, "will you hold me?" She wanted the comfort tonight, and although she would never have dared ask such a thing of Robert or any of her previous lovers, with Olivia, she didn't mind.

Olivia smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Of course," she said, pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead as she pulled her girlfriend into her arms.

Alex fell asleep almost immediately, snug and secure in Olivia's arms. And when her breathing evened out and Olivia was sure she was asleep, she gave Alex another kiss, this time on her lips, and whispered, "I love you." Because it was true.

**Review for part four!**


	4. Chapter 4

Much as Alex wanted to spend the next day with Olivia, it was Monday and they both had work, so she settled for showering with her girlfriend – supposedly to conserve water – and settling down for breakfast with her. Alex knew that Olivia rarely made time for breakfast, but she was glad that Olivia had set aside twenty minutes this morning to share a meal with her. After so many years of separation, all she wanted was to be close to the woman she loved, even if Olivia wouldn't let her say so yet. In time, she was sure she would be allowed to tell Olivia she loved her, and Olivia would listen, and believe her, and say it back. The words had always been so precious to both of them, and Alex was eager to earn them once again.

* * *

><p>Today was just not Alex's day. She'd spent her morning buried in paperwork, and Jim had already asked her out this morning . . . twice. Apparently he'd heard that she'd broken it off with Robert and now thought that he had a chance with her. Alex politely rebuffed him the first time and slightly less politely rebuffed him the second time. The courthouse grapevine moved quickly, and she was sure everyone would have heard about her and Robert by lunchtime. So Alex kept her office door shut and tried to avoid all of her ADA's, not wanting to discuss any part of her personal life with any of them. It simply wasn't their business.<p>

When Alex heard a knock on her door at lunchtime, she assumed it was Jim again and sighed, taking a deep breath to compose herself before she said, "Come in."

The door opened and Alex closed her eyes and counted to ten when she saw who was standing in her office. "Robert, I told you –"

"I know, Alexandra, but just hear me out." He held out a bouquet of red roses. "Please?"

Alex didn't take the flowers. "Robert, I'm with someone else. I'm sorry. But you need to let go."

He set the flowers down on her desk, looking more dejected than she'd ever seen him. "Alexandra, I love you. I don't want to let go of everything we could have."

"Robert, I have Olivia now. I'm with her."

"What can that cop give you that I can't? I can give you everything you've ever wanted, honey. Your career –"

"I am _not _your honey," Alex said, glaring at him. "And I don't care about my career. Olivia loves me, more than you ever could. That means more to me than anything else you could ever give me."

"I know Detective Benson is your friend, but Alexandra, think of the future _we _could have."

"Olivia is more than just a friend. I love her, Robert."

"But that's not _natural_. And you told me you loved me. Were you lying then?"

Alex sighed. "Yes, Robert. I was."

Robert sighed, too. Without warning, he stepped forward and put his arms around Alex. He kissed her cheek, and Alex winced. His lips were rough, and the stubble on his upper lip was scratchy. His lips just weren't Olivia's, and that was all Alex wanted. "Robert –"

He moved away, his whole body drooping. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you, Alexandra," he said quietly. With those words, he turned on his heel and left her office.

Alex took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair. On one hand, she wanted nothing to do with Robert and was relieved that he had left, but on the other hand, she did feel slightly sorry for him. He had never been cruel to her – he had been as good as he knew how to be, and she knew that he truly cared for her in his own way. And yes, they did have some moderately good times together. But she'd never loved him. Olivia had always owned her heart. Every time he had held her, kissed her, made love to her, she had closed her eyes and pretended he was Olivia. Through no fault of his own, he simply hadn't been enough for her.

Another knock on the door made Alex jump slightly. "Go away, Robert," she said sharply. She wasn't going to deal with him again right now.

The door opened anyway and Olivia stepped into the office, her eyes raking Alex's exhausted form with concern. "Alex, it's me. Are you okay?"

Alex sighed. "Yes, Olivia. I'm fine."

Olivia, though, saw right through her, as she always did. She walked over to Alex and wrapped the blonde into her arms. Alex exhaled and rested her chin on Olivia's shoulder, relaxing into Olivia's warm embrace. Here, she felt completely safe, as she always had.

Olivia hugged Alex tightly and kissed her forehead. "I came to see if you wanted to grab lunch with me," she said softly.

Alex smiled gratefully. "I'd love to."

Olivia gave her another kiss and gently rubbed Alex's back, soothing the knots in her spine. "Robert was here?"

Alex sighed again. "Yes. I made him leave. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was over."

"I believe you." Olivia took Alex's hand. "Come on. Let's go get some food in us."

* * *

><p>Olivia had to work late again that day, so Alex stayed at her own office, doing some paperwork until Olivia came to pick her up just before midnight. They went home together and climbed into bed, just as they had for the past two days. They lay down in bed, holding each other, and had soon fallen fast asleep.<p>

* * *

><p>Alex woke up in the middle of the night to find Olivia trembling in her arms, shaking with a bad dream. Alex pressed a kiss to Olivia's neck and tried to shake her awake. She was used to having nightmares of her own, and knew how terrifying they could be, and how much she needed someone there in the aftermath, to soothe away the painful remnants. Tonight, she would be there for Olivia.<p>

Olivia started awake and instinctively pulled away from Alex. Alex felt her heart clench at the tears she saw in Olivia's eyes and her soft whimpers. "Liv," she said quietly, "it's okay. I'm here."

Olivia's eyes were full of pain. "Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for, sweetheart?"

"I couldn't protect you. I should have been the one shot that night, not you."

Alex's throat constricted and for a moment, she couldn't say a word. Olivia had been dreaming about _her_. "Liv," she finally said, "you know that wasn't your fault."

"I should have taken that bullet for you. I should have been faster. I should have protected you. I never should have let you go."

"Olivia, stop. There was nothing you could have done differently. You did everything you could for me. You saved my life, Liv."

Tears leaked from Olivia's eyes as she reached over to hug Alex. "I missed you so much."

Alex hugged her back, rubbing circles into Olivia's skin. "I know, sweetie. I missed you too. And I'm never going to let you go again. I'm going to do whatever I can to earn your trust back. I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that. I never wanted to hurt you."

Olivia rested her cheek against Alex's. "It's okay, Alex. We're starting over."

"We are. So don't think about that night, please. There's nothing you could have done." Alex looked away. "It's painful."

"I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

Alex brushed the tears from Olivia's cheeks and kissed her forehead. "Shh, it's okay. Let's just try to go back to sleep. We have work in the morning." She held Olivia close. "I've got you," she whispered in Olivia's ear, and Olivia smiled as a few more tears escaped from her eyes.

"I know."

* * *

><p>The next day when Alex got into work, she found another bouquet of flowers sitting on her desk – orchids this time, her favourite. She sighed and picked up the phone to call Robert. Apparently, she hadn't already made it clear enough that his advances were unwelcome.<p>

He answered on the second ring. "Durham."

She smiled slightly at the greeting before catching herself and rearranging her face into a mask of impassivity. "Robert, I told you, it's over. You need to stop."

"Alexandra –"

"Robert, I said _no_. I don't want to speak to you. I don't want to go out with you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to get together with you. I don't want you coming to see me, or sending me flowers –"

"I thought you'd like them." He sounded truly wounded. "I thought they were your favourite."

Alex sighed. "Robert, I'm not your girlfriend and you're not my boyfriend. Sending flowers is a very boyfriend-ish thing to do and I don't appreciate it."

"Then what are we, Alexandra?"

"We're nothing, Robert."

"You're telling me what we had means nothing?"

"That's just it. We never had anything, Robert."

"I felt something with you, Alexandra. Something I've never felt with anyone else before. I just can't let you go so easily."

"Robert, I'm sorry, but you have to. This conversation is over. I don't want to hear from you again. I don't want you sending me flowers or coming to get me for lunch or calling me or writing me letters or communicating with me in any other way."

"Alexandra, I don't understand why you're acting like this. I thought you cared about me. We had some really great times together."

Alex rubbed her temples. Yes, they did have some good times together, and yes, she had to admit that she did care about him in a way. But her feelings weren't even close to the feelings she had for Olivia. She liked Robert, and sometimes enjoyed his presence, but she loved Olivia. Nothing could ever compare to the depth and intensity of her love for Olivia. And that meant she had to let Robert go. Or, more accurately, make him leave.

"Robert, I'm sorry. I do care about you, and you deserve someone who loves you and can give you everything."

"But Alexandra, you _are _my everything. You're smart and poised and elegant and sweet and absolutely beautiful. I want _you_."

Alex sighed. She wished she didn't have to do this, but letting him down gently hadn't worked. "Robert, I don't love you. That's all there is to it."

Robert clicked his tongue. "You put too much stock into abstracts like _love_."

Alex worked her jaw for a moment, opening and closing it a few times, unsure what she could say to such a comment. Finally she just said, "Goodbye, Robert." With that, she hung up the phone.

A moment later, there was a knock on the door. Alex stood up a little straighter and took a deep breath to compose herself as she called, "Come in."

Jim opened the door and stepped into her office. "Alexandra, there's a problem with –" He looked her up and down and raised an eyebrow at appearance. "Trouble in paradise?"

Alex sighed. "Not now, Jim. What is it?"

"The Johansen case. Christina wants to plead it out."

"And why is this my problem?" Alex knew she was snapping at Jim for no real reason, but she didn't appreciate him inquiry into her personal life.

"I advised her against it, but she wants to go ahead with a plea anyway."

"Then that's up to you to discuss with her, Jim."

"Well, what do you think?"

"Why does it matter what I think?"

"You're the bureau chief."

Alex sighed again and pinched the bridge of her nose. "The pornography case, right?"

"Right."

"Tell her to give him 3-6."

"Alexandra –"

"She's not going to win at trial, Jim. Let her plead it out. Our evidence is pretty slim on that one and it's a good deal."

Jim nodded. "I was going to say that if you want to talk, I'm here."

Alex grimaced. _Sure you are_.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

When Alex got home after work, she found Olivia in the kitchen, cooking dinner. She was wearing an apron and had her hair pulled into a messy bun, and she just looked so adorable that Alex had to smile. "Hi, sweetheart," she whispered, leaning toward Olivia to steal a kiss.

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex, deepening the kiss and pulling Alex against her. Alex felt her body relax in Olivia's arms and, when their lips finally separated, Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and just let Olivia hold her for a few moments.

Olivia leaned down to kiss the crown of Alex's head as a timer went off on the counter. She started to pull away from Alex, but Alex clung to her, refusing to let Olivia go.

Olivia smiled. "Baby, dinner's going to burn."

Alex groaned, but obediently released her hold on Olivia so her girlfriend could put on a mitt and pull a baking dish out of the oven.

Olivia set the dish on the counter and took off the oven mitt before wrapping her arms around Alex again. "Better?"

Alex nodded and tucked her head into the crook of Olivia's neck. "We need to talk, Liv," she said, her voice muffled.

"What do we need to talk about?"

"Robert."

Alex heard Olivia's voice catch. "What about him?"

"I'm not going back to him, Liv," Alex said quickly. "Don't ever think that. He just keeps calling and bringing me flowers and I'm out of ideas."

"Want me to arrest him for harassment?"

Alex smiled slightly. "I don't think it's exactly _harassment_. It's not malicious. He hasn't hurt me or anything."

"Do you think he might?"

"No. He's not that kind of person. He's a good man, and he does care for me. He's just not used to people saying no to him."

"Alex, I'm worried about you."

Alex sighed. "Liv, I'm worried too. But I don't think he's going to hurt me. He's just . . . a nuisance."

Olivia started to rub circles into Alex's back. "How about I come take you out for lunch tomorrow?"

"That sounds good."

Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex's temple. "Dinner's getting cold," she said after a moment.

"What did you make?"

"Lasagna and a strawberry salad."

Alex smiled. Strawberry salads were her favourite. "Thanks, Liv."

Olivia regretfully stepped back from Alex. Alex immediately tried to reestablish the contact, but Olivia smiled slightly. "Don't you want that strawberry salad I went to so much work making for you?"

Alex chuckled. "Oh, please. It takes about six minutes. I made a container of dressing on Saturday. All you had to do was de-stem the spinach and toss it all together."

"Still very time consuming."

Alex rolled her eyes and picked up the baking dish. She set it down on the kitchen table and went to the fridge to get some Perrier for herself and bottled water for Olivia.

Olivia brought the salad to the table and sat down. Alex immediately plopped herself down on Olivia's lap.

"Alex, I can't eat while you're sitting like this."

Alex pouted. "How about I eat first and then you can sit on my lap and eat second?"

Olivia laughed. "Why do I get to eat second?"

"Because I'm hungry."

"I made dinner."

Alex kissed Olivia's cheek. "Because you love me so much, you made my favourite. Therefore, since this dinner is primarily for me, I should get to eat first."

Olivia pushed Alex off her lap. "Out of luck, baby. You're going to sit in your own chair and we can eat at the same time." Seeing Alex's face fall, she added, "But after we're done eating, I'll be more than happy to start up a fire and get out some blankets and cuddle with you. How does that sound?"

Alex pursed her lips. "Okay," she agreed after a moment.

Olivia smiled and put some lasagna on her plate.

When Olivia had finished her lasagna and a generous helping of salad, Alex immediately took her hand and started to tug her girlfriend into the living room.

"Hold it, baby. We've got to clean up."

Alex glowered at Olivia. "You said when we were done eating we could go cuddle."

"When we're done cleaning up."

"That's not what you said. Your exact words were 'when we're done _eating_'."

Olivia chuckled. "I should know better than to argue with a lawyer." She ran an affectionate hand through Alex's hair. "Okay, fine. We can go cuddle now, but in a couple hours, you'll be the one scraping the plates off and washing them by hand."

Alex pouted. "I was actually thinking I'd fall asleep and you'd do the clean up yourself."

Olivia laughed. "Not a chance." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Come on. It just takes a couple minutes."

Alex grudgingly helped Olivia clean up. Olivia then went into the living room to start a fire and Alex brought in some blankets. The two of them curled up in front of the fireplace and pulled the blankets over themselves. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and gently rubbed her back.

"Happy now?"

"Very."

They shared a smile and Olivia leaned forward to kiss Alex, deeply but tenderly, unhurriedly. Alex closed her eyes and surrendered herself to Olivia, letting the detective gently explore her mouth, re-familiarizing herself with the feel of Olivia's mouth and lips and tongue against hers.

When they broke apart, Alex was breathing hard. She'd missed these slow, sensual kisses. "Mm, you feel good," she said, an unconscious smile quirking her lips.

Olivia smiled back and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Alex, I – I love you," she said in a soft voice. She felt moisture rush to her eyes with the vulnerability of her admission. She hadn't said this to Alex in years, and the words had always been so precious to both of them. She did love Alex, and she knew Alex loved her. The loving, beautiful kiss they'd just shared had reaffirmed their bond, and now she knew it was the right time to tell Alex how important she was to her, how special she was, how cherished, how much affection Olivia held in her heart for her girlfriend.

Alex's breath caught at those three little words. She felt like she'd been waiting years to hear them. She had waited years to hear them. "Sweetheart," she said, matching Olivia's quiet tone, "I love you, too." She cupped Olivia's cheek and beamed at her girlfriend. "So much."

She couldn't remember ever feeling so content, lying here in their living room, in front of the fireplace, cradled in her girlfriend's arms. She felt so safe with Olivia, and so treasured. It was in the way Olivia held her, the way Olivia kissed her, the way Olivia rubbed her back, held her hand, stroked her hair. It was in the gentle tone Olivia used when she spoke to her, the tenderness of every caress, every glance, every word. Olivia always made her feel as if she was the only woman in the world. She couldn't imagine why she'd ever given this up. This was the love she'd dreamed of ever since she was a little girl, and Olivia was the one person she'd been searching for her entire life. Most people didn't get this lucky. As she burrowed deeper into Olivia's embrace, she promised herself that she would never take it for granted ever again.

* * *

><p>Alex awoke in the morning to find herself still lying on the floor of the living room, wrapped up in blankets and Olivia's arms. The fire had long since gone out, but the warmth emanating from her girlfriend's body more than made up for it. Alex smiled down at Olivia. She was so beautiful, especially when she slept. She looked so peaceful, so content. Alex was so glad.<p>

She glanced at the clock on the opposite wall and saw that it was nearly 7:00. Just about time to get up for work. She felt a devious smirk playing around her lips. She knew just the way to wake her sleeping girlfriend.

Alex leaned down to cover Olivia's neck and upper chest with a series of kisses, occasionally giving the exposed skin a teasing lick. Olivia moaned in her sleep at the assault on her flesh, and Alex smiled before gently blowing on the damp olive skin.

Olivia stirred and opened one eye, and Alex pressed another kiss to Olivia's chest. "Good morning, love."

"Mm." Olivia opened her other eye. "Morning." She smiled down at Alex, partly at the term of endearment and partly at the way Alex had woken her up this morning, cherishing her flesh with sweet kisses. Olivia could never get enough.

Alex gave Olivia a quick kiss on her lips, but pulled away before Olivia could deepen the contact. "Not now, Liv," she said with a teasing smile. "We have work."

Olivia groaned. "Who cares?"

Alex quirked an eyebrow. "How about we . . . continue this . . . at lunch?"

"Mm. I don't think I can wait that long."

As she leaned in for another kiss, Alex pressed a finger to her lips. "Unfortunately, you're going to have to, sweetie." She got to her feet, purposefully swaying her hips in a way she knew would drive Olivia crazy. "I'm going to have a shower. Care to join me?"

"Mm, yes." Olivia scrambled to her feet.

"Only if you can keep your hands to yourself."

Olivia stuck her tongue out at Alex. "Spoilsport."

Alex chuckled. It was almost as though things had never changed, almost as though she and Olivia had spent a million years together, and would spend a million more. Familiarity. Happiness. Love. Liv.

* * *

><p>Alex spent her morning counting down the hours until lunchtime. She couldn't wait to see Olivia again. After all that they'd shared last night, the tenderness and affection and warmth, the <em>love<em>, Alex was feeling a bit vulnerable. She'd masked it this morning, but she hadn't wanted to leave Olivia's side. She didn't want to ever leave Olivia's side again.

Finally, lunchtime arrived with a knock on her door. "Come in," Alex said, and couldn't help her face breaking out in a smile when she saw her girlfriend standing in the doorway.

Olivia beamed back at her. In just a few steps, she was beside Alex, pulling her girlfriend close and crashing their lips together in a sea of passion. Alex eagerly returned the kiss, threading her fingers through Olivia's hair as their tongues warred for dominance.

"Alexandra?"

Alex jumped and released Olivia's lips, her head snapping toward the doorway, searching for the source of the words. There he was. _Robert_. And he looked furious.

Alex stepped away from Olivia, raising her hand to stop Olivia from following her. "Robert, what are you doing here?"

"I thought I would come take you for lunch. What is _she _doing here?"

"_She _just happens to be my girlfriend. She has every right to be here. You, on the other hand, do not."

"You were _kissing _her."

"That's what partners do, Robert," Alex said patiently.

Robert shook his head as if to clear it. "Alexandra, I don't understand."

"Robert, I don't love you. I love Olivia. I kiss Olivia. I _make love _with Olivia."

"Alexandra, how can you _do _that? She's – she's –"

"She's the woman I love. She's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. A life that you are no longer a part of."

It all happened so fast. Robert's face contorted. "You _bitch_!" He raised his hand as if to hit her, and suddenly Olivia was there, stepping in front of Alex as if to shield her. Olivia grabbed Robert's raised arm and twisted it behind his back.

"You _bastard_. Don't you dare _touch _her. You are never going to lay a hand on Alex, ever. She told you to leave her alone and you are not going to come near her again." She twisted his other hand behind his back, seething. "You are under arrest for stalking in the fourth degree."

"Stalking? Alexandra –"

Alex made a conscious effort to calm her labored breathing. Had she been wrong last night when she told Olivia Robert wouldn't hurt her, that he wasn't that kind of guy?

"Are you okay, Alex?" Olivia asked in an undertone.

Alex nodded. "I'm fine, Olivia." What she really wanted right now was her girlfriend's arms around her, holding her close, keeping her safe, soothing her, protecting her, loving her. But she understood.

"I'm going to book this piece of shit back at the precinct. I'll be back in an hour to take you for lunch, okay?"

"I'll see you in hour," Alex said, trying to keep her voice steady as Olivia led Robert out of her office by his cuffed hands.

As soon as Olivia had closed the door behind her, Alex lay her head down on her desk and began to massage her temples. They had come close today. If Olivia hadn't been here, she didn't know what might have happened. For the first time since Witness Protection, she was truly afraid.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

By the time Olivia arrived an hour later, Alex had mostly calmed herself down, but as soon as she saw Olivia standing in the doorway, the tears started welling up in her eyes again. Alex blinked them back, but as Olivia's strong arms wrapped around her and a kiss landed on the crown of her head, she couldn't help but sniffle. "Oh, Liv," she whispered, clinging to Olivia as she tucked her head into the crook of Olivia's neck.

Olivia held her tighter. "I'm here, baby. You're safe. You know I'd never let him hurt you, Alex."

"I know," Alex said. And she did. She knew Olivia would never let anyone hurt her, not Robert, not anyone. And that was what made it so bittersweet. Something that could have ended so badly for both of them had only served to reaffirm Olivia's love for her. How could she have given this up?

Olivia gave Alex another kiss. "Baby," she said after a moment, "has he ever hurt you before? Did he ever hit you?"

"No, never." It was true; he hadn't. She had genuinely thought he never would.

"He's in lockup now. What do you want me to do with him?"

Alex sighed. "Keep him overnight. Let him go in the morning with a warning. I'll make a few calls and get a TRO tomorrow."

"Okay." Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Do you want to come home, Alex? I'll go with you. I know what he did – I know it scared you."

"It didn't exactly _scare _me. I knew you wouldn't let him hurt me. It was just unexpected." To her horror, Alex found more tears rushing to her eyes. "God, Liv. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Alex. You can cry if you need to."

"No, no. I'm fine. I'm just – I'm okay. Thank you, Liv."

"Do you want me to take you home?"

"No, that's okay. Let's just get a quick lunch. I only have an hour."

"Alex." Olivia held Alex away from her, keeping her hands on Alex's shoulders and meeting her eyes. "Are you sure you're all right?"

Alex nodded. "I'm with you." She took Olivia's hand. "Come on. Let's get lunch."

Olivia let Alex lead her out of the office, noting her colleagues' raised eyebrows and shocked expressions at their shared grasp. "I guess our relationship isn't a secret anymore," she said in an undertone.

Alex smiled slightly. "Maybe now Jim will stop hitting on me." She looked up at Olivia. "Liv, I love you. That's the most important thing to me. I made that mistake once and I won't make it again. I don't want to hide our relationship. I love you and I want the whole world to know it. I don't care about office politics; I care about you. And if I ever had to choose, you know what my choice would be. I will never lose you again. I will never leave you again. I will never _hurt _you again, I promise."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand. "Your love is the most important thing to me, too, Alex." She smiled. "You want to go back to the precinct and tell the guys?"

"Why not? Elliot, at least, will find out sooner or later. He'll be happy for you."

As they walked out to the car, Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips. "He'll be happy for _us_."

Alex beamed. "Yes. He'll be happy for us."

* * *

><p>When they got to the precinct, Elliot, John, and Fin were sitting at their desks in the squad room. "How should we do this?" Alex asked Olivia.<p>

Olivia shrugged. "Kiss me? That'll take care of it."

Alex chuckled and pushed Olivia's chest. "Cool it, hotshot. Let's _tell _them."

Olivia pouted. "Spoilsport."

Alex marveled at how quickly Olivia had assuaged her fears and made her forget all about Robert. She kept a tight grip on Olivia's hand as they walked over to Elliot. "Elliot," Alex said, "we have something to tell you."

Elliot looked up at Alex. "Alex," he said flatly, "you're back."

"El, it's okay," Olivia said, giving Alex's hand a squeeze. "We're together again. Alex moved back in."

He narrowed his eyes. "For good."

"Yes, Elliot," Alex said. "I'm not going anywhere this time."

"Don't hurt her ever again," he said in an undertone, ignoring the death glare Olivia shot him. "Or you'll be dealing with me."

Alex smiled slightly. "I deserve that," she said, covering Olivia's other hand with her own in an attempt to calm her girlfriend. "And I promise you, Elliot, I love Olivia, and I am never going to hurt her again."

Elliot regarded her carefully for a moment. Alex held his gaze without flinching.

Elliot finally nodded. "Then you have my blessing."

"Thank you, Elliot," Alex said seriously. "That means a lot to me."

Elliot leaned back in his chair. "I'm glad you're back, Alex."

* * *

><p>When Olivia got back to her apartment after work, she found Alex already home, curled up on the couch and reading a novel. She was wearing a pair of Olivia's boy shorts and a tank top that clung to her curves, and Olivia had never seen anything so sexy . . . or adorable. She was wearing her signature glasses, and Olivia had to consciously push down the arousal bubbling up inside her. Seeing Alex like this made Olivia want to ravish her, but now wasn't the time.<p>

She sat down next to Alex, nudging her feet to make room. "Hey, baby," she said, kissing Alex's forehead. "How you doing?"

Alex noticed the way Olivia's gaze lingered on her chest and smirked. "Liv, my eyes are up here."

Olivia blushed. "And what beautiful eyes they are, too."

"Smooth." Alex chuckled. "I think you see something you like."

"Oh, I do." Olivia unconsciously licked her lips. "In fact, I quite like the entire aesthetic package."

Alex quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, I know you do."

Olivia laughed. "You're doing that on purpose."

Alex laid her head in Olivia's lap. "True."

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "You're really testing my self-control," she said, smiling down at her girlfriend.

Alex leaned up to kiss Olivia's lips, exploring Olivia's mouth until the detective batted her away.

"That's enough, you. I'm going to have to have a cold shower."

Alex pouted. "Why?"

"Because we can't do this tonight, baby. Much as I want to."

"Why not?"

"We just can't."

"Okay." Alex pursed her lips. "Should I go put on a sweater?"

"No, no. I'll just . . . admire the aesthetic package from afar."

Alex's lips quirked upward. "I won't make it easy for you."

"Of course you won't." Olivia rolled her eyes. "But let me tell you right now, you're incredibly sexy like that."

"Why, thank you, Detective. But are you sure you wouldn't rather me put something else on, maybe one of your sweatshirts?"

Olivia groaned. Alex knew what that shirt did to her, and it was driving Olivia crazy. "_No_. You're too adorable."

"Ah. I can't really help that, you know."

"Oh, I do know." Olivia gave Alex a chaste kiss on the cheek. "You're so cute."

"And I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was meant as one."

Alex smirked. "You know, if anyone other than you ever called me cute, I'd knock their teeth out."

Olivia laughed. "I'd pay real money to see that."

* * *

><p>By dinnertime, Alex had thankfully changed into a long sleeved shirt. Although Olivia did love ogling her girlfriend, she couldn't really focus on accomplishing much while Alex was dressed like that. Her girlfriend was still casually adorable, but at least the urge to throw her on the bed and ravish her was no longer in the forefront of Olivia's mind. Which was a good thing, right?<p>

As they sat down at the dinner table, Alex seemed more pensive than she had when Olivia got home. Instead of eating the chicken parmesan they'd prepared together, she cut it into miniscule pieces and started pushing them around on her plate with her fork.

"Baby," Olivia said gently, "what's wrong?"

Alex sighed, cutting a tiny piece of chicken into two even smaller parts. "Nothing, Liv. I'm fine."

"Alex, it's me. You know you can talk to me."

Alex put down her cutlery and ran a hand through her hair. "I just feel bad, Liv. I messed up. With Robert. I know that it isn't fair to ask him to let go after everything, and I know he's a good man and he does care for me, and I just – I don't want him. I want you. I love you. I never loved him. I hurt him, Olivia. I shouldn't have led him on in the first place."

Olivia bit her lip. "Maybe you shouldn't have, but now it's over, and you told him you didn't want to see him again. Now it's his responsibility to leave you alone. And he never, _ever _has the right to raise a hand to you. No one ever has that right, Alex."

"I know that. He was just angry. Honestly, he never hit me before, Liv. He really isn't that kind of guy. You know I wouldn't have stayed with him if he ever hurt me."

"He did hurt you. Maybe not physically –"

"Liv, that's not fair. He just didn't know any better. He did his best."

"Alex, do you still have feelings for him?"

Alex sighed again. "Olivia, I never had feelings for him. He wasn't you."

"Sweetie, it just hurts me to think of you like that, needing someone to be there for you, and no one was."

"He just didn't know how to be what I needed. I need _you_."

"And I promise, baby, you'll always have me."

Alex closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, she saw Olivia's caring gaze boring into hers, and she felt completely at ease, completely safe, here with her girlfriend. She loved Olivia so much. But still, she felt guilty for what she'd done to Robert. She hadn't been fair to him.

But she had to be herself and do what was right for herself. She needed to be with Olivia.

"I don't know how to fix this," Alex said quietly.

"Alex, you've done what you needed to do. You broke up with him, gently, and when he didn't take the hint, you broke up with him slightly less gently. You told him to leave you alone, and he needs to do that now. You weren't cruel to him or anything. Now it's on him to be the adult and do the right thing."

"Liv, he's sitting in jail right now because of me."

"Alex, he's sitting in jail right now because he tried to hit you. No one will _ever _hurt you if I have anything to say about it. And this is just a warning. We'll let him go in the morning and you can get your TRO. He won't be able to harass you again."

"Like I said, Liv, it didn't really cross the line to _harassment _until today. He never hurt me before, never threatened me or anything. He just says he loves me and wants me back. And, I mean, I understand. I led him on."

Olivia reached out to take Alex's hand. It was cold, but as soft and smooth as Alex's skin always was, and Olivia stroked her hand with the pad of her thumb to warm it up. "Sweetie, you made a mistake. That's all there is to it. You've apologized, to me and to him, and now we can move forward. We don't need to dwell on that part of your life."

"_He _can't move forward."

"Baby, he's going to have to."

Olivia tried not to feel envious of the fondness Alex still had, in her own way, for Robert. She had to admit that all of this about Robert having to move on was a bit selfish of her. She didn't want to think about Alex being with Robert. Yes, it hurt her to think of Alex being lonely or hurt and needing someone and no one was there, but it also upset her, because she knew she should have been there for Alex. She couldn't help feeling resentful that Alex hadn't _let _her be there for her.

Alex sighed and let Olivia caress her hand, abandoning herself to Olivia's gentle touch. It was okay. Olivia was here, and she would make it okay.

* * *

><p>That night, as Alex lay in Olivia's arms and the detective rubbed soothing circles into her back, she couldn't stop thinking about Robert. He had never done this for her. He had never held her so carefully, as if she was something precious, to be cherished, treasured, protected. Olivia always treated her with such love.<p>

"I love you," she whispered against Olivia's collarbone.

"I love you, too," Olivia whispered back, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and cradling her girlfriend against her body, holding her closer, sheltering her.

"I'm so lucky," Alex said quietly. She played with the strap of Olivia's tank top. "When I was little, Liv, I always dreamed that I'd grow up and have a – a girlfriend, who would love me so much and treat me like a princess, and who would hold me every night, and whose face would be the first one I'd see every morning, but even my fantasies could never compare how amazing you are and how wonderful this is. I never believed I would ever find someone as perfect as you, and that you would love _me_."

Olivia's throat closed up for a moment at the raw vulnerability in Alex's voice. "Oh, Alex," was all she could say, and she held her girlfriend tighter. "_I'm _the lucky one, to have you."

"Liv?" Alex asked after a moment.

"Yeah, baby?"

"When you were little, did you imagine how things would be like, after?"

"I always knew I wanted to be a detective."

"No, I mean, relationships."

"If you're asking when I knew I was gay, I was five years old and had a crush on this little girl in my class. She had longest blonde hair I'd ever seen, almost down to her knees, and her mother braided it for her every morning. I was obsessed with trying to touch that hair, but when one day I snuck up on her at circle time and held one of her braids in my hand, she turned around and punched me in the face. End of crush."

Alex chuckled. "That's cute, but it wasn't what I meant. When you were little, did you think you were going to grow up and have someone to come home to every day? Did you ever imagine who that person might be, what she might look like?"

Olivia was quiet for a moment. "No, I never did," she finally said. "I never really thought anyone would be able to live with me, much less than love me. I never really had many friends, and you know – I didn't really want to let myself dream, or hope, when I figured I'd only be disappointed. If you have no expectations, you can never really get hurt."

Alex snaked an arm around Olivia's waist and felt Olivia's arms tighten around her. "I'm sorry, Liv."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry you felt that way when you were little, that you didn't know how amazing you are. And then that I hurt you. I'm sorry."

"Oh, baby. I have you now. I never dared to hope I'd find someone like you when I was younger, but now I just feel so blessed. I could never ask for anything more. I have everything I've ever wanted and needed and dreamed of and hoped for."

"You're everything to me, Liv," Alex said softly, giving Olivia a squeeze.

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her face and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Sleep now, baby. We've got work in the morning."

Alex smiled slightly. "That's the thing about having a girlfriend. Every night's a slumber party."

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, Alex got a TRO against Robert, and he was released from jail immediately after, with a warning that he would be arrested again if he tried to contact Alex.

After that was taken care of, Alex got to work, trying to ignore the heat of her colleagues' eyes on her throughout the day. Perhaps she was being paranoid, but it seemed that everyone was looking at her, examining her, whispering about her. She didn't like it. But she couldn't tell them to stop, just in case it was all in her head.

Jim Steele burst into her office after lunch, without even knocking. Alex raised her head and narrowed her eyes when she saw who it was. "Jim, this is my office. Don't barge in here like I'm one of your subordinates," she said in her iciest voice.

She wasn't pleased with the glances he'd been sending her for most of the day, the superficial advice he'd given her, the questions he'd been asking that were designed to probe into her private life and quite possibly destroy her career. She knew she was being overly suspicious of the people in her life right now, but Jim hadn't appreciated being rebuffed after that one frenzied sexual encounter on her desk. She hadn't meant to do it. She had never meant to lead him on. Yet, just like with Robert, she had, and she worried that she would have to face the consequences for that, too.

"Alexandra, is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"You and Detective Benson?"

Alex looked him right in the eye. "Yes, it is true. Not that it's of any concern to you, but Olivia is my girlfriend. I love her very much, Jim."

Jim walked over to her, knitting his brows in concern. "Alexandra, is this because of Robert?"

He put a hand on her arm, and she knew it was meant to comfort her, but Alex couldn't help but flinch away from the touch. She remembered how sex with him had been, frenetic, primal, not tender at all. He hadn't hurt her, not like that, but it hadn't been what she'd been looking for. For just a moment, she'd thought that perhaps he could give her what Robert couldn't, that he might treat her carefully, gently, lovingly. He hadn't. He'd treated her roughly, kissing her and thrusting into her as if she was something to be conquered, not cherished or treasured. He'd ripped her shirt open, passionately, but not tenderly. He'd satisfied her body for a moment, physically, but he hadn't done what she longed for. He hadn't treated her with any love, because he didn't love her. He wanted her body; that was all.

She pushed away the thoughts of their encounter and held his gaze. She wasn't ashamed of Olivia, and she wouldn't let anyone think she was. "No, Jim. It isn't because of Robert."

"Then – why? You're not gay."

Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Jim, I love Olivia. That's really all you need to know." She got up from her desk and strode to her office door, holding it open for him. "You're dismissed." She was his boss, and she wasn't going to let him forget it. She didn't owe him an explanation. She didn't owe him anything.

"But – but, Alexandra –"

"Jim, I have no interest in continuing this conversation. You're being paid to do a job. Now go do it."

Jim looked away and cleared his throat. "I just wanted to say, I'm happy for you."

_Sure you are_. The words were there, but Alex didn't say them. Instead, she gritted her teeth and said, "Thank you. I appreciate that."

He nodded. "But if you ever want to . . . you know . . ."

"Get out," Alex said sharply, and Jim hurried out the door.

Alex let out a deep breath as she closed the door behind him and sat back down at her desk. Without even thinking about it, her hand had found the phone and had started to dial Olivia's number. Once she realized what she was doing, she picked up the phone and hung it up without pressing the call button. She wasn't going to rely on Olivia like this. She could go eight hours without laying her problems on her girlfriend. With Robert hopefully out of the picture, she knew things were going to be okay.

As Alex skimmed over the Fierstein file Jessica had left for her, her cell phone rang. She answered it with a crisp, "Cabot," and was delighted to hear Olivia's voice on the other end.

"Hey, baby," her girlfriend said. "How's it going?"

Alex couldn't help but smile. "Better now. How's it going with you?"

"Work as usual. I just called to say I love you."

Alex beamed. "I love you, too, sweetheart."

"And actually, I wanted to see if you'd like to get dinner tonight."

"Detective Benson, are you asking me out on a date?"

"I believe I am, Ms. Cabot."

Alex chuckled. "You're a little late for that, babe. Usually couples date _before _they move in together. Or did you miss home ec. 101 in high school?"

"Oh, baby, I don't really think home ec 101 would have helped much, all things considered."

"I don't know. It might have taught you how to clean a bathroom."

"Oh, please. We have a cleaning lady."

"Has she gotten better at cleaning over the past few years? If I recall correctly, I always had to go over the kitchen counters, and she never remembered to dust behind our dresser. And she always put the measuring cups in the wrong cupboard."

She could hear Olivia's smile over the phone. "I fired her about a year ago, so don't you worry. We've got a much more competent one now."

Alex felt a warmth spread through her heart at Olivia's words. _They _had a more competent cleaning lady now. It was no longer Olivia as one entity and Alex as a separate one; it was a _them_. They were one, united.

"Anyway, back to the question at hand," Olivia said. "Will you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Are you paying?"

Olivia laughed. "Of course."

"Well, who am I to pass up a free meal?"

"Just a free meal?"

"And such fine company."

"I was thinking we'd go to Olive Garden. Is it still one of your favorites?"

Alex was impressed that Olivia remembered. They used to go to Olive Garden every Thursday. It was their standing date. It occurred to her that today was a Thursday. "Yes, it is."

"Still love their fettuccine alfredo?"

Alex grinned. "You know, you just made my day."

"Glad to hear it," Olivia said warmly. "So, how about we go right after work? I'll pick you up at your office around seven."

"Sounds good."

"Love you, baby."

"I love you, too, Liv. See you in a few hours."

* * *

><p>Six hours later, Alex and Olivia sat at an intimate corner booth at Olive Garden. Alex was holding Olivia's hand across the table and stroking it with the pad of her thumb. When Olivia cocked her head and gave Alex a curious look, Alex repeated what she'd said the day before. "I love you, Olivia Benson, and I want the whole world to know."<p>

Olivia beamed. "I love you, too, princess." Now that they'd spoken the words once, she couldn't stop saying them.

Alex looked at Olivia for a moment, that warm, fuzzy feeling being ignited in her once more. "You called me _princess_."

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips. "Yeah. I did."

Alex smiled, as much at Olivia's words as the feather-light kisses she was planting on Alex's hand. "You really are one in a million, you know."

Olivia pretended to be offended. "Only one in a million?"

"I mean, one in six billion. I couldn't ask for anything more. You're the one for me, Liv. Never doubt that."

Olivia regarded her fondly. "You're the one for me, too, Alex. And I've never doubted that."

Alex gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. No more words passed between them, but none were needed. They sat in comfortable silence, basking in their shared love for the rest of the evening.

* * *

><p>That night, Alex and Olivia made love, tenderly, gently, beautifully; the kind of sex that Alex had spent several long years missing and longing for and searching for. Olivia always left her feeling satisfied, not only physically, but emotionally. With every touch, every caress, every kiss, Olivia let Alex know how much she was loved, and how special she was.<p>

With their bodies still humming, the two of them fell into each other's arms afterwards, cuddling close as they always loved to after sharing such an intimate act. Alex laid her head on Olivia's shoulder and Olivia brushed Alex's soft blonde hair back from her forehead. It fanned out against Olivia's arm like a halo, and Olivia's breath hitched for a moment, awestruck at Alex's ethereal beauty. It was at times like this that she couldn't believe how she'd gotten so lucky. How had she managed to get this angel into her life, into her heart, and keep her there? She felt like she'd spent most of her life being left behind, by her mother every time she got drunk and left town with a sleazy boyfriend, by her so-called "friends" once they found out what her home life was like, by every woman she'd ever dated in university, and even by Alex, when she went into Witness Protection. But Alex was here to stay now. Olivia truly believed that. Alex was here for her. Alex would never leave again.

Olivia pulled Alex closer to her, cradling her in her arms, and Alex let out a soft, contented moan as she wrapped her arms more tightly around Olivia's waist. She pressed a kiss to the side of an exposed breast and murmured, "I love you," against the smooth olive skin.

Olivia rubbed gentle circles into Alex's back, soothing her in the aftermath of their lovemaking. She knew how exposing this act was for Alex, and she'd always taken care in the past to comfort her afterwards and reassure her that it really was okay to share this part of herself with Olivia. She knew how difficult it was for Alex to put herself in such a vulnerable position and give up control, even with a lover, and she wanted to show Alex how much she appreciated and cherished her body and this act. She had missed this.

Alex beamed and buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck, planting light kisses on the soft skin. "You are so beautiful," she said quietly.

Olivia smiled as she ran her fingers through Alex's silky blonde tresses. The warm body in her arms brought her more comfort and happiness than she'd ever believed she would find. She loved Alex so much. She'd never known this much love had existed before, lying dormant in her heart before she found someone to give it to, to share it with.

They fell asleep like that, nestled into each other, both feeling safer and more content than they'd ever felt in their lives.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, as Olivia woke Alex by laying a series of kisses across her collarbone and upper chest, and as she made Alex her favourite treat of strawberry banana crepes for breakfast, and then as they sat cuddled together as they ate, Alex kept worrying that this was just an amazing, perfect dream. Such bliss could never truly exist, not for her. She'd made too many mistakes in her life for this. Even as she lay her head in Olivia's lap and let her girlfriend feed her strawberries off her plate, in the back of her mind, she was sure that Robert would ring the doorbell in a moment, or Jim would call to tell her that her relationship with Olivia was front page news and she'd have to spend the rest of the day fielding that blow. She was filled with a sense of foreboding, knowing that this couldn't last.

Olivia noticed the tension she was carrying in her body, and once they were done eating, she sat Alex in her lap and started to massage her shoulders. "Relax, baby," she whispered, pressing a kiss to Alex's shoulder blade.

Alex sighed and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia knitted her brows. "Alex, about last night –"

"Last night was perfect," Alex said quietly.

"Then what is it? Did I do something?"

"No, no. Absolutely not. I love you, Olivia. Last night was special and wonderful and amazing and . . . and just perfect. I – I missed you, Liv."

"I missed you, too, sweetheart. But we don't need to talk about this now, okay? It's in the past."

Alex sighed again. "I know." She closed her eyes. "It's just – things don't work out this way for me. There's always something that gets in the way. It's too perfect. I feel like something's going to go wrong, Robert or Jim or just – I'm sorry. I'm being silly."

Olivia kissed Alex's temple. "Try not to worry, baby, okay? There's no point in worrying like I know you do. And you know I'm here for you. No matter what happens, we'll get through it together."

"I know." Alex wrapped her arms fiercely around Olivia's neck and buried her face in her girlfriend's shoulder. "Liv, last night was incredible. You made me feel so – so special, so loved. I love how you treat me and how you touch me and just – everything." She smiled weakly. "See, you're so amazing, I can't even find the words."

Olivia smiled warmly and tucked an errant strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "I'm honored. We all know that's not a common occurrence."

Alex chuckled at Olivia's teasing and exhaled deeply. She kissed Olivia's cheek and threaded her fingers through her girlfriend's short, soft hair. "We have work," she whispered into Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia hugged Alex tightly. "How about we call in late? I just want to hold you for a little while longer."

Alex smiled. Truth be told, she wanted that too. But Alex had a mountain of paperwork sitting on her desk that she needed to get through by Monday, and she hadn't wanted to do any work over the weekend. "We can't, sweetie. There are things I have to do today. I know you've got work to do, too."

"Mm, I don't care." Olivia leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on Alex's lips. "I just want to be with you."

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Baby, I've waited three years to play hooky with you. Why should we wait any longer?"

Alex couldn't help but smile slightly at that. "I'd love to, Liv, but I'm the boss at work now. What kind of example does it set –?"

"Oh." Olivia's face fell. "Okay." She gently pushed Alex off her lap. "I'll be ready to go in ten."

Alex felt terrible. "Liv, I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "No, you're right. We'll have some time after work to spend together. You're right; we've got the weekend."

"Okay. I'm going to get dressed."

They drove to work in silence. Olivia dropped Alex off first with a quick kiss on her cheek. "I'll see you after work, baby," she said quietly.

Alex leaned over to kiss Olivia's lips. "I love you," she whispered against her girlfriend's mouth.

Olivia cupped Alex's cheek and gave her a smile as Alex pulled back. "I love you, too, baby. So much."

Alex beamed, and she started toward her office with a spring in her step.

* * *

><p>Alex was skimming through a file when she heard a knock on her door. "Come in," she called, and a man she didn't recognize stepped in, bearing a bouquet of red roses.<p>

"Ms. Cabot," he said in a heavily accented voice as he handed Alex the flowers. "From your beau."

Alex took the flowers and opened the typed note. _I love you_, was all it said. Alex smiled. Olivia was so sweet. "Thank you," she said to the man. "I appreciate this."

He smiled back at her and left as Alex set the flowers in a vase she kept on her cupboard and started toward the washroom to get some water.

On her way back to her office, she ran into Jim. She saw his eyes flicker toward the bouquet and his eyebrows shoot upward. "That Detective Benson must really love you," he said dryly.

Alex smiled. "Yes. Yes, Jim. She does."

"Or she's hoping to get lucky tonight."

Alex gaped at him. She couldn't believe he'd just said that. "How _dare _you."

Jim raised his hands in an exaggerated gesture of surrender. "Hey, it's not my business –"

"Damn right it's not."

"– But I can see why, you know. I remember how good it was with us." Jim smirked. "Then again, I doubt Detective Benson has to buy sexual favors."

Alex worked her jaw for a moment, attempting to push down the rage that threatened to bubble to the surface. She wouldn't let Jim get to her like this. "That's right," she said calmly. "She doesn't."

Jim's eyebrows shot up, as if he'd expected more of a reaction than that. "I bet the two of you are hot together."

Alex took a deep breath. This was just too much. "Jim, I suggest you step out of my way before I call up Detective Benson and have her charge you with sexual harassment."

Jim shrugged. "For what it's worth, I'm happy for you."

He turned and started back to his own office, but Alex grabbed his wrist, her eyes blazing. "You do _not _get to make a crude comment about my girlfriend and then tell me you're fucking _happy _for me."

The corners of Jim's lips twitched. "Now I suggest _you _let go of me, Alexandra, before I call up Detective Benson and have her charge you with assault."

Seething, Alex released Jim's arm. "If you ever say anything even remotely derogatory or inappropriate about my girlfriend ever again, I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand?"

Jim nodded, a twinkle still in his eye. "Understood, boss."

Alex forced herself to keep her gait steady as she stalked back to her office. She had to call Olivia, she had to tell her – she was afraid of what Jim might do. This was all her own fault. If it had negative repercussions for Olivia – no, she wasn't even going to go there. She would finish off the work day, and at 6:00, she would return to the safety of Olivia's arms.

* * *

><p>Alex made a conscious effort not to mention Jim when Olivia picked her up from work. Instead, she leaned over to kiss Olivia's cheek and grasped her girlfriend's hand in her own. "Thanks for the flowers earlier, Liv," she said with a smile.<p>

Olivia cocked her head and knitted her brow. "Flowers? I didn't get you flowers."

"But – I thought – shit." Alex sighed. "Robert."

"What are you talking about, Alex? What happened?"

"Robert must have sent me the flowers. Red roses, with a note saying _I love you_. I just assumed they were from you."

Olivia smiled. "Well, I do love you, you know. That's a given."

Alex ran a hand through her hair. "Too bad sending me flowers isn't a direct violation of the TRO."

"Isn't it? He's attempting to contact you."

"No, not really. And the note wasn't signed, so there's really no evidence . . . you know what, if flowers are all he's going to do, I say we just let it be."

"Alex, I'm worried about you. I'm worried he's going to try to hurt you."

"_Olivia_, he's not that type of man. I wouldn't have moved in with him otherwise."

"Do you remember the Sennet case, Alex? Where the husband with absolutely no history of domestic violence suddenly snapped and set his wife on fire?"

Alex grimaced. "If you're trying to make me paranoid, it's working."

"Sweetie, I'm not trying to scare you. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost you again. I _can't _lose you again, baby. I love you too much."

"I love you, too, Liv."

"I mean it, baby. You're too precious for me to let anything happen to you."

Alex smiled and gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. "Nothing's going to happen to me, Liv. Don't worry, okay? Please don't worry about me."

"I can't help it, Alex. I love you. That's what people who love each other do. I worried about you the whole time when you were in Witness Protection and then when you were with Robert – I'm sorry. I'm not blaming you for anything."

"I know." Alex felt that it might be prudent to change the subject. "So how was work?"

"Uneventful, thankfully."

"And how's Elliot doing?"

"Since yesterday? Really, Alex."

"Okay . . . I was thinking, how about we go see a show this weekend? Remember how we used to do that every month? I miss that."

"I can't. I'm on call Saturday."

"Saturday night?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"We could catch a matinee."

Olivia gave her a smile. "I was thinking we'd spend Sunday cuddling."

Alex smiled back. "I'd really like that," she said quietly.

"Then it's a date."

* * *

><p>Alex started awake in the middle of the night to a banging on their apartment door. She thought about going to answer the door herself, but decided that might not be prudent. "Liv," she said softly, gently shaking the woman in her arms. "Someone's at the door."<p>

"Mm, are you expecting anyone?" Olivia asked, rubbing her eyes.

"No – and don't people need to be buzzed in?"

Olivia yawned. "Maybe it's Elliot. What time is it?"

Alex glanced at the clock. "3:27."

Olivia groaned and climbed out of bed, grabbing her service weapon from the night table as the knocking grew more insistent. "You stay here," she said to Alex.

Alex shook her head, hot at Olivia's heels as her girlfriend stalked toward the front door, muttering that it better be important.

Olivia looked through the peephole. "Alex, it's Jim."

Alex sighed. "Open the door." As soon as the door opened, she said in the sharpest whisper she could muster at such an early hour, "Jim Steele, what in the world was so important that you needed to come to my home at three in the morning to discuss with me?"

"Lower your voice, Alexandra," Jim said with his signature smirk. "Your neighbors are sleeping."

"So were we."

"Are you sure I didn't _interrupt _something?"

"Jim, I'm not going to stand here and listen to this. Go home."

Jim pulled a stack of papers from his briefcase. "Fine. But when this hits the fan, I'm not going to be the one taking the heat." He dropped the papers and nodded at Olivia. "Goodnight, Alexandra, Detective Benson."

As he sauntered down the hallway, Alex picked up the papers Jim had brought her. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she skimmed them. "Liv, it's an article about us! _Bureau Chief Cabot's Lesbian Affair _– dammit!"

"You think Jim is responsible for this?"

"No, no, he wouldn't want to do that to the bureau – shit. How did he even get his hands on this, anyway? Dammit, it's probably going to be printed tomorrow morning and I don't even know which goddamn tabloid it's going to be in!"

"Call Jim."

"Oh, he's not going to tell me. Shit, that's probably why he brought these, because he knew it would keep me up all night trying to figure out how to fix it – God, Branch is going to kill me!"

"Alex, this isn't your fault."

"But it's bad publicity – Liv, I'm not ashamed of you, you know I'm not, but Branch is going to tell me this is bad for the bureau, and he's right. It's politics, Olivia, just politics."

"So why does it matter?"

"Because the taxpayers elect Branch and he wants his bureau to have a spotless reputation – shit, Liv, what can I do?"

"There's nothing you can do right now, sweetheart. They've probably already printed it. Just come back to bed with me and try not to worry. Deal with it tomorrow if you have to."

"That's easy for you to say. It's not your job at stake."

"Alex, don't let him get to you like this. This is what he wants – he wants to come between us, he wants us to be fighting. Don't let him win."

"Robert?"

"Whoever sent in this 'story'."

Alex sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm just – Liv, I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be a prosecutor. It's all I've ever wanted to do, ever since I was four years old. I used to watch _Arrest and Trial _reruns with my mother, and I used to think, 'I want to do that. I want to do that so badly.' And then I realized what actual good I could do, with SVU – I just can't lose this, Liv."

Olivia cupped Alex's cheek and tenderly kissed her lips. "You won't, baby, I promise. Everything's going to be okay."

"Oh, Liv. You don't know that. You can't always be my hero. You can't always make things better for me."

"I'll fix this, Alex. I'll talk to Branch –"

"No, no. I will. I'm not ashamed of you. I'll tell him this is who I am, who I'm always going to be, and if he thinks my sexuality is more important than my prosecutorial skills, then he's the one with the problem, not me."

Olivia smiled and gave Alex another kiss. "There you go."

**Review for part nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

First thing in the morning, as expected, Alex found herself called into Arthur Branch's office. "Take a seat, Alexandra," he said gravely.

Alex stayed standing. She was not going to let this man bully her. She was not ashamed of Olivia, and she would not act as though she was. Instead, she fixed him with her piercing gaze and said coldly, "No, thank you."

Branch sighed and gestured to the newspaper on his desk. It was _The Enquirer, _and Alex could see that the article about her was on the second page. _Wonderful. _"Have you seen this?" Branch asked.

"Yes, I have," is all she said.

"Alexandra, what you do in your personal life isn't my business, but when it infringes upon the integrity of our bureau –"

"Excuse me, but I fail to see how a private relationship between two consenting adults infringes upon the integrity of this bureau."

Branch looked at Alex for a long moment. "Alexandra, I think you know why."

"Because she's a woman?"

Branch didn't reply.

Alex's eyes were blazing. "That's pretty bigoted, even coming from you, Arthur."

"Alexandra, unfortunately, that's the world we live in today. I didn't create it, I don't endorse it, but it's my responsibility to keep this bureau free of scandal."

Alex gritted her teeth. "There's no _scandal_. She's my girlfriend and I love her. Where's the scandal in that?"

Branch sighed again. "I'm putting you on administrative leave."

"Administrative leave? Why?"

"Alexandra –"

"I didn't do anything wrong, Arthur, and you know it."

"This isn't me assigning you guilt, Alexandra. It's just until this whole thing boils over. A few weeks at most."

"A few _weeks_? Arthur, I have a bureau to run."

"It's taken care of."

"What do you mean, it's taken care of? Who the hell –?"

"Jim Steele is going to take on your responsibilities. It's only temporary, Alexandra."

Alex felt her anger rising and clenched her fists as adrenaline began to course through her. She wanted to hit Branch, was afraid she actually would. "And I don't get a say in the matter? It's all decided for me?"

"It's only temporary –"

"Arthur, you _offered _me this job."

"That may have been a mistake. If you can't keep your personal life out of the papers –"

"There is no way in _hell _you're turning this around on me."

"I want you to go home, Alexandra. When this is all over, I will give you a call and you can return to work."

"And Jim?"

"He's been informed of the . . . situation."

For once in her life, Alex couldn't think of anything to say. Her mind raced, trying to come up with a course of action, but nothing came to mind. All she could do was turn on her heel and stalk out of Branch's office with her dignity still mostly intact. With shaking hands, Alex dialed Olivia's phone number, trying to push back the tears welling up in her eyes. She would _not _cry.

Olivia answered on the first ring. "Hi, baby," she said in the tender, affectionate voice she reserved only for Alex. Those two words slightly calmed Alex's racing mind, and the trembling of her body mostly eased. "How's it going?"

Alex let out a deep breath. "Branch put me on administrative leave," she said with no preamble.

She heard Olivia's sharp inhale. "Oh, Alex – I'm sorry – I'm so sorry. What can I do?"

"Nothing. There's not anything you can do." Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. And he said it's only temporary. I'm sure everything will work out," she said, even though she wasn't.

"Are you going home?" Olivia asked.

"In a few minutes."

"Okay. I'll get the day off and meet you there in twenty."

"Liv, you don't have to."

"I want to. I love you, Alex. I'm here for you."

"I know you are. I know you're working a big case –"

"Elliot can manage without me." Alex heard the words Olivia didn't say, _You're more important to me_, and she beamed. Olivia really did love her, and now she was sure that, job or not, she would be okay.

* * *

><p>Olivia got home fifteen minutes after Alex did. She found her girlfriend curled up on the couch, nursing a cup of tea and focusing intently on the novel she held in her hands. Standing in the doorway, Olivia watched Alex for a moment, noticing that her blue eyes were reddened and glassy. Poor baby, she was being so strong.<p>

Olivia sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around Alex, who immediately curled into her and rested her head on her chest, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Liv, I'm sorry –" she started, but Olivia silenced her with a gentle kiss, threading her fingers through Alex's silky blonde hair and holding her close.

"Shh, baby, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay. Just try to breathe, all right? Try to relax for me." She could feel Alex's slender body trembling in her arms and hugged her girlfriend more tightly. "I love you, baby." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Just let me hold you."

Alex exhaled deeply again, still trying to hold in her tears. She couldn't believe things had gone so wrong so badly. But Olivia was here, grounding her, protecting her, loving her, and Olivia would make it okay.

But her job – all she'd ever wanted was to be a prosecutor. She couldn't lose her job. But she couldn't lose Olivia either. She would never lose Olivia. There was nothing she could do but hope things would work themselves out.

Her mind registered Olivia rubbing soothing circles into the small of her back, and Alex leaned into the touch, trying to relax her coiled muscles. "You didn't need to come home," she said when she'd mostly recovered herself, after nearly half an hour of Olivia's pleasurable caresses.

"I don't mind, Alex, really. I want to be with you. I want to hold you in my arms. I want to do whatever I can to help you feel better. I am so, so sorry this happened, baby."

"Liv, it isn't your fault. It was going to happen sooner or later. I love you. I'm not ashamed of us. Maybe this wasn't the best way for everyone to find out, but I want the whole world to know that I love you, to know that you're mine and I'm yours. You're the love of my life."

Olivia smiled and gave Alex a kiss. "You're the love of my life, too, princess."

Alex snuggled closer to her girlfriend. God, she loved this. She would never admit this to anyone, had never even realized it before she'd met Olivia, but she loved cuddling like this. She loved being held, especially by her girlfriend. She loved feeling so treasured and protected, so special, and so important, like she was the only one in Olivia's entire world. Independent as she was and could be, she loved being taken care of sometimes. She loved the words of endearment Olivia whispered into the shell of her ear. She loved how Olivia rubbed her back or stroked her hair, how Olivia would kiss her so gently sometimes, and so passionately other times. She loved how Olivia could read her so well. She never needed to tell her girlfriend what she wanted physically; Olivia always just knew.

They sat in silence for a few more moments until Olivia's hand stilled on Alex's back. "I'm going to run you a bath," she said quietly, pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead.

As her girlfriend got to her feet, Alex was struck with the nearly overwhelming urge to reach out to her and pull her back down, to cling to Olivia and never let go. But she resisted. She could go three minutes without touching Olivia. Her girlfriend was doing something for _her_, after all, trying to make her feel better.

A few moments later, Olivia returned. "The bath's ready. Come on." She held her hand out to Alex and led her to the bathroom.

Alex smiled at the scene before her. Olivia had used her favourite lavender bath salts and lit several vanilla-scented candles. A warm mug of hot chocolate sat on the ledge of the bathtub, and Olivia gave Alex a tender smile as she helped slide her shirt off.

"You just lay back and relax, princess," she said, leaning forward to quickly kiss Alex's lips.

Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, refusing to let her girlfriend go. "You'll stay with me?" She hated the vulnerability present in her tone, but she couldn't help it. She needed Olivia, always, but especially after the morning she'd had.

"Of course." Olivia undressed herself and climbed into the bath with Alex, spreading her legs so Alex could sit between them and wrapping her arms around Alex's stomach.

Alex closed her eyes and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Thank you for all of this, Liv. I really appreciate everything. And it means a lot that you're here. You really didn't have to come home, but I'm glad you did."

"Of course I did, Alex. I'm here for you no matter what. You will always come first, before work, before everything. I want you to know that."

Alex felt a familiar tightening in her chest at Olivia's words, because she knew that she had never put the detective first, especially not before work. Her image and political ambitions had always been more important, and she resolved once again to show Olivia how that had changed. She loved Olivia will all her heart, and she would never give her up again, not for anything. "I do," she whispered, taking both of Olivia's hands in her own and squeezing them.

Olivia kissed Alex's shoulder blade, and they sat in the bathtub in silence, holding each other, comforting each other physically, until Olivia noticed her own and Alex's fingers starting to wrinkle. She nudged Alex, whose breathing had evened out. "Come on, sweetie. Time to get out."

"Do we have to?" Alex mumbled.

Olivia chuckled. "Yeah, we do, baby. You're turning into a prune!"

"Mm hm."

Olivia climbed out of the tub and held her hands out to Alex, helping her to her feet and immediately wrapping her in a warm, fluffy towel that she'd heated on the vent in the bathroom. She hugged Alex for a moment, not caring that she was soaking wet, simply wanting the contact with her girlfriend. She held Alex until the blonde lightly pushed her away, saying that she was getting her wet.

Olivia's eyes twinkled. "Don't I always?" she said, and Alex laughed, lightly smacking her arm.

"I set myself up for that one," she said ruefully, handing Olivia her towel. Then her expression turned serious. "Thank you for everything, Olivia. I mean it."

"So you're feeling a bit better, baby?"

Alex nodded, pulling Olivia close to her again. "Much better."

"Better enough to cook dinner?"

"Dinner?" Alex glanced at the clock. "It's only 4:15."

"In a couple hours."

"Hmm, nice try." Alex kissed Olivia's cheek. "I'll make you a deal. I'll make soup if you'll make a salad, and maybe some pasta or something."

"Alex! The soup comes from a _can_. That's not really fair."

Alex laughed. "Who said anything about fair?"

**Review for part ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

Since Alex was stuck at home indefinitely and Olivia couldn't stay with her, much as she wanted to, Alex decided to make herself useful. She reorganized the closet, did all of the errands they usually split, cooked elaborate meals that usually didn't turn out the way she wanted them to, organized her bookshelf by subject and then by the author's last name, went shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue to cheer herself up and bought several thousand dollars worth of merchandise, most of which she returned the next day, and cleaned the entire house until it was spotless.

Saturday was Valentine's Day, and Alex made a point of doing something special for Olivia. Now that she had unlimited time on her hands, she could make Olivia's day perfect for her. Although she would never admit it, she was truly a romantic at heart, and Olivia deserved everything Alex could give her. Alex was never good at being idle, and she spent days planning their night.

She was going to take Olivia out for a romantic dinner at one of their favourite restaurants and then ice skating at the Rockefeller Center and for a ride on a horse drawn carriage through Central Park. That seemed like the perfect way to end their evening. Then when they got home, she would have a trail of roses leading to their bedroom and vanilla-scented candles burning. She would give Olivia a massage as the detective always loved her too, and they would cuddle and maybe make love before drifting off to sleep, holding each other. They could sleep late in the morning, and Alex couldn't wait to put her plan into action. Olivia deserved to be pampered, and she was glad to be the one to do it.

* * *

><p>On Saturday, Olivia had to work, but before she left in the morning, she woke Alex by laying a trail of feather light kisses across her collarbone. When Alex opened her eyes, she was met with Olivia's beautiful brown eyes twinkling at her, and she couldn't help but smile. "Good morning, sweetheart," she said, pulling Olivia in for a kiss.<p>

Olivia beamed and ran a hand through Alex's hair. "I have something for you, princess."

Alex gave Olivia a hug. "Oh, Liv, you know you didn't have to."

"Of course I did. It's Valentine's Day and you're my girl."

Alex grinned. "All right, Detective. What do you have for me?"

Olivia handed Alex a jewellery box. When Alex's eyes widened, Olivia said quickly, "It's not what you think it is. Just open it."

Alex opened the box and gasped when she saw what was inside. "Liv – this is too much."

Olivia smiled and gave Alex a kiss. She took the necklace out of the jewellery box. "Do you want me to put it on you?"

"Please." Alex sat up and lifted her hair, tears rushing to her eyes as Olivia clasped the necklace. "It's beautiful, Liv."

It was a gold necklace with a heart-shaped pendant. The pendant contained half of each of their birthstones, a garnet for Olivia and a ruby for Alex. "This is us," Olivia said quietly, stroking Alex's cheek with the pad of her thumb.

Alex just nodded, to overcome with emotion to speak. The necklace represented them perfectly. They belonged together. One would be incomplete without the other. "I'll never take it off," Alex said through the lump in her throat.

Olivia hugged Alex tightly. "I love you, princess."

"Oh, Liv. I love you, too." They sat in silence for a few minutes, holding each other, until Alex broke the silence with a smile and a teasing lilt in her voice. "I don't think my gift to you can even compare to this. You've set the bar pretty high."

Olivia chuckled. "You know _you _didn't need to get me anything."

"I didn't. I'm taking you out tonight, remember?"

"I see. So really you're just giving yourself a gift."

Alex laughed and lightly punched Olivia's arm. "We can just stay home –"

"No, that's okay. I'll humor you."

"Don't put yourself out."

Olivia smiled and kissed Alex's cheek. "I'm late for work. I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"

Alex's hand went almost instinctively to the pendant around her neck, absently rubbing the stones. "Okay."

* * *

><p>When Olivia got home from work, Alex was in the bedroom and getting changed into her red dress. It was Olivia's favourite, which is why she had chosen it. She fingered her necklace as she glanced at herself in the mirror and smiled. She looked nice. She knew Olivia didn't care what she wore and liked Alex just fine in jeans and a t-shirt, or nothing at all, but sometimes she liked to dress up for her girlfriend, and Olivia appreciated it.<p>

Olivia came into the bedroom a moment later and put her hands on Alex's shoulders, pressing a kiss to the base of her girlfriend's neck. "Hi."

"Hi," Alex said, giving Olivia a smile.

Olivia nibbled on Alex's pulse point. "You look gorgeous."

Alex couldn't help but moan. "Liv," she said when she'd regained her voice, "stop it. We'll be late for dinner."

"Mm. I wouldn't mind being late for dinner."

Alex batted her away. "Get dressed. I'm taking you out tonight."

"Yes, boss."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Alex and Olivia sat at an intimate booth at their favourite restaurant, sharing a chocolate torte. Alex was feeding Olivia pieces of the torte off her own fork and fighting down her arousal at the way Olivia took the chocolate into her mouth and closed her eyes as she chewed, her tongue darting out to lick her lips. Alex knew Olivia was doing it on purpose, but she couldn't find it in her to mind.<p>

They shared smiles between bites of the dessert, tender smiles that brought tears to Alex's eyes. As they finished their torte, Olivia placed her hand on top of Alex's and kept it there, enjoying the warmth of their connection. They didn't speak, both too full of emotion and joy and gratitude and love to form coherent words.

After Alex paid the bill, they left the restaurant hand in hand. Alex got a cab and the two sat in the backseat with their arms around each other, silent throughout the ride until Olivia realized where they were going. "Alex, I thought we were going home."

"No. I thought we'd go skating. I booked the rink for half an hour."

"Seriously? You booked the ice rink at the _Rockefeller Center _for half an hour? How much did that cost, Alex?"

"It doesn't matter. I wanted to. For you."

Olivia smiled and leaned forward to kiss Alex's lips. "You're something else," she said affectionately.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Alex and Olivia sat at the edge of the skating rink, their faces red and their fingers intertwined as they sipped hot chocolate and watched the other skaters on the ice rink. Skating was not Alex's forte, and she'd fallen down a couple times, which made Olivia laugh. Now her legs were hurting, but she didn't mind. They'd had a lovely evening, and it wasn't over yet.<p>

When they finished their hot chocolate, Alex hailed another taxi and told the driver to take them to Central Park.

Olivia raised her eyebrows at the instruction. "What are we doing now?"

Alex smiled and took Olivia's hand. "You'll see. I thought this would be the perfect way to end a lovely evening."

It was snowing lightly as they got out of the cab at Central Park, and Alex led Olivia over to the horse-drawn carriages.

"Which one do you want?" she asked.

Olivia pointed to one of the horses, who was restlessly kicking its heels. "Him."

"Okay." They went over to the horse, and Alex spoke to the driver for a moment and paid her before they sat down in the carriage. Alex pulled the blanket over them and wrapped an arm around Olivia.

Even though it was February, it felt like a Christmas scene right out of a snow globe. Sleet was falling, covering their hair and the horse's mane, as they sat in the carriage with the blanket wrapped over them and their arms around each other. Olivia had a brilliant wide grin on her face, looking happier than Alex had seen her in a long time.

Alex pulled her close and kissed her cheek. "So are you enjoying our night?"

"Of course. It's been perfect." Olivia gave Alex a squeeze. "Thank you for all of this."

They were silent for the rest of the ride around Central Park, enjoying the beauty of the park at night and each other's company. When it was over, Alex held her hand out to Olivia and helped her down from the carriage. She brought Olivia's hand to her lips and kissed it, which made Olivia smile.

They held hands throughout the taxi ride home, and they walked up to their apartment with their fingers still intertwined, both taking comfort from in their shared warmth and connection.

Alex let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when she opened the door and saw that Elliot had followed through with her plan. A trail of roses started at the front door and led to the bedroom, and Alex could smell the vanilla incense throughout their apartment. She had called Elliot several days ago and asked him for help with the surprise, and although he was still wary of her intentions, once she had explained what she wanted him to do, he had agreed. She knew he cared for Olivia deeply and wanted to make her happy just as much as Alex did. She had given him a copy of their key and told him exactly how to lay out the apartment, and he had evidently done so.

"Alex, what's all this?" Olivia asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"For you, love." She tugged on Olivia's hand, pulling her toward the bedroom. "Come on. I got you something."

"Something _else_?"

"Something small." She led Olivia into the bedroom and smiled when she saw the bouquet of a dozen red roses sitting beside the vanilla scented candles on the vanity. She let go of Olivia and picked up the flowers, handing them to her girlfriend. "For you. With my love."

Olivia felt tears rushing to her eyes. Alex had done everything to make her day perfect for her, and she appreciated it more than she could express. She pulled Alex to her and hugged her tightly, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. "I love you so much," she whispered.

Alex smiled into Olivia's shoulder. "I love you, too. That's what all this is about, you know."

"Of course."

They held each other in silence for a few moments before Alex drew back. "Why don't you get undressed, Detective, and I'll give you a massage?"

"That sounds good to me, Counsellor," Olivia said, giving Alex another quick kiss before starting to take off her clothes. "Join me?"

"Of course." Alex quickly undressed herself and lay down on the bed, reflexively licking her lips as Olivia's delicious, toned olive skin was revealed to her. "You are absolutely beautiful," she couldn't help but say.

Olivia smiled at her as she pulled off her panties and sat down on the bed beside Alex. Alex sat up and began to knead Olivia's shoulders, loving the tiny moans Olivia emitted at the touch. "You are so good at that, it's not even funny," Olivia said. "I think I'll keep you as my personal masseuse."

Alex chuckled. "Don't get used to it."

Olivia pouted. "But that feels _so _nice."

Alex moved her hands lower to massage Olivia's back. "What's got you so tense, Liv?" she asked, knitting her brow at the tight knots she could feel beneath her hands.

"The fact that you haven't done this for me for awhile."

Alex smiled in spite of herself. "I think we'll have to rectify that, then."

"Mm hm."

When Alex had finished giving Olivia a massage, they lay down in bed, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. One of Alex's hands was absently rubbing her pendant and one of Olivia's hands was caressing Alex's hair. Alex felt safer and more content than she'd ever felt in her life. She always felt that way when she was with Olivia.

"I love you," she said again, leaning over to kiss Olivia's neck.

"Love you, too, princess," Olivia mumbled, and the two of them drifted off to sleep.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning as Alex and Olivia were on their way out for breakfast, the doorman stopped them. "Ms. Cabot, this arrived for you yesterday," he said, handing her a box.

"Thank you, Matthew," Alex said, eyeing the box. It didn't look suspicious, but her job had taught her to be wary of unexpected deliveries.

She sat down on a bench in the lobby and carefully opened the box. Inside was another box of chocolates. They looked pretty harmless.

"Is there a card?" Olivia asked from beside her.

Alex nodded and pulled it out. The note was typed, and it too looked fairly innocuous. Until she read it.

_I thought the article in _The Enquirer _would show you what a bad decision you're making. I guess I was wrong. Perhaps you need a real man inside you to show you what you're missing. Happy Valentine's Day, darling._

Alex's hands trembled as she dropped the note. It wasn't signed, but she knew exactly who it was from.

"Alex, what is it?" Olivia asked.

"Robert," was all she could say.

Olivia skimmed the note over Alex's shoulder. She tried to suppress her gasp at the threat, forcing down her own concern for Alex and trying to strong. Alex needed her to be there for her.

She wrapped her arms around Alex, holding her tightly. "It's going to be okay, baby. I promise I won't let him hurt you."

"It's not me that I'm worried about."

"Alex, he's not going to hurt me, either. I can protect myself. I can protect you, too, if you let me."

"Liv, I can't put you in danger."

"Alex, you aren't. I love you. I want to be with you. I'll take care of us, of both of us."

Alex sighed. "Do you still want to go out for breakfast?"

"Only if you want to."

"We can't let him control our lives, Olivia. Let's go."

They got up and threw the chocolates in the garbage on their way out, and walked the three blocks to one of their favourite breakfast places. They sat down at a table, holding hands. The delivery had shaken Alex this morning, but Olivia was here and she would keep her safe. Alex knew that. Everything was going to be fine.

Olivia ordered orange-cinnamon French toast and Alex ordered a parfait, and when their food arrived, they ate in comfortable silence. Alex had a few bites off Olivia's plate and when Olivia noticed how Alex kept glancing uneasily around the restaurant, she got up and sat down beside Alex on her side of the booth. She took Alex into her arms and held her close. She knew Alex was trying to put on a brave front, but the package she'd received from Robert had clearly frightened her. Alex wasn't nearly as strong as she was trying to portray, and Olivia wished that Alex hadn't insisted on going out. She wished they were back in their apartment right now, curled up on the sofa. She would be holding Alex in private, soothing her, rather than forcing her to put on a brave face in public.

Alex melted into Olivia's embrace, and they sat like that for several long moments. Suddenly, Alex shifted in Olivia's arms and moved away from her. "Is there something I can help you with?" Alex asked, composing herself once again.

Olivia looked up to see a tall man with curly dark hair standing at the head of their table. "Are you Alexandra Cabot?"

Alex sat up a little straighter. "Yes, I am. What can I do for you?"

"Is this your girlfriend?"

"I don't see how that is any of your concern, but yes, she is. Who are you?"

"Colin Engel. I'm a reporter for _The Post_. Do you have a moment?"

"Actually, I don't." Alex slid out of the booth and helped Olivia to her feet. "Come on, Liv. We're going home."

Olivia dropped some money on the table and they started toward the exit, Colin Engel hot at their heels. "Ms. Cabot, I'd like to speak to you. I'm writing an article for _The Post_. It'll be published on Tuesday. Front page. I've already spoken to your ex-fiancé. I'd like to get your side of the story."

Alex tried not to show the panic coursing through her veins at his words. This was never going to end. "Stay away from us," she said, raising her hand to hail a cab.

The reporter grabbed her wrist. "Ms. Cabot, you're making a mistake –"

Within ten seconds of him laying his hands on Alex, he was being pressed up against the side of the building. "Don't you dare _touch_ her," Olivia said, pushing him against the wall for good measure. "And if you know what's good for you, you won't publish that article."

"It's my job, Detective," Colin said through the iron grip Olivia had on him.

"Yeah, and this is mine." She shoved him against the brick again, causing the reporter to hiss in pain.

"I could have you arrested for assault."

"And we could sue you for libel. Does your _reputable _paper have enough money to pay us five hundred thousand in damages?"

"Let go of me, Detective."

Olivia didn't release him until she felt Alex's hand on her arm. "Don't, Liv. He's not worth it."

Olivia let go of him. "You are not to come near either of us ever again. Are we clear?"

Colin glared at her as Alex raised her hand again to hail a cab, linking her arm with Olivia's. "You'll regret this," he muttered as he started down the street in the opposite direction.

* * *

><p>When they got back to their apartment, Alex was ready to go to bed and sleep for a hundred years. First Robert, then the reporter, and the bitter realization that Jim was going to be handling the bureau – <em>her <em>bureau – for the indefinite future. She just didn't know what to do.

_Robert_. God. Although she would never admit it, he had frightened her with his ominous note. If she had seen what lay beneath his charming exterior, she never would have moved in with him to begin with. She feared that she would be paying for her mistake for the rest of her life. And the worst part was that she had brought Olivia into it now, too.

She knew Olivia had noticed her putting on the stay alarm as soon as they entered the apartment, but her girlfriend hadn't said anything. Olivia had simply retreated to the bedroom to change into sweats and a t-shirt, and then sat down on the couch to watch television.

Alex took a few moments in the bedroom to calm herself down before she went out to the living room to join Olivia. Olivia held out her arms to Alex and Alex snuggled up against her side. Olivia pressed a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and Alex sighed, closing her eyes as she slid closer to Olivia.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair and turned off the television. "You okay?" she said softly.

Alex nodded, then shook her head. "Liv, what if Robert . . .?" She couldn't finish the thought. It was too painful. "I don't want him to hurt you."

"Baby, he won't hurt me. Or you. Or anyone. I'll have him arrested for violating his restraining order."

"No, no. We can't definitively _prove _that he sent the chocolates, and you know he's got connections and he'll have the best defense money can buy. I won't waste the state's time and money on an unwinnable case."

Olivia hugged Alex tightly. "You know you don't always have to be so strong," she said quietly.

Alex sighed. She knew that if she fell apart and cried right now, Olivia would comfort her and hold her and not think any worse of her for it. But she just couldn't. She _did _have to be strong, for herself if not for Olivia. Her heart ached for the pain she'd caused the woman she loved.

She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and Olivia rubbed soothing circles into her back, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, that it was okay and Olivia loved her and would protect her and take care of her always, no matter what. Alex forced herself not to cry, though she wanted more than anything to break down in Olivia's arms. She had to be strong.

After a few moments, Alex pulled out of Olivia's arms and got to her feet. "I noticed this morning that our fridge is partial biohazard," she said, mustering a smile. "I threw out almost everything, so now it's empty. You ready to go do some grocery shopping?"

Olivia made a face, recognizing Alex's attempts to change the subject. "No, _Alex_. It's my day off."

"All the more reason for me to appreciate your company."

Olivia rolled her eyes and patted her lap. When Alex remained standing, she grabbed Alex's arm and tried to pull her down, but Alex pushed her away.

"Sorry, Liv. We're out of bananas. This is a major problem."

"Why can't we just order a pizza?" Olivia whined.

"We just ate _breakfast_. And we need bananas."

"Why don't we do that online grocery shopping thing?"

Alex chuckled. "_Lazy_. Those bananas will be a week old and last us about a day."

"I've seen the way you eat bananas. They'll probably only last us about a day anyway."

Alex grabbed Olivia's hands and pulled her to her feet. "Sorry, Liv, but I'm out of here in thirty seconds. Are you going to join me or not?"

Olivia groaned. "Fine, fine. Let me get my shoes."

* * *

><p>Alex put on a brave face for the rest of the day, but at night, her fears resurfaced. She woke up at three in the morning, shaking with the remnants of a nightmare.<p>

Her quiet whimpers woke Olivia, and the detective immediately pulled Alex into her arms. "Baby, what's wrong?" she whispered, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and rubbing gentle circles into her back. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Alex nodded. She couldn't speak. She was afraid she'd begin to cry if she did.

Olivia sighed and hugged her tighter. "Oh, baby. It's okay. No one's going to hurt you. I'm here." She gave Alex another kiss. "It's all right. It was just a dream. You're safe."

"I'm sorry," Alex murmured, burying her face in Olivia's chest. "I haven't had a nightmare like this since the . . . hostage situation."

"About being shot?"

Alex nodded and tightened her grip on Olivia.

Olivia tenderly stroked Alex's hair. "I'm here, princess. He won't hurt you ever again. I promise I will keep you safe."

"I know you will. I'm sorry."

Olivia raised Alex's chin so she was looking right into those beautiful eyes. "Alex, you have nothing to be sorry for. I love you more than anything and I'm here for you no matter what." Alex sniffled, and Olivia felt her heart clench. "What can I do, baby?"

"Just – just hold me," Alex said in a small voice. "Please?"

"Of course."

Olivia held Alex close. Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, and they fell asleep like that a few moments later.

* * *

><p>The next day at work, Olivia received a visit from Robert. "Detective," he said in his superficially charming manner, "it's nice to see you again."<p>

"What are you doing here?" Olivia snapped.

"I thought we'd ended things on a bad note, so I decided to stop by and have a talk, man to man."

Olivia crossed her arms over her chest. "I have no interest in discussing anything with you, Robert."

"Now that you have my Alexandra –"

"She is not _your _anything. She's her own person, Robert. You have no claim to her."

"You took her from me."

"She chose to _leave _you because you treated her like garbage."

"And you don't?"

"No, I don't, Robert. I love her."

"What can you give her that I can't? You're a civil servant. I know all about you, and your father –"

Olivia saw red. She wanted to hit him, was afraid she actually would. He was pressing all of her buttons, and all of her own fears were resurfacing. From the very beginning, she'd felt that she wasn't good enough for Alex. Alex was truly a princess, and Olivia felt like a lowly pauper. She knew that she carried evil genes inside her, and for the first few years of their relationship, Olivia had constantly feared that she would unleash the violence she was sure was inside her on Alex. She was afraid to touch Alex at the beginning, even though she longed to, because she was scared that her touches would be unwanted.

Alex had shown her otherwise. Alex had shown her love from the very start, although Olivia could never quite figure out what her girlfriend saw in her. She never took Alex's love for granted, unlike Robert clearly did.

"You have no business coming in here and speaking to me like this, Robert. I suggest you leave immediately before I _make _you leave."

Robert quirked an eyebrow. "Is that a threat, Detective?"

"Yes. Yes, it is. You have thirty seconds."

Robert glared at her for another moment before turning on his heel and stalking away.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

When Olivia got home from work, Alex was waiting for her with a fresh pot of cream of cauliflower soup and a strawberry salad on the table. "Get changed," she called. "I made you dinner, but if you track dirt through my nice, clean house, you're going to bed hungry."

"Yes, boss." Olivia obediently removed her boots and went into the bedroom to change out of her work clothes.

She came into the kitchen a few moments later and pulled Alex into a bear hug. Alex yelped, amazed at how quietly Olivia crept around, and how she could approach her without her knowing. She lightly smacked Olivia's arm. "Don't _do _that, Liv."

Olivia chuckled and kissed Alex's hair. "Love you, baby," she said sweetly. "How was your day?"

Alex wrinkled her nose in what Olivia felt was the cutest manner. "I went shopping."

"Again?"

"Don't worry. I got home, took it all out of the bags, decided there was no more room in my closet, and returned it. Retail therapy has double the benefit that way, you know."

Olivia laughed. "Thank you for not using up this week's salary on yet _another _pair of Manolo Blahniks."

"Don't be presumptuous, Liv." Alex winked. "I might decide to do that tomorrow."

"In that case, I'll be working too much overtime to satisfy your . . . other . . . needs."

Alex bit her lip and widened her eyes in mock innocence. "I think I'd rather you satisfy those . . . other . . . needs. Preferably tonight. Preferably . . ." Alex put her hands on Olivia's hips and began to nibble on her pulse point. "Preferably . . . right . . . now."

Olivia pushed her away, smirking. "That's enough, you. This lovely dinner you've made for me is getting cold."

Alex pouted in that adorable way she had. "It can be reheated."

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "So can you, sweetheart." Alex glared at her, which made Olivia chuckle. "Come on, baby. Let's eat."

"I'd rather be eating something else right now." Alex raised a suggestive eyebrow.

Olivia grinned as Alex's hands strayed to her waist again. "You are incorrigible."

"No, just horny." Olivia laughed aloud at that, and Alex smiled slightly. "I missed you," she said, quietly, sincerely.

"I missed you, too, princess." Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "How about we bring this into the living room and I'll hold you while we eat?"

"Okay," Alex said after a moment. If she couldn't take Olivia's clothes off and ravish her right now, being close to her girlfriend was better than nothing at all. She had missed Olivia today. She had been lonely, and she did want Olivia to hold her.

She felt her arousal start to diminish as they sat down on the couch and Olivia pulled her into her lap. She stroked Alex's hair with her free hand, and Alex fed Olivia bites of salad off her fork.

"Mm, this is good, Alex. I think you should stay home and cook for me more often."

Alex smiled. "No, thank you. I like my Manolo Blahniks."

"More than me?"

"Yes."

"I thought you wanted me to . . . satisfy your desires . . . tonight." Olivia let her words hang for a moment. "Are you sure you don't want to revise your answer?"

"I can always take care of things myself," Alex said, quirking an eyebrow.

"Are you _sure _that's what you want?"

Alex snuggled into Olivia. "No . . ."

Olivia's hands slipped beneath Alex's t-shirt and caressed the soft, smooth skin of her stomach, loving the light moan Alex couldn't hold back at her touch. "Ready to take this to the bedroom?"

Alex squirmed slightly on Olivia's lap. "I thought you wanted to finish dinner first."

Olivia licked her lips. "I'd much rather finish _you _for dinner."

Alex was more than okay with that idea.

* * *

><p>The two of them lay in bed a couple hours later, holding each other and basking in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Alex's head was resting on Olivia's shoulder and her free hand was absently fingering her necklace. It had comforted her throughout the day, in her moments of fear and loneliness, when she had been worried about Robert and wishing Olivia was home with her.<p>

Olivia noticed Alex rubbing the pendant and smiled, pressing a kiss to Alex's cheek. She was cradling Alex delicately in her arms, holding her as if she was a precious china doll that might break if she wasn't handled with care. It usually took Alex awhile to come down from the extreme highs she experienced when they made love, and Olivia was more than happy to take care of her while she did.

Olivia laid a trail of kisses on Alex's collarbone as the blonde's breathing slowly returned to normal. "I love you," she said, and Alex beamed. She loved how Olivia always made her feel after they made love, so cherished and beautiful and _happy_.

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and gave her a tender smile.

"You okay?"

"More than okay," Alex said softly, leaning forward to kiss Olivia's lips, hoping to convey the love and affection she felt toward her amazing girlfriend. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. That wasn't pure altruism, baby. I quite enjoyed it, too, as you see." They both laughed a little. "But I was happy to do that for you."

Alex burrowed closer to Olivia. "How was your day at work?" she asked, somewhat belatedly.

Olivia planted a kiss on the crown of Alex's head. "It was okay."

Alex shifted to look into Olivia's eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

Olivia sighed. "Let's not talk about it right now, princess. I don't want to ruin our evening."

"_Olivia_."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Robert came to see me."

Alex stiffened in Olivia's arms. "What happened?"

"Nothing you need to be concerned about."

"_Olivia_."

Olivia hesitated. "He just wanted to tell me I wasn't good enough for you."

"Sweetheart, you know that's not true."

Olivia shrugged and didn't say anything.

Alex hugged her tightly. "Oh, Liv. Robert's just trying to get under your skin. Don't listen to him."

"He is kind of right –"

"_No_, sweetie, he isn't. Not at all. You are the kindest, smartest, sweetest, most caring, most beautiful, more amazing woman I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have you. Don't ever think otherwise, Liv."

Olivia smiled weakly. "But he was right about my father –"

"Your _father_? What did he say to you, Olivia?"

"Not much. I didn't really give him a chance to –"

"_Olivia_."

Olivia sighed. "Alex, he's right. I do have violence in my blood. My father's a rapist and my mother's a drunk. I could hurt you –"

"Olivia, you have _never _hurt me. _Never_. Not once. I know you. I know you would never hurt me."

A tear slid down Olivia's cheek. "I couldn't protect you," she whispered.

Alex took Olivia's hand and squeezed it. "But you're here now. That's what counts."

"You've been through so much – I should have kept you safe, Alex."

"Sweetheart, you did your best. What happened to me wasn't your fault. And with Robert –" Alex sighed. "I'm sorry, Liv. We'll get a restraining order so he can't go near you either. I won't have him harassing you."

Olivia rested her head against Alex's and stroked her girlfriend's cheek. "I love you, princess."

Alex held Olivia close. "Love you, too, sweetheart."

* * *

><p>The next day, Alex went to see Robert. She knew she shouldn't. She knew she should have at least told Olivia what she was doing. But she didn't. She had to do this alone. She had to protect Olivia.<p>

She arrived at his office during his lunch break and told his secretary that she was here to see Robert. She made a quick call and then turned to Alex. "Mr. Shelton will see you now."

Alex nodded her thanks and knocked on Robert's office door. She went in and stood in front of his desk, drawing herself up to her full height and trying to look as imposing as possible. "Robert, I want you to stay away from my girlfriend."

Robert looked up at her. "Ah, Alexandra. How lovely to see you."

"I wish I could say the same."

Robert smiled at her. "So have you come to your senses?"

Alex straightened her spine. "Yes, Robert, I have. Olivia is in court right now filing for a restraining order against you. The way you treated her yesterday was unacceptable."

"I was just being honest. It's a trait you've always prized."

Alex was seething. "How do you know what I've always prized?"

"You seem to be forgetting, Alexandra, I lived with you for nearly a year." He reached out to cup Alex's cheek, but she knocked his hand away.

"Don't touch me, Robert."

"Alexandra, you deserve better than that cop."

"Olivia's the best there is, Robert. If you're too blind to see that, then you're the one with the problem."

"Alexandra –"

"No, Robert. We're done here." She turned and started to leave, but Robert's firm grip on her wrist stopped her. "Robert, get your hands off me," she said sharply.

"Sweetheart –"

"I am _not _your sweetheart." She pushed his hand away and was surprised when he clutched her arm again. "_Robert_." His grasp was tight, and he was hurting her. She pushed him, hard, and he stumbled backward, his face contorting.

"You _bitch _–"

"Robert, I am leaving and I will not be coming back. You are not to come near me or Olivia again. That includes sending letters, flowers, chocolates, or notes, telephone calls, or any other form of communication. If you do, I will not hesitate to call the police and have you arrested." With that, Alex turned on her heel and stalked out of his office.

Alex forced herself not to cry out of pure desperation as she left. She realized now that there was nothing she could do. If Robert wanted to hurt her and Olivia, he would hurt her and Olivia, and she wouldn't be able to prevent it.

She absently rubbed her arm where Robert had grabbed her, and her eyes widened when she noticed the finger-shaped bruises. Olivia was going to have a fit.

* * *

><p>Alex was lying on the couch and reading a book when Olivia got home from work, her glasses perched on her nose. The sight of her girlfriend warmed Olivia's heart and she sat down beside Alex, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend and kissing her cheek. "Hey, baby."<p>

Alex smiled at her. "How was your day?"

Olivia sighed. "Better now." She hugged Alex tightly, smirking at her girlfriend's choice of attire. Alex was wearing her NYPD sweatshirt and a pair of worn jeans. She looked absolutely adorable.

Alex snuggled up against Olivia's side. "What are we doing for dinner, boss?"

Olivia chuckled. "_Boss_?"

"For tonight. I'm tired of making decisions today."

Olivia examined Alex carefully. "What happened today, Alex?"

Alex almost said it wasn't Olivia's concern, but she swallowed her words when she remembered how Olivia had made her feel last night when she'd said the same thing. "I went to see Robert," she said quietly. "I told him to stay away from us."

"And how did he react?"

"He didn't. I left before he could." She tactfully left out the part about Robert grabbing her arm.

Olivia sighed, but didn't press the issue, since Alex clearly didn't want to discuss it any further. She wanted to lecture Alex, to admonish her, to protest that he could have hurt her, badly, and didn't she have any regard for her own safety? Didn't she know that it would kill Olivia to lose her again? But she didn't say any of those things.

"So, dinner? Want to order takeout?"

"Sure. Chinese?"

"I was thinking Italian."

"Pasta?"

"Yup. Fettuccine alfredo for you, right?"

Alex smiled at how well Olivia knew her. "Right." She cuddled into Olivia and laid her head on her girlfriend's chest as Olivia placed the order.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "I was thinking this weekend, since I have the day off, we might go out together. Maybe Central Park? We could go to Sarabeth's for breakfast and then just walk around."

"Sounds good to me."

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "I love you, princess."

Alex smiled up at her girlfriend. "I love you, too, sweetheart."

As she leaned forward to kiss her girlfriend, her sleeve slipped up to reveal the bruises on her arm.

Olivia gasped. "Alex, what happened?"

Alex pulled down her shirt and refused to meet Olivia's eyes. "Robert," she murmured.

Olivia took Alex's arm and lifted the sleeve again, sucking in her breath at the bruises. "Baby, that's _assault_."

"He just grabbed me, Olivia. I won't go near him again."

"Sweetheart –"

Alex flinched and rolled her sleeve down again. "I'm fine, Liv."

Olivia sighed and dropped the subject. She couldn't let Robert hurt Alex again. She wouldn't. She would do whatever it took to protect her Alex.

As she had failed to do before.

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Olivia told Alex exactly where she was going, knowing that Alex would worry about her if she didn't.

"Liv, I don't think that's a good idea," Alex said.

"Alex, I have to. I can't let him hurt you again. He _assaulted _you. He needs to be punished."

"Not by you."

"I'm going to arrest him, Alex. Nothing more."

Alex held Olivia's gaze, trying to gauge her intentions. "Fine," she said after a moment. "But be careful. And call me if you need me. I'll keep my phone on."

"Alex, I'll be fine. I'll put him in jail, let him stew overnight again, see if that changes his attitude at all."

"Liv, I just don't want him to hurt you."

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear and pulled her girlfriend onto her lap, holding her close. She needed the courage that having Alex in her arms always provided her with. "I promise, Alex, he won't hurt me. And he will never hurt you ever again." She gently stroked Alex's hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of her girlfriend's head. "I love you so much, princess."

Alex sighed, relaxing under Olivia's gentle caresses. "Please don't do anything stupid," she said, resigned.

* * *

><p>Robert was talking on the phone when Olivia arrived at his office, but he smirked when he saw her and said into the phone that he'd call the person back. He hung up the phone and got to his feet, holding out his hand for Olivia to shake. "Ah, Detective Benson. How lovely to see you again."<p>

Olivia gave him a tight smile. "I wish I could say the same."

"Come to discuss my Alexandra with me again? Maybe ask me for some tips –"

Olivia gritted her teeth. "Actually, I'm here to arrest you."

"To arrest me?" Robert chuckled. "For what?"

"For assault."

"Again? Don't you have anything better to do, Detective?"

"Evidently not." She grabbed his wrists and snapped cuffs on him. "Robert Shelton, you are under arrest for the assault of Alexandra Cabot. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights?"

Robert laughed in her face. "Did my girl put you up to this?"

Olivia forced down her anger. "Alex is _not _your girl."

"I could have sworn she said otherwise when I fucked her –"

"Shut up," Olivia said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Detective. Do you feel threatened by me? Is that it? Is that why you want to get rid of me so badly? You're afraid Alexandra's going to leave you, that she misses having something big between her legs, that she misses having _me _inside her –"

Olivia couldn't take it anymore. She smacked him across the face as hard as she could. "You keep your fucking mouth _shut_."

To her surprise, Robert laughed again. "She's not giving you any, is she? I knew my Alexandra wasn't some dyke whore. She always spread her legs for me –"

Olivia saw red. She hit Robert again, and when that didn't elicit much of a reaction, she punched him over and over until he was doubled over in pain.

* * *

><p>When Alex got out of the shower before lunchtime, she noticed that she had six missed calls on her cell phone. Five were from a number she didn't recognize and the sixth was from Captain Cragen. She called him back, and he answered on the second ring.<p>

"Alex, Olivia's been arrested. She told me to call you and have you come to the courthouse right now. She's in a cell. She's being arraigned this afternoon."

"For what?" Alex felt faint. This was too much for her to take in all at once. What had Olivia done?

"Assault on Robert Shelton. Your ex-fiancé."

* * *

><p>Alex must have broken twenty traffic laws on her way to the courthouse. She knew she'd run a red light, but she had to get to Olivia. She had to protect her girlfriend.<p>

_This was all her fault_.

She ran to the basement of the courthouse as soon as she arrived, not caring that she was a mess, that her hair was unkempt and she was just wearing ratty jeans and a t-shirt. Her colleagues wouldn't even recognize her like this.

She flashed her ADA's badge and was led to the cell where Olivia was stewing. She was pacing the small holding cell and seething with anger.

"What the hell did you do, Olivia?"

Olivia's head snapped up when she heard Alex's voice. "Alex, I can explain –"

"Olivia, you said you were going to arrest _him_. How did you end up getting yourself arrested instead? I told you to be careful, dammit. Do you have no respect –?"

"Alex, listen to me. He was insulting you –"

"Olivia, you _assaulted _him. There is never an excuse for that kind of violence."

"Oh, that's rich. Why didn't you tell him that when he grabbed you, huh?"

"Olivia –"

"Alex, I was angry. I'm not excusing it, but he – he called you a whore, he said horrible, horrible things – I just lost it. I couldn't listen to him talk about you like that. I'm sorry."

Alex sighed and turned to the court marshal behind her. "Can you open the gate?"

He did so, and Alex walked into the cell and sat down beside Olivia, taking her girlfriend into her arms.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I was just so worried . . ."

Olivia hugged her back. "I know, princess. I'm sorry."

Alex realized the court marshal was watching her, and she let go of Olivia, taking a moment to compose herself. "I'll go talk to Liz. We'll get you out of here, but you've got to give me your word that you won't go near Robert again."

"Alex, I was just trying to protect you."

"I know, and I appreciate it. But according to the captain, you really did a number on him, and that doesn't help anyone, especially not me."

* * *

><p>Three hours later, Olivia was on her way home with Alex. Alex had pulled some strings and gotten the charges against Olivia dropped, but the detective was on a week's suspension for her actions. Alex was ignoring her on the car ride home; she was still angry that Olivia had put herself in danger again, and she wasn't ready to forgive her yet.<p>

"Alex, I'm sorry," Olivia said as they waited for the elevator up to their apartment. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Never do such a stupid thing ever again. I just used up all the favors I have for the next ten years to get you out of there."

"I love you," Olivia said sweetly.

Alex smacked her arm. "Olivia, I'm angry at you."

"So I'm told."

"Liv, I'm serious. He could have hurt you."

"Alex, whether you believe it or not, I can protect myself. And you, if you'll let me."

"I – I –" To her horror, Alex felt tears rushing to her eyes. She furiously blinked them back. "You better not leave your gun unattended tonight," she said instead. "I just might shoot you."

* * *

><p>Olivia found herself relegated to sleeping on the couch that night. When they got home, Alex had locked herself in their bedroom, and no amount of cajoling would get her to come out. Olivia could hear her crying softly, and her heart went out to her poor Alex. She hadn't realized how afraid Alex must have been, how much her actions had hurt her. She wanted to go in there and comfort Alex, to hold her and promise her that she would never do such a foolish thing ever again, to tell her over and over that she loved her. But Alex wouldn't let her, and Olivia knew she deserved it. She cursed herself again for making Alex cry.<p>

Before she went to bed, she tried unsuccessfully to get Alex to open the door again. She'd made Alex dinner and left it as a peace offering outside the door, but Alex hadn't taken it. So Olivia had found herself a blanket and curled up on the couch, trying to get comfortable. She couldn't sleep without her Alex in her arms.

* * *

><p>Olivia was jolted out of sleep in the middle of the night when she felt a figure slip into her arms. <em>Alex<em>. She relaxed immediately, hugging Alex to her and holding her close, tucking the blanket around her girlfriend.

She could feel Alex's slight frame trembling in her arms, but she didn't dare make a sound, even to offer words of comfort, lest Alex get up and retreat to their bedroom. Now that Alex was in her arms, she didn't want to do anything that might send her scurrying away.

Alex laid her head on Olivia's shoulder and moved closer to her girlfriend. "Liv," she whispered.

"Yeah, baby?" Olivia held her breath, not wanting to drive her girlfriend away by saying the wrong thing.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was just worried – but that's no excuse for the way I treated you. I'm sorry."

Olivia pressed a kiss to Alex's temple. "No, sweetheart. I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have lost my temper. You had every right to be mad."

"No, Liv. I didn't. I never wanted to – I'm just sorry. Will you forgive me?"

_There's nothing to forgive_, Olivia wanted to say, but she didn't. "Of course I forgive you, princess. We'll put it behind us, all right?"

Alex sighed. "You're too good to me, you know that?"

"I could never be too good to you. You deserve everything I could possibly give, Alex."

Alex tucked her head into the crook of Olivia's neck. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too, always. You know I'd do anything for you, princess."

"I know."

"Alex, I need you to know – I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant for that to happen."

Alex sighed again. "Let's just go to sleep, all right?"

"Can we go to bed?"

Alex looked at the ground. "I'm sorry," she said again.

"It's fine. Come on." Olivia got up and held her hand out to her girlfriend. She led her to their bedroom and lay down in bed beside Alex, taking the attorney into her arms and cradling her tenderly. "'Night, princess."

Alex's voice was tight and Olivia could swear there were tears in her girlfriend's voice as Alex said, "Goodnight, Olivia."

* * *

><p>In the morning, they didn't speak of Robert or of what had happened the night before. Olivia woke up early and made Alex strawberry waffles for breakfast, and brought them to her in bed. Alex's smile was watery as she accepted the food, and Olivia pretended not to notice. She held Alex in her arms as her girlfriend ate, and tried to ignore the barely audible sniffles her girlfriend let out every few moments. She hadn't realized her actions had upset Alex so much, and her heart broke for her Alex. She knew there must be more to it than just Robert, but she didn't want to push. Alex would tell her when she was ready to talk and not a moment before.<p>

"Thank you, Olivia," Alex said quietly when she'd finished the waffles. She started to get up to put her plate away, but Olivia raised her hand to stop her.

"It's okay. I'll do it." She went into the kitchen to put Alex's plate in the dishwasher and returned a moment later, perching on the edge of the bed beside Alex and rubbing gentle circles into Alex's back. "You okay? You want to talk?"

Alex leaned into the touch and shook her head. God, she loved Olivia so much, which made her feel even guiltier about the way she'd treated her girlfriend yesterday. It had been unacceptable.

As if Olivia knew what she was thinking, she wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her onto her lap. Alex surrendered herself to Olivia, snuggling against her girlfriend and finally relaxing. She loved these moments, when all that existed was her and Olivia. There was no one she needed to be except Alex, Olivia's girlfriend. She didn't need to worry about maintaining her aloof façade, being the affluent, pretentious daughter of wealthy, blue blooded parents, being the strong, ruthless ADA who could reduce child molesters and rapists and murderers to blobs of jelly, groveling at her feet. She didn't have to worry about anything when she was in Olivia's arms. She could just be herself, and she knew that was enough for Olivia. Olivia never wanted her to be anyone else, and she loved having a safe place here in her girlfriend's arms.

**Review for part fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning, Olivia awoke to find Alex yelling into her cell phone. "No, it is absolutely _not _okay! If you cannot guarantee that, I'll begin searching for alternate employment . . . no, Arthur, I don't, but you haven't left me much choice here . . . I know that's what Jim wants and I don't give a . . . Arthur, you have three days to get back to me. You know my number."

Alex sighed and she closed her phone, but smiled when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her from behind.

"I'm sorry, Liv. Did I wake you?"

"It's fine," Olivia said. "What was that all about?"

Alex sighed again. "Arthur. Dammit, don't I have enough on my plate right now?"

Olivia kissed the base of her neck and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "I'm sure he'll come to his senses and realize you're the best lawyer he's got and he'd be a fool to let you go."

"I hope so."

"I'm positive he will." Olivia started to massage Alex's shoulders. "Try not to worry about it, all right?"

Alex nodded ruefully. "I'll try." She hesitated. "I'm sorry I woke you. I was going to make breakfast –"

"It's okay, baby. We can make it together. Do you want eggs?"

"Whatever you like. I'm not really hungry."

"Okay. Why don't I just have a banana and we'll make brunch when you're ready?"

"Liv, don't you dare touch my bananas!"

Olivia chuckled. "Oh, relax. Your nanny never taught you to share when you were little, and now I'm paying the price!"

"The bananas are _mine_."

"I bought them!"

"We bought them _together_."

"But I paid for that particular item."

"Oh, please." She kissed Alex's cheek. "Fine, I won't touch you precious bananas. I'll have an apple instead. Or are those yours, too?"

"No, you can have a couple of those. Just a couple, though. I was going to use them in a salad tomorrow."

"Who made you guardian of all the food in this house?"

"We were going to do it democratically, but the vote was deadlocked, so I appointed myself."

Olivia laughed. "Of course you did."

Alex smirked. "No food for you, then."

Olivia smiled and sat down, pulling Alex onto her lap and lifting her shirt. She tickled Alex's ribs until her girlfriend was giggling and squirming. "Do you surrender?"

"Yes, yes! You can eat!" Alex said, pushing Olivia's hands away through her laughter. "You can be the food guardian!"

Olivia chuckled. "I knew you'd come around eventually."

* * *

><p>A few hours later, they were curled up on the sofa and watching a movie when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Alex said, pushing Olivia's feet off her lap. She went to the door and was surprised to find a court officer.<p>

"This is for Olivia Benson," he said.

"Thank you," Alex said. She was about to ask something else, but he was gone before she could.

She wandered back into the living room. Olivia patted her lap and Alex sat down, handing Olivia the piece of paper.

"For you."

Olivia opened it and gasped as her brain registered the words. "Alex, Robert filed a civil suit for assault! I'm wanted in court next week to deal with this."

Alex closed her eyes. She knew it wasn't going to be that easy. "Don't worry about it," she said, echoing Olivia's previous words. "I'll take care of it."

"Alex –"

"I'll take care of it." This was her fault, and she would fix it. She had to.

* * *

><p>Alex arrived at Robert's apartment several hours later. She'd told Olivia she wanted to talk a walk, just to clear her head, but she'd gone to see Robert instead. She felt bad about lying to Olivia, but she knew Olivia would tell her to stay away from Robert. She couldn't. She needed to fix this.<p>

She was trembling as she heard Robert's footsteps approaching, but she tried to remain composed. She had a job to do, and that was all. But Robert wasn't going to back down, and she was afraid.

The door opened and Robert's face broke into a smirk when he saw her. "Ah, Alexandra. Have you seen the error of your ways?"

Alex swallowed hard. "May I come in?"

"Of course, darling. This is your home, too."

_No, it isn't, _Alex didn't say. She didn't want to antagonize Robert before she accomplished what she came here to do.

He led her to the living room and brought her a glass of wine. "So what did you come here to discuss, Alexandra? I get the distinct impression that this isn't just a social call."

Alex bit her lip. "Robert, you've got to drop the suit against Olivia. Your problem isn't with her; it's with me. You know that."

"I can't do that, Alexandra. She assaulted me. And she stole you from me."

"Robert, I need you to leave her alone."

Robert fixed his gaze on her. "That's what you need?"

"Yes."

"What else do you need?"

"For you to stop harassing us."

"Oh, Alexandra. I'm not harassing you. I love you. And I know what else you need, what you're too shy to tell me . . . you were always shy about these things."

Alex tried to keep her hands from shaking. "Robert, I love Olivia. It's over between us."

He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "What would you do to have me stay away from Detective Benson?"

Alex's heart began to pound. "Robert –"

"Would you let me show you what I know you need? What I know you want? What I know you're asking for? Oh, darling, I see it in your eyes. I know you, Alexandra."

Alex forced herself to keep her voice steady. "And you would drop the suit against Olivia and leave her alone, if I let you show me?"

"It's not as simple as that, unfortunately. She still thinks you belong to her. I have to show her otherwise."

"And what if I show you otherwise? Show you I'm still yours?"

"And how do you propose to do that?"

Alex looked away. "You know what I'm talking about, Robert."

He nodded slowly. "Wednesdays. 5:00. Before your detective gets home from work. Starting right now."

Alex felt ill, but she knew she had to do this. For Olivia. "And you won't go near Olivia again?"

"Never. Why would I need to, if I had you?"

Alex felt the world start to spin, but she nodded.

Robert's grin widened and he moved to sit beside Alex, running his fingers through her hair. She wanted to throw up, but forced down the bile in her throat at his touch.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

Alex forced herself to nod. _Olivia_, she told herself. _This is for Olivia. I have to protect Olivia_.

He smiled and leaned forward, pressing his lips to Alex's. She forced herself to respond. The skin above his lips was scratchy, unlike Olivia's soft lips.

She forced herself to stay still and keep her body limp as Robert undressed her and began to knead her breasts with his rough hands. "Mm, I missed this, Alexandra," he said, and Alex forced herself not to flinch away.

Robert pinched her nipples and leaned down to nibble on her neck. Alex clenched her fists in an attempt to fight her instincts. She wanted so badly to push him away, and couldn't quite rid her mind of the thought that she was cheating on Olivia by doing this.

No. This was for Olivia. Alex had to keep her safe. Robert would hurt Olivia, just as he had hurt her. Just as he was hurting her now.

Robert unbuckled his pants to reveal his erection. "I'm sure you've missed having me in your mouth," he said with a smirk. "I think I'll let you have a taste."

Alex forced herself to take him into her mouth, again fighting her instinct to gag at the intrusion. Tears rushed to her eyes as she fully recognized the gravity of what she was doing.

He moaned as she pleasured him, and he pulled back after a moment. "Spread your legs for me, darling," he said, and she obeyed, closing her eyes so he wouldn't see that she was crying.

She felt him enter her with two fingers at first, and then three. It hurt, so unlike what she was used to. Olivia was always gentle with her when they did this, making sure to touch all the right spots and give Alex as much pleasure as she possibly could, being careful not to use too many fingers or thrust too harshly.

He removed his fingers after several moments of painful thrusting, and then she felt him inside her. His thrusts hurt once again, but Alex knew it was almost over.

When he felt him release inside her, she started to cry even harder, silent tears making their way down her cheeks even as she tried to blink them back. She hated Robert, but even more, she hated herself. She'd never felt so dirty in her life.

Robert pulled away from her and she could hear him pulling his pants back up and re-buckling his belt. He leaned down to kiss Alex again. "See, I knew you'd missed having something big in your pussy," he said with a self-satisfied smile. "You can go back to your dyke detective now. I'll see you on Wednesday. Be here, or I promise you I will make her life hell."

Alex nodded mutely. It was all she could do.

She dressed herself as if in a daze and stumbled out the door. She knew her hair was disheveled and she smelled like sex, and she knew she couldn't go home to Olivia now. Not yet. She had to get him off her first.

She raised her hand to hail a cab, and she gave the cab driver the address to a grungy motel she never would have been caught dead in before today. She only knew of the motel because it was integral to a recent drug case she'd taken on.

Her life was such a mess, and she didn't know how to fix it.

As soon as she got to her room, she got in the shower and scrubbed her body as hard as she could. But no matter what she did, she could still feel Robert on her. The dirtiness still enveloped her, threatening to overwhelm her. It was inside her, and she didn't know if she'd ever be able to get it out.

She'd needed to protect Olivia, and she would do it, whatever the cost. As she knew Olivia would do for her.

* * *

><p>She got home an hour later to find Olivia pacing the front hallway. "Alex, where the hell were you? I was worried – you said you were just going for a walk! I tried to call you, but you didn't answer your phone – oh, baby, I was so worried!" She tried to hug Alex, but the attorney pushed her away. She was too dirty to be in Olivia's arms now.<p>

"I dealt with it," was all she said, before she retreated to the bathroom and vomited the contents of her stomach.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

Alex locked herself in the bathroom so she could be alone with her pain, and ignored Olivia's attempts to coax her out. Finally, Olivia gave up. She didn't know what had happened that had upset Alex so much, but she resigned herself to the fact that Alex wasn't going to tell her.

She knocked on the bathroom door a few hours later. "Alex, I made you some soup if you want it. I know your stomach's upset. The soup will help."

Alex emerged from the bathroom after a few minutes. Her hair was damp and there was foundation caked on beneath her eyes, clearly attempting to disguise the fact that she'd been crying.

Olivia knew better than to ask her what was wrong. Instead, she set a bowl of soup and two pieces of toast down in front of Alex. "Eat, baby," she said when Alex made no move to touch her food. "You'll feel better." She handed Alex a glass of ginger ale. "It'll settle your stomach."

Alex took a small sip of ginger ale. "Thank you," she said quietly, but didn't meet Olivia's eyes, and flinched when Olivia sat down beside her and started to rub her back.

Olivia knitted her brows in concern, but bit her lip to stop herself from probing. As much as she wanted Alex to let her in, she knew Alex was a private person by nature and unaccustomed to sharing her anxieties. It would come in time, she hoped.

* * *

><p>As they lay in bed that night, Olivia tried to hold Alex, but his girlfriend pulled away from her. Alex promised herself that tomorrow, things would be different. She wasn't going to let Robert run her life. If she let him destroy her relationship with Olivia, then all that she was doing would be in vain.<p>

But tonight, she just couldn't let Olivia touch her. Her heart was heavy with shame.

* * *

><p>In the morning, Alex followed through on her resolution. She was going to put Robert out of her mind, do what she had to do when she had to it, protect Olivia, and not let him control her.<p>

She woke Olivia by placing a series of kisses on the detective's collarbone. When Olivia moaned and rolled over, Alex pushed herself up on her knees and trailed her fingers up and down her girlfriend's sides. When Olivia opened her eyes and gave Alex a lazy smile, Alex leaned down to meld her lips with Olivia's. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's neck and pulled her to her. Alex forced herself not to cringe. She wanted to do this for Olivia. She needed to do this for Olivia.

When Alex pulled back, Olivia beamed at her. "'Morning, princess," she said, threading her fingers through Alex's hair.

Alex smiled back at her and leaned down to lay kisses on Olivia's taut stomach.

"What did I do to deserve this?" Olivia asked with her signature lopsided grin.

Alex didn't answer, running her hands up and down Olivia's sides again. "Love you," she said.

"Love you, too, baby."

Alex made love to Olivia, forcing herself not to think of Robert as she pleasured her girlfriend. When Olivia's breathing had calmed and she flipped Alex over, ready to return the favour, Alex shook her head and pushed Olivia away. "That was just for you, sweetheart."

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "Why, thank you, darling."

Alex flinched involuntarily at the nickname. Olivia never called her _darling_; it was always _baby _or _sweetheart _or _princess_.

If Olivia noticed, she pretended not to. "Ready to get some breakfast?" she said. "I'll make you a parfait."

Alex nodded and got out of bed, holding a hand out to Olivia and leading her to the kitchen. "I'll help you."

* * *

><p>The call came after lunch, when Alex and Olivia were curled up on the couch together. Alex was reading a book and Olivia was massaging her feet. "Cabot," Alex said, and listened for a moment. "Okay. I'll be in on Monday . . . no, I'm not. Goodbye, Arthur." She hung up the phone and turned to Olivia with an expression of grim satisfaction on her face. "I've got my job back. Arthur had the balls to ask if I was going to <em>thank <em>him."

Olivia chuckled. "He should be thanking _you _for agreeing."

Alex sat back down and lay her feet on Olivia's lap, wiggling her toes so Olivia would go back to rubbing her feet. "I quite agree. Anyway, I go back on Monday."

"I think we should do something to celebrate."

"Like what?"

Olivia raised a suggestive eyebrow.

Alex laughed. "Get your mind out of the gutter, sweetheart. I was thinking a nice dinner."

Olivia pouted. "We can do that, too."

"No, Olivia."

"But I wanted to touch you." Olivia gave Alex her best puppy dog eyes. "And do for you what you did for me this morning."

"No," Alex said, enjoying the opportunity to exercise her right of refusal right now. This, at least, she could control. Olivia respected her body, and would never force her.

But neither had Robert. She'd forced herself.

* * *

><p>On Monday, Alex returned to work. Most of her ADA's were happy to see her, but Jim's welcome was lukewarm. He'd enjoyed running the bureau and clearly wasn't very glad that Alex was back.<p>

Jim had left their current case files on her desk, and she needed to call him several times to clarify something. After dealing with his bad attitude for most of the morning, Alex called him into her office. "Jim, if you can't be civil, you will no longer be employed here," she told him.

"Unfortunately, Alexandra, you are not responsible for those decisions."

"Jim, what is _wrong _with you?"

He sighed. "I miss you," he said after a moment.

"I'm sorry, Jim, but I'm with Olivia now."

"I know. I've been thinking – I'm sorry for what I did to you."

Alex felt her blood run cold. "What did you do to me?"

"Talking to that reporter – he hasn't published the story yet; I hope he isn't going to."

"_What_?"

"He came by on Friday, wanted a story, with you coming back to work and all."

"And what did you tell him?"

Jim looked away. "That I fucked you."

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to taper down the litany of _oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit_, repeating in her head. "Jim," she said, forcing herself to keep her voice steady, "why would you do something like that?"

"I was angry at you. I'm sorry. I guess I just wish you'd chosen me."

"Jim, this isn't personal. I'm gay."

"And you didn't know that when you fucked me?"

Alex fought to control her anger. "Jim, I am warning you right now, if that article appears in any newspaper, ever, I will go to Branch and tell him you are compromising the integrity of this bureau, and you will be unemployed."

"Weren't you the one who did that by carrying on a homosexual affair?"

Alex exhaled deeply. "It is not a _homosexual affair_. Olivia is my girlfriend. She's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Do you feel that way about Jessica?" It was a low blow and Alex knew it, but she couldn't help herself.

"No, I don't. But feeling that way about a woman is just wrong, Alexandra. I wish you could see that. I would never feel that way about a man."

"Because you're straight," Alex said patiently.

"Whatever you call yourself, being with Detective Benson just isn't right, Alexandra."

"Jim, are you saying that because you're a bigot or simply because you want to believe I was attracted to you? Because you don't want to admit you slept with a lesbian?"

"I _didn't_."

Alex sighed. "Jim, you aren't going to change my sexual orientation by debating it with me. You are dismissed."

* * *

><p>Olivia dropped by at lunchtime with Alex's favourite salad. "Hi, baby," she said with a smile. "Brought something for you."<p>

Alex beamed. "Come on in."

Olivia pulled out a chair across from Alex and handed her the container of salad. "How's your day going?"

"I'm just getting caught up on our current cases." Alex made a face. "Mostly drug cases. I don't know why we have so many. I usually tell Jim to plead out the possession cases, but obviously he has other ideas."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "So I guess you're going to be pretty busy for the next couple days."

Alex sighed. "I guess I am. Sorry, sweetie."

Olivia shrugged. "Work is work. I know it's not personal."

"I'd really rather be at home with you, but I'll probably be working until eight or nine today." She took a forkful of her salad. "I really am sorry, Liv."

"How about I drop by around six or so? Bring you dinner, maybe keep you company until you're ready to go?"

Alex smiled. "That would be lovely."

They sat together, chatting about mundane things while Alex finished her salad. Olivia stayed until there was a knock on Alex's door and Jim entered, looking from Olivia to Alex with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, I was just leaving." She gave Alex a quick kiss on the cheek. "See you later, Alex."

"Thank you for bringing me lunch, Liv. And for your company, of course."

Olivia smiled and left, closing the door behind her.

Jim sat down in the seat Olivia had just vacated. "The Thompson case. Kressler wants a plea. Assault three."

"No way! Thompson attacked Dobbs with a _baseball bat_. We're not giving him a misdemeanour!"

"It's an unwinnable case, Alexandra."

"Maybe for _you_," she couldn't help but say.

He glared at her. "The kid's got a clean record. The jury won't convict."

"He's twenty-one. He's not a _kid _anymore."

Jim sighed. "Fine. But when he walks free, it'll be on you."

"I'll take that chance."

Jim quirked an eyebrow. "How's it going with Robert?"

"That really isn't any of your concern, Jim."

"Oh, I know. It's just that he was here the other day."

Alex's breath caught in her throat. "What did he want?"

Jim shrugged. "He was looking for you. I told him you weren't here, and he left."

"That's all?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd tell you if there was anything else."

Alex wasn't sure about that, but she nodded. "You're dismissed."

Jim cocked his head. "Why do you do that, Alexandra?"

"Why do I do what?"

"Tell me I'm dismissed."

"Because you are."

"It's pretentious, and quite frankly, annoying."

Alex smiled slightly. "Duly noted, but I didn't ask for your opinion. You're dismissed."

* * *

><p>Olivia showed up after everyone else had gone home, bearing two containers of Chinese takeout. She stood in the doorway of Alex's office for a few moments, amused at the way Alex was scribbling vehemently onto a yellow legal notepad. Her glasses were slipping off her nose and she was muttering, "That's it, Thompson. You're going to prison for ten years, yes, you are. Mm hm. People vs. –" She looked up at Olivia's light chuckle and blushed when she noticed the detective in the doorway. "Oh, hi, Liv."<p>

Olivia smiled. "You're adorable when you're muttering about how to best send someone to jail, you know that?"

Alex laughed with her. "Sorry about that."

"No, it's actually rather cute. I take it you've had a productive work day?"

"Yes, I found the right precedent to send this defendant to prison for ten years. Jim wants to plead the guy to assault three. He attacked the victim with a baseball bat. He's not getting out on a class A misdemeanour. He's going to prison to a long time, and I just found the way to put him there."

"Congratulations. Will you share a victory dinner with me?"

"What did you get?"

"Orange chicken, rice – the usual. Oh, and an extra order of green beans for you." Olivia made a face. She never understood why Alex liked vegetables so much. Personally, she'd much rather have a cheeseburger, but Alex loved salads and was constantly munching on celery or carrots or broccoli throughout the day.

Alex smiled. "Thanks, Liv."

"Hey, I'm just happy to spend some time with you. And I know you're a busy lady and you've had a long day. I'm proud of you, Alex."

"Why?"

"I'm always proud of you."

Alex kissed Olivia's cheek and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, letting out a deep sigh and relishing Olivia's familiar weight pressed against her. "I love you so much," she whispered, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "Love you, too, princess."

They held each other for a few minutes, taking comfort in the other's presence. When they broke apart, they started to eat the food Olivia had brought. They ate in silence, and when they were finished, Alex went back to her case files and Olivia took out a book, propping her feet up on Alex's desk. They were content. They were together.

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

The next morning when Alex arrived at work, she was met by wary glares from all of her colleagues. She didn't figure out why until she got to her office and saw the newspaper sitting on her desk. The front page included an image of her and Robert, and then a smaller image of her and Olivia. Alex skimmed the accompanying article and saw that it was about her sleeping with Jim. _Dammit. _She was going to kill him.

Sitting on top of the newspaper was a post-it note from Branch. _See me_, it said.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, Alex stood in front of Branch's desk with her arms crossed and her signature glare firmly in place. "I don't see how this is any of your concern," she said before Branch even said a word. "If you're looking for a scapegoat, Jim is the more appropriate target. He's the one who gave this information to the reporter."<p>

"Is it true?"

Alex considered for a moment. "Yes."

"So you were having a torrid affair in my building?"

Alex gritted her teeth. "It was not a _torrid affair_. We had sex once. It was a mistake. It never happened again."

"Alexandra, all you've done for the past month is bring us bad publicity."

"So fire me."

"You're the most competent attorney we have, but I will not stand for your exploits being front page news."

"This is old news, Arthur. Take it up with Jim, not with me. He set this in motion."

Arthur sighed. "Go back to work. If I see one more article about you in any newspaper, you will no longer be employed here. Do you understand?"

"Arthur, I will not put up with you treating me like a criminal. I don't need this job. I have plenty of money and plenty of other things I could be doing right now. I'm here because I want to be here, because I want to work for the district attorney's office, and because I want to get justice for victims of crime. If you have a problem with that, I can easily find other employment."

Arthur looked at her for a moment. "I'll discuss this with Jim. Now get back to work."

Alex glared at him for one moment longer before she did as she was told.

* * *

><p>The next day, Alex was trembling as she knocked on Robert's door at 5:00 sharp. More than anything, she wanted to turn and run as far as she should back home, back to the safety of Olivia's arms. But she had to do this, to preserve that safety. She had to protect Olivia.<p>

Robert answered the door, and instead of his usual smirk, his face contorted when he saw her. He pulled her inside and held up a copy of the newspaper she'd seen the day before. "What the hell is this?"

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She chose not to answer.

"You _whore_." He glared at her. "Go into the bedroom. Strip."

She was frozen in place, paralyzed with fear. "No," she whispered, barely aware of the words slipping past her lips.

"_What _did you say to me?"

Alex couldn't speak. She had never seen him this angry before, and she was afraid.

"You're mine. You belong to me. If you fight, that girlfriend of yours will pay."

Alex forced her feet to carry her to the bedroom, and with shaking hands, she undressed herself. She sat down on the bed, pulling her knees to her chest in an attempt to cover her body from Robert's probing gaze.

Robert entered the bedroom a moment later. He tossed the newspaper on the dresser and stood in front of Alex, his lips curling into a smirk when he realized what she was doing. He grabbed her legs and pulled them apart. "Beautiful as ever. But so dirty." He slipped a hand between Alex's legs. She inhaled sharply as she felt his fingers slide into her.

Alex closed her eyes and tried to pretend she was somewhere else, somewhere safe. That she was home with Olivia and it was Olivia touching her, as tenderly as she always did.

When Robert pulled his fingers out of her and unbuckled his pants, she couldn't help the whimper that escaped her lips. But she reminded herself that she was doing this for Olivia, and she would take whatever pain she had to for her girlfriend.

She forced herself not to flinch as he entered her and began to thrust. His hands gripped her hips, tightly enough to bruise, and it occurred to Alex that she was going to need to be careful to hide the bruises from Olivia. She would wonder how Alex had gotten them, and Alex knew she couldn't tell her the truth. But she didn't trust herself to make up a convincing lie, either.

Finally he pulled back, giving her slight frame a rough shake before re-buckling his belt. "I'll see you next week, Alexandra."

She lay on his bed for a few moments longer, unable to move. Her hips hurt where he'd grabbed her and she could see the bruises beginning to form. Her arms hurt from where he'd shaken her, and she could feel his semen dripping down her thigh, emphasizing her dirtiness like a scarlet letter. She wished she could kill him. She wanted to kill him so badly. She wished he hadn't done this to her, to Olivia. She was sure that if she would allow herself to do so, she could go out to wherever Robert was and kill him with her bare hands. She wouldn't even think twice. She hated him.

More than that, she hated herself.

* * *

><p>Alex had mostly pulled herself together by the time she got home. Olivia was waiting for her in the kitchen, stirring a pot of pasta on the stove. "Hi, baby," she called. "How was your day?"<p>

Alex schooled her face into its usual impassivity. "Long," she said, pulling off her shoes and padding into the kitchen to join Olivia.

Olivia gave Alex a smile and wrapped her arms around her. "Better?"

Alex buried her head in the crook of Olivia's neck and nodded, trying to push away her guilt at what she'd just done. And Olivia was being so good to her.

Olivia let go of Alex briefly to take the pasta off the stove. She brought two bowls to the kitchen table and set one down in front of Alex.

Alex shook her head and climbed into Olivia's lap. Her girlfriend held Alex close and kissed the base of her neck. "You can stay right here. I'll hold you as long as you need me to," Olivia said quietly.

Alex leaned back against Olivia and rested her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. Olivia gently stroked her hair, and Alex sighed. She just needed to be close to Olivia right now. But this was more than she deserved.

* * *

><p>As they got into bed that evening, Alex was careful to lie on her back instead of on her side. Her left side ached, but she couldn't figure out why. Robert had grabbed her there, but it hadn't started hurting until just now.<p>

Olivia somehow felt her wince. "You hurt, baby?" she asked.

Alex shook her head.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Just cramps." Alex slid close to Olivia and burrowed her face into the crook of her girlfriend's neck. "Hold me," she whispered, and smiled when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her.

"Always," Olivia promised, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and holding the blonde tightly in her arms. "I love you so much."

* * *

><p>The next morning, Alex had the worst stomachache she could remember ever having. She didn't often get sick like this. When she was little, she'd used to complain of headaches or stomachaches that didn't actually exist to get out of going to three hour long dinners at expensive restaurants where she was expected to sit silently and politely, and not fidget or kick her feet or ask her mother when they were going home. But that had been pure fiction, and she'd forgotten how much pain a simple stomachache could cause.<p>

As she tried to get out of bed, she winced at the pain flaring up in her stomach. Olivia noticed the small hiss that escaped her lips and eyed Alex with concern. "Baby, you okay?"

Alex nodded. "Just cramps." But she groaned as another wave of pain washed over her. "Liv, I think I'm going to be sick –"

Olivia was on her feet in an instant, hot on Alex's heels as she stumbled to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Olivia held Alex's hair back from her forehead and gently rubbed her back as Alex coughed up the remaining phlegm in her throat. When there was nothing more to expel from her stomach, Alex found herself unable to move and sank to the floor, tears rushing to her eyes. Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around Alex and held her, rocking her gently and pressing kisses to her cheeks and forehead.

Alex allowed herself to bask in Olivia's affection, for now, at least. She loved being in Olivia's arms. She wished she could just stay here forever.

After a few minutes, Olivia took Alex's hand and helped her to her feet. As they started back toward the bed, Alex leaning heavily on Olivia, she noticed the clock on the vanity and her eyes widened. "Shit, Liv, it's almost 7:30! I'm going to be late for work."

Olivia regarded her sternly. "You are _not _going to work today. You are going back to bed, right now. I'm going to bring you some ginger ale and toast. Hopefully that will help settle your stomach –"

"Liv, I can't. Branch is going to –"

"I don't care about Branch. I care about you. You're sick. I'll call Branch – Cragen, too; I'll get the day off."

"Liv –"

"Don't you _Liv _me. You're sick, Alex. You're getting back into bed and you're going to have a slice of dry toast and a glass of ginger ale and I'm going to spend the day taking care of you."

Alex ducked her head in shame. She was only sick because she felt so guilty about what she'd done yesterday, with Robert, and because she was afraid. But here was Olivia, being so good to her, saying that she would take the day off to take care of Alex.

Alex didn't deserve her.

But she let Olivia lead her to bed and tuck her in, and when Olivia brought her four slices of dry toast, she forced two pieces and half a glass of ginger ale down. When she was satisfied that Alex had eaten an adequate amount, Olivia climbed into bed beside her and held Alex in her arms. "Sleep, baby," she murmured. "I'll be right here with you when you wake up."

Alex tried to fight her exhaustion, not wanting the moment to end. She knew that her moments in Olivia's arms were numbered and she resolved to take advantage of Olivia's love while she could. She knew it wouldn't last.

But what else could she do? Robert would never leave them alone if she didn't do this. He would hurt her. He would hurt Olivia. He had connections, he was physically strong; he could do things to them.

She was just so tired.

* * *

><p>When Alex woke up, she was still in Olivia's arms, as the detective had promised. She smiled through the sudden tears welling up in her eyes and kissed Olivia's cheek. "I love you so much, Liv."<p>

Olivia stroked Alex's hair and smiled back at her. "I love you, too, princess. More than anything."

Alex looked away. She couldn't bear to meet Olivia's loving gaze. She rolled onto her side and winced when her bruised hip came into contact with the mattress.

Olivia picked up on her grimace, of course, and brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. My stomach just hurts."

"Alex, please. I know you're hurting, more than just your stomach, and I just want to help. You've been acting . . . different . . . recently, and I know that something's wrong. If it's Robert –"

"No!" Alex said quickly, and she suddenly felt as though she was going to be sick again. "Liv –"

Olivia understood and immediately picked up the garbage can beside the bed, holding it in front of Alex. She threw up again, and then she started to cry.

"Liv, I'm sorry –"

"Shh, baby, it's okay. It's okay. I'm here for you; you know that."

Alex did know that. That was the problem.

* * *

><p>Olivia waited on Alex hand and foot for the rest of the day. She brought her Tums and blankets and ginger ale and glasses of water every time she got sick, and even brushed her teeth for her when Alex's hands were shaking too badly for her to do it herself. She held Alex when she wasn't bringing her things, and reassured her over and over again that she loved her and that Alex could tell her anything, and that nothing she could possibly say or do would make Olivia stop loving her.<p>

Alex knew that wasn't true, but she accepted Olivia's words anyway and didn't argue. She just didn't have the energy.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

Alex started awake in the middle of the night to find Olivia's dark, concerned eyes boring into hers. Olivia let out a sigh of relief, and Alex took a moment to re-orient herself before focusing on Olivia's deep brown eyes, her confusion evident her gaze.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her cheek. "You okay, baby?"

Alex nodded, forcing away the remnants of the nightmare she'd just awoken from. "I'm fine."

Olivia hugged Alex more tightly. "May I ask what that was about?"

Alex sighed. "You can ask. That doesn't mean I'll answer."

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "You were crying and squirming, Alex. I can't help but be concerned."

Alex instinctively reached a hand to her cheek. Sure enough, the skin beneath her fingers was damp.

"I tried to wake you, but you kept telling me not to touch you."

Alex shook her head as if to clear it. "I guess I'm sicker than I thought if I'm delirious."

Olivia's brow furrowed, and Alex could tell she didn't buy it, but she didn't say anything else. "Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"No. Just stay here. Please."

Olivia kissed her hair. "Of course." She held Alex close, cradling her in her arms. Protecting her.

* * *

><p>When Alex woke up in the morning, sunlight was streaming through the windows and she was still in Olivia's arms. She knitted her brow before it hit her. She must not have set her alarm, and she was late for work. Urgently, Alex shook Olivia awake. "Liv, we're late for work!"<p>

Olivia groaned and pulled Alex back against her. "Mm, I took today off too."

"_Liv_! I can't take today off! Branch is looking for a reason to fire me and this might just give him ammunition –"

Olivia was wide awake now, and she sat up, looking right into Alex's eyes. "I'm guessing you didn't get a lot of sleep last night," she said quietly.

"But –"

"No buts, Alex. I talked to Branch. I told him you were throwing up and that he wasn't going to want you in the office today if he didn't want you infecting everyone else. He said to tell you not to bother coming in and that he'd see you on Monday."

Alex closed her eyes. "Liv, you're using up all my sick days."

"Alex, you need one. You're ill."

"I already took one. Yesterday."

"Baby, I know you don't like taking sick days, but you need a few days off every once in awhile."

Alex sighed and curled into Olivia. She didn't really want to argue with the detective right now. She knew Olivia cared about her and that was why she'd taken the day off, and she knew she should appreciate it. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "Sweetie, if there's anything you want to tell me –"

"There isn't."

Olivia nodded. "Do you want me to make you breakfast, or do you want to go back to sleep?"

"No – I'm going to shower." As her nightmare came rushing back to her, Alex suddenly felt the need to cleanse herself of the dirtiness enveloping her skin.

"I'll join you."

"No, that's okay."

"Alex, are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," Alex said, and hurried to the washroom, needing to hide herself from Olivia's probing gaze.

When she got out of the shower, she stood in front of the mirror for a moment, examining the bruises on her hips and side. The finger shaped marks were clearly visible, and Alex winced at the sight of them.

She jumped at the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Liv, I'm in here!" she said, her eyes wildly scanning the room for something to cover herself with but falling on nothing.

She caught the hurt look on Olivia's face and realized her mistake. Olivia had never needed permission to come into the washroom before. They showered together often, and Alex had never minded Olivia's presence. "I'm sorry," Olivia said softly. She inhaled sharply as she saw the bruises on Alex's hips. "That looks like it must hurt," she said, gesturing to the marks.

Alex shifted uncomfortably, picking up her nightshirt and pulling it over her head to shield herself from Olivia's gaze. "Stop it."

Olivia reached out to lay a hand on Alex's shoulder. The attorney flinched at the unexpected touch, but Olivia didn't let go. "Alex," she said seriously, "I'm worried about you. I need you to tell me what's wrong."

Alex shrugged out of Olivia's grasp. "Olivia, I banged my hip on the table. I was walking around with the lights off. Now I'm going to have some breakfast. Please don't join me."

The pain on Olivia's face at her words was an image that Alex knew she would never be able to forget.

* * *

><p>Olivia stayed out of Alex's way for the rest of the day. When Alex went into the bedroom to lie down, Olivia went out to the living room and turned on the television. Alex almost wished Olivia would come to her and hold her, but she knew Olivia wouldn't. And it wasn't fair of her to subject Olivia to her mood swings.<p>

She took a deep breath and resolved to be kinder to Olivia from now on. She knew Olivia hadn't meant to walk in on her, and Olivia hadn't deserved for Alex to snap at her. Olivia was just worried about her. She was simply doing her job as the caring, doting girlfriend she was.

Holding back the tears that threatened to fall, Alex padded to the living room where Olivia was lounging on the couch and climbed onto Olivia's lap. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's stomach and held Alex against her. "I'm sorry, Alex," Olivia said again, kissing the crown of her girlfriend's head. "I just love you so much."

"I love you, too," Alex said softly, blinking back the tears rushing to her eyes.

Olivia tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear and gave her a smile. "How about I take you out tonight? We can go dancing."

Alex recognized the peace offering for what it was and nodded. "I'd like that."

* * *

><p>That evening, Alex got dressed up in her favourite blue dress. Olivia loved it because it brought out Alex's eyes, and Alex loved it because Olivia loved it. She'd curled her hair into silky golden waves that cascaded over her shoulders, and she'd put on the sapphire earrings Olivia had bought her several years ago for her birthday.<p>

Alex stood at the front door and pulled on her shoes. "Liv, I'm ready!" she called.

Olivia appeared a moment later, and she froze when she saw Alex.

"Liv, what is it?" Alex asked when Olivia didn't move, furrowing her brow in concern.

"Oh." Olivia's voice cracked slightly, and she held her arms out to Alex. "You are just so beautiful, baby. You took my breath away."

Alex leaned into Olivia's embrace and beamed as she felt Olivia's fingers slide through her hair. "I chose my attire well, then."

"Oh, definitely," Olivia said with a smile. "You look absolutely stunning, princess. So, so gorgeous. I'm honored to have you on my arm tonight."

Alex chuckled. "You're not looking too bad yourself, Detective."

Olivia grinned and took Alex's hand, pressing a feather light kiss to the soft skin. "You ready to go, milady?"

Alex laughed. "Absolutely."

* * *

><p>Alex and Olivia had dinner and then went dancing. Alex loved to dance, and although Olivia was often self-conscious about her own technique, she enjoyed making Alex happy. She loved the way Alex's face lit up as Olivia twirled her around on the floor, how her blue eyes sparkled and shone. She loved feeling Alex against her as they swayed, and she even loved the eyes that always followed them as they danced. She always smirked to herself when she noticed, knowing that the onlookers were envying her for having such a beautiful woman in her arms. They could look all they liked, but Olivia was the only one who got to hold her, to touch her, to kiss her. Olivia was the only one who got to share Alex's secrets and vulnerabilities and joys and <em>life<em>. Alex was simply amazing, and Olivia would never take her for granted.

Alex was glowing as Olivia spun her around on the dance floor, and Olivia was struck by the urge to lift her into her arms and hug her for the next million years. Alex was so beautiful, and Olivia loved her so much. Her cerulean eyes were bright with love as she locked her gaze onto Olivia's, and Olivia felt tears rushing to her own eyes.

Alex smiled at her and gently brushed away the moisture in her girlfriend's eyes. "I love you," she said quietly, leaning forward to plant a chaste kiss on Olivia's lips.

Olivia smiled back and wrapped her arm more snugly around Alex's slender waist. "I love you, too, princess. Always."

Alex rested her chin on Olivia's shoulder and inhaled the sweet scent of Olivia's vanilla shampoo. "Thank you for taking me out tonight."

Olivia kissed Alex's cheek. "My pleasure, sweetheart."

Alex sighed. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"It's already forgotten."

Alex ran her hands up and down Olivia's toned back, enjoying the supple muscles beneath her fingers. "I think we should take this to the bedroom," she said with a seductive smile.

Olivia swallowed hard. "You sure you're ready to go?"

Alex nodded. The slow dance had ignited her desire for Olivia, and right now she wanted nothing more than to feel Olivia's hands on her. "I had a lovely evening, but I can think of one thing to make it even lovelier," she said with a wink.

"As you wish, milady," Olivia said, grinning.

* * *

><p>When they got back to their apartment, Alex couldn't keep her hands off her girlfriend. She couldn't help but let her fingers trail up and down Olivia's sides, loving the way the detective shivered under her touch. She leaned forward to meld her lips with Olivia's, enjoying the taste of her girlfriend on her tongue. She loved kissing Olivia's full lips.<p>

Alex refused to let go of Olivia, so they made their way to the bedroom more slowly than they otherwise would have. Alex lay down on the bed and gave Olivia an enticing grin. "Do you like what you see, Detective?"

Olivia licked her dry lips and nodded. She sat down on the bed beside Alex and unzipped the back of her dress. "May I?" she asked, and when Alex nodded, she slipped the dress off, sucking in her breath at Alex's exquisite beauty. She pressed a kiss to Alex's smooth stomach and whispered, "You are so beautiful," against the taut skin.

Alex smiled and unclasped her bra, allowing Olivia to remove it. "Join me?"

Olivia quickly pulled her own clothes off and lay down beside her girlfriend, pressing her body against Alex's, loving the feeling of the warm porcelain skin against hers.

Alex brought her lips to Olivia's again, and the detective was happy to oblige her, threading her fingers through Alex's golden hair as they kissed.

As Olivia's hands moved downwards to her girlfriend's thighs, she felt Alex's body tense slightly. She pulled back. "Are you okay, baby?"

Alex nodded, widening her legs in invitation for Olivia's touch. Very gently and very carefully, Olivia stroked Alex's stomach, her sides, and then returned her hands to Alex's thighs.

"You are beautiful," she said for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight.

As one of Olivia's hands moved between her legs, Alex inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes shut. Olivia looked up at her in concern.

"Alex, we don't have to do this –"

"I want to."

Olivia bit her lip, still unsure, but moved her fingers back to Alex's thigh, tickling lightly and tracing a path upward.

Alex's knees locked and she pulled her legs closed as Olivia's hands moved higher. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I can't," she said, before jumping to her feet and running to the bathroom, where she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

Hot tears streaked down her cheeks. Why couldn't she just let Olivia touch her? Tonight had been perfect, and she had truly wanted this, but somehow, as Olivia's hands moved between her legs, all she could think of was Robert. He was nothing like Olivia, not tender or careful or loving, and yet, she couldn't get him out of her head when Olivia touched her.

She hadn't wanted to let him ruin her relationship with Olivia, but it seemed that he already had.

Alex jumped at the soft knock on the bathroom door. Clearly Olivia wasn't going to make the same mistake as she'd made earlier. "Alex, may I come in?"

"Yes," Alex said with as much strength as she could muster, but when she saw Olivia, looking so sad and confused, her tears began to fall again. "Liv, I'm so sorry –"

"Shh." Olivia pulled her into a hug, rubbing comforting circles into the small of Alex's back. "It's okay, baby. It's okay. We never need to make love if you don't want to. You know you can say stop at any time. You know I always will. You're safe with me, baby. I promise. Whatever is bothering you, I want you to know that you can tell me. But I won't push you."

Alex let out a deep breath as she rested her chin on Olivia's shoulder, relaxing into her girlfriend's arms. Robert wasn't here. This was Olivia. Olivia, who loved her more than anything and was here for her no matter what and would always keep her safe. Alex knew that she was safe, her in Olivia's embrace. Olivia was her protector, her hero, her true love. Olivia was her home.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

On Wednesday while she was at work, Alex got a call from Olivia. "I'm really sorry, baby, but I'm going to have to go out of town tonight. I'm going to be up in Buffalo executing a warrant."

Alex sighed. "Okay," she said quietly. "I understand."

Olivia caught the disappointment in her voice. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you don't like sleeping alone. I wouldn't leave you if I didn't have to. But it's just for one night, I promise. I'll make it up to you."

Alex swallowed hard. "I said it's fine. I know it's your job; you don't have a choice. Go, execute the warrant, then come back to me."

She could hear Olivia's smile in her voice. "Of course I will, baby."

* * *

><p>After work, Alex went to Robert's apartment. Part of her was glad that Olivia wasn't here, so that she wouldn't have to witness Alex's distress when she got home, but part of her was also afraid. She didn't know how she would be able to get through this without Olivia there to hold her and comfort her and tell her she loved her.<p>

Robert's lips quirked into a thin smile when he answered the door. "Ah, Alexandra. Come in."

She followed him into the apartment, trembling as she did so.

Instead of ordering her to the bedroom as he had before, Robert gestured for her to sit down on the couch. "Sit down, darling."

Alex did as she was told, folding her hands in her lap to try to hide their shaking.

"I want you to come to the Brooks' party with me tonight, Alexandra."

Alex's eyes widened and she shook her head. "I can't, Robert. Olivia –"

"Olivia is out of town."

Alex didn't even bother asking how he knew that. "It doesn't matter. I won't."

Robert's face contorted. "You will regret this," he said through clenched teeth.

Alex forced herself to meet his gaze without flinching. She didn't respond.

He glared at her, his eyes icy. "Strip."

Alex bit her lip and pulled off her clothes. She stood in front of Robert, shivering, and waited.

He gripped her sides and pulled her to him, crashing his lips against hers. Alex forced herself to go limp and let him do what he wanted.

* * *

><p>Alex went home that evening feeling absolutely exhausted, in pain inside and out. All she wanted was Olivia. She had been there for hours, giving Robert what he wanted, and now she needed to be in her girlfriend's arms. Safe.<p>

She got into the shower and tried futilely to wash away her dirtiness. She couldn't.

Without even eating dinner, she went straight to bed, pulling the covers over herself and crying herself to sleep.

A/O/A/O

The next day at work, Alex was perusing some files when she heard a knock on her office door. "Come in," she called, not looking up from her paperwork. She hoped it wasn't Jim. She'd had enough of him today.

She gasped when she saw Robert in the doorway and got to her feet in a defensive gesture.

"Robert, what are you doing here?"

"Taking what you owe me," he said, and in two steps he was beside her, pulling at her blouse.

Alex pushed him away. "Robert, what are you doing? I don't want you here. Leave."

Robert quirked an eyebrow and reached into his briefcase, pulling out a piece of paper. "I want you to look at this, Alexandra. Look hard. You might end up very familiar with it very soon." He handed her the page and watched her eyes widen as she scanned it. "Olivia Benson held a gun to my head when she came to arrest me several weeks ago. Now, this letter can stay right here between you and me or it can go to the Internal Affairs Bureau. It is your choice who knows about this, Alexandra. Make it now."

"Olivia did _not _hold a gun to your head and you know it."

Robert shrugged. "Immaterial. Your girlfriend isn't going to have a job much longer if you don't do as you're told."

Alex swallowed hard. This was an impossible decision. She couldn't be responsible for Olivia losing her job. "This wasn't part of the deal, Robert."

His lips turned up into a thin smile. "What deal?"

Alex's breath caught in her throat. "Robert, please, just don't do this –"

He pushed her down over the desk and tugged at her blouse. "Have you made your decision?"

Alex tried as hard as she could not to cry as she nodded. She hated this. She should have known that this was futile, that Robert would never leave her alone no matter what she did. She was so stupid. And now she was stuck with this.

He pulled off her blouse and unclasped her bra, kneading her breasts roughly in his hands. "This is mine," he said with a smirk. "Even your girlfriend doesn't touch you anymore, does she?"

Alex bit her lip and turned her head away, refusing to answer. His hands moved to her skirt, pulling it down her hips and lowering her panties. She closed her eyes as she felt him enter her, forcing herself not to beg. He was rough, and she was raw from the day before. It hurt. This had never hurt when Olivia had touched her, using her fingers or mouth or even a toy on occasion. Olivia was always gentle, making sure Alex was ready before she entered her, making sure Alex truly wanted to make love before she would even begin. Alex remembered how Olivia had stopped right away when she had asked her to, how she had been so concerned about Alex, how she had held Alex so tenderly after and promised that she would love her forever. She remembered what had happened that day and squeezed her eyes shut in shame. _She deserved this_.

Robert finally released inside her and stood up, pulling away from Alex. "Good girl," he said with a smirk, stroking Alex's hair. She flinched, keeping her face turned away from his. He grabbed her breasts again and pinched them hard. "I think you should thank me for letting you experience me."

Alex shook her head. She couldn't imagine anything more humiliating than thanking him for forcing herself upon her. She'd agreed to it, but she hadn't had a choice. Olivia losing her job wasn't an option, and Alex refused to be responsible for that.

Robert grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her face toward his. He leaned down and crashed his lips against Alex's. She tried to fight, but quickly abandoned the futile effort. She closed her eyes and tried to pretend she was somewhere else. With Olivia. Safe.

When he released her lips, still holding her hair, he said in a much more threatening tone, "Thank me, Alexandra. Now."

She whimpered as his hand slipped between her legs again. She couldn't say it. She wouldn't.

She sucked in her breath as he entered her, first with two fingers, then three, and finally all five, pushing past the fruitless resistance her body attempted to put up as it fought to protect itself. She cried out at the painful stretch, and before she'd even had time to think about it, she'd whispered, "Thank you for letting me experience you, Robert."

He nodded, thrusting inside her one last time for good measure and causing Alex to groan in pain. "You remember," he said as he removed his fingers, "you belong to me."

* * *

><p>Alex got a call from Olivia as she was making dinner. She was planning on making Olivia her favourite carrot soufflé for when she got home. She hoped that doing something nice for Olivia and seeing her smile would make Alex feel better.<p>

"Hi, baby," Olivia said when Alex answered the phone. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. How's it going up in Buffalo? Will you be home by eight? I'm making dinner."

Olivia sighed. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. I won't be back until tomorrow afternoon."

Alex tried not to groan. She needed Olivia now. She wanted Olivia home with her. "That's fine," she said as calmly as she could. "I know; it's work."

"I'll make it up to you, Alex. I promise."

"I know. I love you, Liv. I love you so much."

"I love you, too, baby. You keep my side of the bed warm for me, okay?"

Alex nodded as her throat tightened, forgetting that Olivia couldn't see her. She knew if she spoke, she would cry. She didn't want to cry.

She said goodbye to Olivia and put the carrot soufflé in the oven. She knew she wouldn't eat it herself, but she would put it in the fridge for Olivia. She could have it tomorrow when she got home. It might not taste as good as it would have fresh, but the thought was there, and she knew Olivia would appreciate it.

She tried to soothe herself by taking a bath, but it didn't help. She'd been so conditioned to expect comfort from Olivia that she couldn't even soothe herself anymore. The thought terrified her. She had become too dependent on Olivia, so dependent that she needed to be in Olivia's arms to feel better when she was upset. She needed Olivia. She didn't know what she was going to do when she lost her.

Alex climbed into bed and pulled Olivia's pillow to her, inhaling the scent that still lingered, of her strawberry scented shampoo and something else that was simply Olivia. It helped, a little. She hugged the pillow to her chest and pretended it was her girlfriend in her arms.

* * *

><p>Alex didn't want to go to work on Friday. She was frightened that Robert would come to see her again. But she knew she had to go. She had already missed too much work recently, and there were things that needed to be done.<p>

Alex tried to bury herself in her paperwork and not worry about Robert, but her worst fears were confirmed around lunchtime, when Robert knocked on her office door and walked in without even bothering to wait for a response. "I'm here to take you out to lunch," he said.

Alex sighed. "Robert, I have things to do –"

"Things that are more important than Detective Benson?"

Alex closed her eyes and slowly shook her head.

Robert petted her hair like she was a dog. "Good girl. Get your coat. We're going to Terra."

Alex ducked her head in shame and followed him out the door.

She suffered through a painful hour-long lunch, and found herself almost wishing that he would just take her home and fuck her already so she could leave his presence. She felt a headache coming on.

Sure enough, he brought her back to his apartment afterward and threw her on the bed before having his way with her. Alex simply closed her eyes and willed it to be over. She was stuck in this cycle and didn't know to break free.

* * *

><p>She had Robert drop her off at her apartment instead of taking her back to work. She was too tired to accomplish anything right now. She knew her work was suffering, but Olivia had taught her that she needed to take care of herself first and work second, and that she couldn't escape her problems by throwing herself into her job. So she followed Olivia's advice and went home.<p>

She took two aspirins and lay down on the couch, not caring that she was a mess. Olivia wouldn't be home until late in the afternoon, and she would clean herself up before then.

Within minutes, she was sound asleep.

* * *

><p>Olivia arrived home about an hour before she'd expected to, and she was quite pleased with herself. She decided she would come home to change and then go to surprise Alex at work. She felt terrible about being away from Alex so long. She had barely slept last night because Alex hadn't been in her arms.<p>

She smiled slightly when she passed the living room and noticed Alex asleep on the couch. Alex was so adorable when she slept, and she looked so peaceful.

Then her contentment at seeing her girlfriend turned into concern. It was the middle of the day. Alex should be at work. She was never asleep at this time of day. She must still not be feeling well.

Olivia went to sit down beside Alex on the couch and gently stroked her cheek. "Hey, baby," she said softly as Alex started to stir.

Alex's eyes went wide and she flinched away from Olivia's touch. "Please . . . please don't," she whispered.

"Hey, baby – baby, it's just me. It's Olivia. It's okay."

Alex exhaled as she realized where she was. She wrapped her arms around Olivia and held on tight.

Olivia hugged her back, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "You okay, sweetheart?"

Alex didn't say anything, but she tightened her grasp on Olivia.

Olivia kissed her hair. "Are you not feeling well?"

Alex shook her head. "I missed you," she said quietly.

"I missed you, too, princess."

Alex looked away. "Don't go away again," she said in a childlike timbre. It broke Olivia's heart.

"I won't, baby. I promise. I won't go away from you again."

**Review for chapter nineteen!**


	19. Chapter 19

Alex was jumpy for the rest of the day. She knew that she should tell Olivia what was going on with Robert, but she was ashamed. She knew that was she was doing was wrong, and she was terrified that Olivia would throw her out for cheating on her. Alex knew that now, at least, she didn't have a choice, but she feared that wouldn't make a difference.

She was cheating on Olivia, and she hated herself for it.

Olivia asked Alex a hundred times throughout the day what was wrong, but Alex wouldn't tell her. She just said that she was fine and did her best to distract Olivia, inviting her out for a walk, making her a sandwich and a salad for a late lunch, suggesting that they turn on a movie. Olivia obediently dropped the subject, but Alex could tell by the concerned glances Olivia kept shooting her that she was still worried.

Alex's heart ached with the secret she was being forced to keep. She was silent during dinner as she cut Olivia a piece of leftover carrot soufflé and moved her own food around on her plate, working up her courage to say something. "Olivia," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

Olivia looked up, her eyes focusing on Alex's baby blues. "Yeah, baby?"

Alex dropped her gaze. She wanted so much to blurt out her problems, to tell Olivia all that had happened, all that she had done. She wanted so much for Olivia to tell her she forgave her, to hold her and comfort her and promise Alex that she would fix things.

But she knew that wouldn't happen, so she didn't say anything. "Nothing," she said, cutting an already tiny piece of carrot soufflé into two smaller pieces.

Olivia watched her for another moment before she got to her feet and walked over to Alex, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. "I love you," she said, kissing Alex's hair.

Alex sighed. "I love you, too, Liv."

"Baby, please tell me what's wrong. I know you're hurting and it's killing me to see you like this and not being able to help."

Alex shook her head. She couldn't.

Olivia intertwined her fingers with Alex's and squeezed her hand tightly. "I'm here for you, Alex," she said, hoping with all her heart that Alex would believe her.

* * *

><p>Alex woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. She sat in bed, watching Olivia sleep. She was so beautiful and Alex loved her so much. She reached out to stroke Olivia's cheek, gently, so as not to wake her.<p>

She wished Olivia was awake and there for her right now. She needed Olivia right now.

She knew she could shake Olivia awake, and the detective wouldn't mind, and she would hold her and do whatever Alex needed her to do. But that would be selfish, so she didn't.

She lay down again, curling into Olivia and draping one of her girlfriend's arms over her. She felt safe like this, cuddled into Olivia. She wished she could stay like this forever.

* * *

><p>On Monday, Alex desperately wanted to stay home from work. But she had to pretend everything was all right, for Olivia. She needed to keep Olivia safe, and she didn't want her girlfriend to worry about her.<p>

She knew Olivia's phone would be on throughout the day, and that she could call her girlfriend at any time and Olivia would stop whatever she was doing and be there for her, and even come to get her if Alex needed her to. But Alex knew she wouldn't. She couldn't.

Sure enough, Robert showed up about twenty minutes before Alex's work day was over. But this time, she was ready. Today, she was not going to just lie down and take it. Today, she would fight, for Olivia if not for herself. "Get out," she said firmly, getting to her feet.

Robert ignored her and came into Alex's office anyway, closing and locking the door behind him and advancing on Alex. He grabbed her wrist and twisted it hard. "You do not speak that way to me, Alexandra. You're mine."

Alex tried to pull away, but his grip was tight and she couldn't break free. She used her other hand to shove him as hard as she could, and he stumbled back momentarily, releasing her wrist.

"You keep your hands _off _me, Robert."

His face contorted and he slapped Alex across the face. "You filthy dyke," he growled. "You belong to _me_. Don't you forget that."

Alex forced herself not to bring her hand to her burning cheek. She went for the phone on her desk, intending to page the security guard and have Robert removed from her office, but he knocked the phone away and pushed her down on her desk, forcing her onto her back.

"Do you need a lesson?" he asked in a soft, dangerous tone, pulling Alex's blouse apart and throwing it onto the floor.

Alex lay still on her desk, paralyzed with fear. She wanted to kick out at him, but her legs were frozen. "Robert, _don't_," she managed to force past her lips. She couldn't do this anymore. Whether it lost Olivia her job or lost her Olivia, she could not let him do this to her.

He pulled off the rest of her clothes and shoved his fingers inside her, stretching Alex painfully. "You do _not _give me orders, whore."

Alex tried to squirm away from him. "You can do whatever you want with that letter," she ground out, trying to push him away. He had her arms pinned above her head, however, and it was futile.

Robert simply raised an eyebrow and pulled down his own pants, entering her roughly and beginning to thrust inside her. "I see you don't love your girlfriend after all."

Alex looked away from him and tried to kick again, this time forcing her leg to move and catching his upper thigh.

Robert smacked her again and moved his leg to incapacitate hers. "If you fight me, your precious Detective Benson will feel exactly what I'm doing to you right now. Although she isn't quite as pretty as you are – I'm sure she won't be as sweet, but she'll do."

"You stay away from Olivia!"

"That's up to you, Alexandra. If you behave, I'll leave her alone. If not . . . she'll have to take your punishment for you."

Alex tried not to cry. She couldn't be responsible for Olivia's pain, but she didn't think she could bear her own pain and guilt any longer. He was hurting her, and she hated herself for being so weak.

She forced herself to stay still, knowing that it would hurt less. Her pride was already gone. All she had left to protect was Olivia, and she would protect her with all she had.

* * *

><p>Alex got home after work an hour later than she'd planned to. All she wanted was a soak in the bathtub and her girlfriend's arms around her for the rest of the evening.<p>

When she arrived, she was surprised to find the lights dimmed and candles burning throughout the apartment. "Liv?" she called.

Olivia appeared a moment later, wearing the low-cut black dress that Alex loved. She gave Alex a smile and leaned forward to give her a kiss, but her smile faded when she saw the look on Alex's face. "I was going to take you out tonight," she said a bit hesitantly. "You up for that? I made reservations at Oregano."

Alex sighed. She really wasn't up for a nice dinner tonight. "I'm sorry, Liv, but I think I'm going to pass tonight. I'm really tired."

Olivia's face fell. "Oh, okay," she said, trying to mask her disappointment. "I'm sorry. I should have called first and asked you. I just thought it would be a nice surprise."

Alex felt terrible as she pulled off her shoes and took off her coat. "I'm sorry. I just want to go lie down. I have a headache."

Olivia nodded. "Tough day?"

"What else is there?" Alex asked with a rueful smile.

Olivia managed a smile in return. "You want me to run you a bath?"

Alex shook her head. That was all she'd wanted a few moments ago, but now she just needed to be alone with her guilt and pain.

Olivia's eyes were full of sadness. "Alex, did I do something?"

"No! No, you didn't do anything. I'm just – I'm sorry."

Alex escaped to the bathroom and locked the door. As soon as the water was running and she knew Olivia wouldn't be able to hear her, she let her tears fall freely.

* * *

><p>Alex couldn't get her mind off Robert as she lay in the bathtub. She made up her mind that she was going to tell Olivia. She had to. She couldn't let him hurt her like this, not anymore. Olivia would know what to do.<p>

She was still terrified that Olivia would be angry with her or even leave her, but this couldn't go on forever. It would continue to get worse unless she did something, and since she was unable to do something on her own, she needed Olivia's help.

When she was dressed, Alex padded into the living room, where she found Olivia sprawled out on the couch, reading a book. She stood uncertainly in the doorway for a moment before she walked up to Olivia. "Liv, do you have a moment?"

Olivia gave her a smile and put down her book, their earlier rift clearly forgotten. "Of course, baby. I always have a moment for you." She sat up and patted the space beside her, but Alex sat down on the armchair across from Olivia instead and wrapped her arms around herself.

"I have something I need to tell you," she said quietly. "But I – I –"

Olivia heard the words Alex couldn't bring herself to say, just as she always did. She got up and perched on the arm of the chair where Alex was sitting. "Alex, nothing could ever stop me from loving you." She lifted Alex's chin and caressed her cheek. "You're it for me. Don't you ever worry about that, okay?"

Alex nodded, Olivia's gentle touches helping her calm down. "Liv, I did something bad," she whispered, then stopped, unable to continue.

"Sweetie, you know you can tell me anything," Olivia said after a few moments of silence. "I promise I won't judge you, whatever it is."

"I – I – it's not – I didn't mean to do it. I didn't want to do it!" Alex was desperate for Olivia to understand. She hadn't wanted this. She hadn't meant for it to happen.

Olivia watched her with concern. It took a lot to steal the usually verbose attorney's words, and she knew that this was very difficult for Alex. She tucked a strand of Alex's hair behind her ear and gently kissed her cheek. "It's okay, princess," she said softly. "You can tell me."

Alex was trembling, but Olivia's caresses encouraged her to continue. "I needed to –" Alex faltered when she heard Olivia's phone begin to vibrate in her pocket, giving her the out she both desperately wanted and feared. "You should get that," she said when Olivia made no move to answer her phone. "It's probably work."

"You're more important, Alex. I'm here for you. I know you want to tell me something. Tell me."

Alex shook her head as Olivia's phone continued to ring. "I'll tell you later. Duty calls."

Watching Alex carefully, Olivia picked up her phone and answered it. "Benson . . . I'll be right there." She gave Alex an apologetic look and kissed her temple. "It's work. Rape victim in Chelsea. I'll be back in a few hours, okay?"

Alex nodded. "Go."

Olivia gave her another kiss and squeezed her hand. "Love you, baby."

Alex looked away. "I love you, too."

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

Alex slept poorly that night. It took her several hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep without Olivia's arms around her, and she woke up at three in the morning with a nightmare. The space beside her was still empty, and it was up to Alex to calm her own shaking body and pounding heartbeat. "Liv," she whispered, wishing Olivia was there with her, holding her close, keeping her safe, telling her how much she loved her and promising that everything would be okay.

She was vaguely aware of Olivia slipping into bed with her a few hours later and the detective's arms enveloping her, and she finally surrendered herself to sleep in Olivia's embrace.

* * *

><p>When Alex woke up in the morning, she fought the urge to shake Olivia awake and confess to the detective all that she'd done for these past few weeks. That wouldn't be fair. Olivia was exhausted, having not returned home until after five in the morning, and Alex wouldn't wake her. She could wait until later to tell Olivia about Robert. It would give her the time she needed to work up her courage to tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.<p>

She just hoped another encounter with Robert wouldn't be awaiting her at work.

* * *

><p>Alex had already left for work when Olivia awoke, and she pushed away the waves of guilt and disappointment that threatened to overwhelm her. She knew she shouldn't have left Alex last night, when her girlfriend had so clearly needed her. Alex had been acting off for the past few weeks, and Olivia knew she must be carrying around some heavy burden that she desperately needed to share. Olivia had wanted to be the attentive girlfriend and be there for her, but work had interfered, as usual.<p>

Olivia was worried. She didn't know what the problem was, or why Alex had been so hesitant to tell her, but she was angry with herself for wasting the opportunity that had arisen yesterday when Alex had tried. She hoped it wasn't Robert again, or the article that had appeared in the newspaper. Alex was having enough trouble already.

She decided she would stop by the DA's office and take Alex out for lunch. She hoped that Alex would open up to her, and that she'd be allowed to have another chance.

* * *

><p>Alex's stomach dropped when she heard the knock on her door just before lunchtime. She knew it was Robert, and she also knew that there was nothing she could do about it. She had to just lie down and take it, for today, at least. When she got home, she would tell Olivia everything, and Olivia would fix things for her, as she always did. But there was no way for her to fight him now, not alone. He would just hurt her more, and maybe Olivia, too. Alex couldn't take any more pain, and she couldn't be responsible for Olivia's.<p>

When Robert entered her office without even waiting for a response, she didn't fight him. She obeyed when he ordered her to undress and forced herself not to flinch as he ran a rough hand through her hair. _Olivia_, she thought as he entered her forcefully and began to thrust inside her. _I'm taking this for Olivia. Just one more day and then it'll be over. I can handle this one last day._

She closed her eyes and tried to picture Olivia's smile, the way her eyes crinkled with absolute love when she looked at Alex, the way they shone and danced as she laughed. She felt a warmth spread through her as she imagined Olivia's hand in her own, Olivia's arms wrapped tightly around her, Olivia's gentle hands running through her hair, rubbing her back, caressing her cheek.

She loved Olivia so much, and she knew that she couldn't let this go on any longer. She would tell Olivia tonight.

She was startled back to reality when she felt Robert thrust more harshly inside her, making her gasp in pain and causing tears to rush to her eyes. Alex bit her lip hard. She would not fight him now, not when she was so close to returning to the safety of Olivia's love. Soon, this would all be over and she would let herself be loved by Olivia again, fully and completely.

Robert reached a hand up to knead one of her breasts. "You're mine, Alexandra," he said, his lips curling into a malicious smirk. "You will always be mine. Your body belongs to me."

Alex forced herself not to respond. She knew she didn't belong to him; she belonged to Olivia. She knew that, and it was enough.

Moisture spilled down Alex's cheeks as Robert pinched her breasts again and continued to thrust inside her, murmuring over and over that Alex belonged to him. When that didn't garner a response, he began to whisper obscenities about Olivia, calling her all kinds of profane names. Alex couldn't help her tears in response. She knew Olivia loved her, and that Olivia was the most amazing woman in the world, and that Alex was so lucky to have her, and she hated hearing Robert degrade her like this.

Her eyes popped open as she heard another knock on her door. If it was Jim . . . or Arthur . . . if they found her like this, she would lose her job for sure.

But when the door opened after a moment, it was worse than Alex could have possibly imagined. There in the doorway stood Olivia.

"Alex!" Olivia's eyes were wide and her mouth dropped open at the sight before her.

Alex's tears intensified and she tried to push Robert off her, but he pressed her harder into her desk and kissed her roughly. She felt him release inside her, and when he let her go, her knees shook and she crumpled to the ground.

Robert pulled up his pants and buckled his belt, turning to Olivia with a self-satisfied smirk. "Ah, Detective. I see that I was correct that you weren't adequately pleasing my Alexandra."

Tears rushed to Olivia's eyes, and as Robert sauntered out the door, she turned her rage on Alex. "How _could _you, Alex? How could you do this?"

"Olivia, I –"

Olivia shook her head in disgust. "Get dressed." She looked away while Alex pulled her clothes back on. "So was Robert right? You missed something big between your legs?"

"No! No, Liv –"

"I knew I couldn't trust you, Alex! I never should have let you back into my life! I should have known you'd hurt me again."

"Olivia – Olivia, I'm sorry, please, wait –"

Olivia shook her head again as she started out the door. "No. I'm leaving before I do something I regret. By the time I get home this evening, you're going to be gone. Take your stuff and go back to Robert. We both know that's where you want to be anyway."

As she watched Olivia leave, Alex began to sob, her whole body trembling with the force of her cries. It was all over. She was alone again. And she didn't know what to do.

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


	21. Chapter 21

Olivia was seething as she drove home from the DA's office. She didn't trust herself to go back to the precinct, fearing she would take out her anger at Alex on a suspect or even on her partner. She couldn't believe Alex had done this to her. She had done everything she could to keep Alex happy and still, Alex had betrayed her.

She wondered if they had even had anything together to begin with, if Alex was so happy to go back to Robert. She wondered how long this had been going on, and why Alex hadn't just left if she was so unhappy.

Alex couldn't have things both ways. Either she wanted to be with Robert or she wanted to be with Olivia. She couldn't sleep with Robert but take all that Olivia would give her. She had to make a choice, and she'd chosen Robert.

But as she walked into her apartment and glanced around, everything reminded her of Alex. The blonde's coat still hung in the closet; her shoes were still at the front door; a novel with Alex's favourite bookmark in it still sat on the arm of the couch. Olivia was struck by the urge to rid her apartment of everything that had ever been connected to Alex, but another part of her didn't want to forget. She couldn't bear to remove all traces of the woman she still loved, despite everything.

She had given Alex all that she had, and it still hadn't been enough. Olivia knew deep down that Alex deserved more than Olivia could give her, but she wished it hadn't been Robert that Alex had turned to. She had seen his true colors and knew that Robert was not a good man, but love could be blind. Alex's love for her had been blind, too.

"I wish you'd stayed, baby," she whispered, feeling tears rush to her eyes again. She just loved Alex so much, and she'd thought Alex had felt the same way about her. She wished she had.

She missed Alex already. She _needed _Alex. She didn't know how she'd survive without the woman she had truly believed was her soul mate, the piece of her that had been missing for so long. She felt like Alex had taken half of her heart with her when she left.

She felt a headache coming on and went into the bedroom to lie down. Her breath caught when she saw one of Alex's tank tops lying on her side of the bed and inhaled the scent of Alex's pillow. It smelled of her shampoo and the subtle perfume she always wore.

Suddenly, Olivia couldn't hold it in anymore. She crumpled to the ground, sobbing her heart out for the woman she could no longer allow herself to love.

* * *

><p>Alex couldn't believe that had just happened. She and Olivia were over. Olivia had told her to leave. Olivia didn't love her anymore. Olivia didn't want her anymore.<p>

And it was all her own fault.

She desperately wanted to go home, but she didn't know where home was anymore. Evidently it was no longer with Olivia.

She would check into a hotel and stay there while she searched for a new apartment. She had had her chance with Olivia, and she'd blown it. Now it was too late.

But this had been bound to happen sooner or later. Olivia was too good for her. Alex didn't deserve her.

She wished with all her heart that she could have been different, better, instead of this weak, defective shell of who she once was. She wished she could be the Alex Cabot that Olivia had fallen love with again. She was Alex Cabot in name only now.

* * *

><p>Alex was sitting in her hotel room that evening when she heard a knock on the door. Her heart skipped a beat, and she jumped to her feet, hoping against hope that it might be Olivia, telling her that she understood everything and that she wanted Alex back. Olivia would hold her and kiss her and stroke her hair and tell her over and over that she loved her.<p>

Alex shook her head to clear it of the fantasy as she opened the door. She knew it wouldn't be Olivia. Olivia didn't want her anymore, and it was her own fault. She should have fought Robert harder. She never should have agreed to their arrangement in the first place. Robert had hurt Olivia just as much as he would have if Alex had refused him; he had simply used her to do it.

When she opened the door, she gasped to find Robert standing in the doorway. Her reflexes weren't fast enough, and he pushed past her into the hotel room and sat down on the bed.

"Get out," Alex said, but Robert just smirked.

"I understand that you have . . . _needs _. . . Alexandra. Since Detective Benson clearly cannot satisfy them, I thought that you might like to come home with me."

"How _dare _you? You get out of here." Alex reached for the phone above the bed in the hotel room, but Robert grabbed her arm and held it tightly.

"You don't want to do that, Alexandra."

Alex glared at him. "There is nothing more you can take away from me, Robert."

He tightened his grip, and Alex knew that his grasp would leave finger shaped bruises that she would have to cover tomorrow. "You still belong to me, Alexandra. That hasn't changed." He smirked. "And I'm going to show you." He shoved Alex down on the bed and yanked down her skirt.

Alex fought him, kicking out as hard as she could. She had nothing more to lose, and she would not let him do this to her. She opened her mouth to scream, but then Robert's hand was over her mouth and she felt him stuff her skirt inside. She choked on the material and tried to remove it, but Robert used one of his hands to pin hers above her head. He was stronger than her. She was helpless and she knew it. She couldn't protect Olivia. She couldn't even protect herself.

This was not her.

Alex kicked Robert again, catching him in the knee. She was rewarded with a swift smack that took her breath away for a moment. "No," she tried to say, but she couldn't speak through the gag he'd placed in her mouth.

"You belong to me, Alexandra. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be."

Alex felt moisture in her eyes when Robert entered her with a finger and began to stroke inside her, but she blinked her tears back. She wouldn't let him see her cry.

He wasn't treating her as roughly as he had earlier, and it was clear that he had something else in mind. One of his fingers was curling inside her and the thumb of his other hand was circling her clit. Alex's breath caught when she realized what he was trying to do, and she felt her climax building inside her. She couldn't let him do this to her.

But her body was betraying her with its external signs of arousal, and Alex felt tears of shame pricking at her eyes. She turned her head away from Robert. She would not let him see her cry.

"You're mine," Robert said again. "I control you. I can make you do whatever I want. And right now, I'm going to make you come for me."

Alex couldn't stop her body from trembling in fear and humiliation. She desperately wished that Olivia would magically appear and save the day, and pull Robert off her with a strength Alex herself could not muster. She would take Alex into her arms and hold her forever.

Alex wished she could do that herself. She wished she didn't need Olivia so much. She wished she could protect herself and find inside her the strength to push Robert away and run, as far away from him as she could.

But she was too weak. She had never been weak before. Once upon a time, Alex Cabot had been on top of the world. She had been constantly in control. But Robert was showing her right now that she was not in control, even of her own body.

She prayed for her body not to betray her as she feared it would, but her prayers were not to be answered. Her climax continued to build inside her, and she closed her eyes in abject shame as she felt the waves of release wash over her. Her body had not been strong enough to resist him. She wanted to die in humiliation. Olivia could never want her now. No one would.

When Alex's body had stilled, she waited him to move away from her. She had let him do what he wanted. He had succeeded in possessing her completely. What more could he take from her?

Still gripping Alex's wrists and holding them above her head, Robert used his other hand to unbuckle and pull down his pants. He thrust inside her, just as he had before, making Alex whimper at the painful stretch. She was too sensitive, he was hurting her too much, she was too ashamed and absolutely terrified, and she just needed him to go away.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Robert released her. She was too tired to fight, too exhausted to even say a word. She crumpled to the ground and buried her face in her hands in the hopes that Robert wouldn't notice how hard she was crying. Her life had fallen apart. Her dignity was gone, her pride, and the love of her life. She had nothing left to live for.

She barely noticed Robert leave, barely heard him tell her that she belonged to him and he would be back later. She needed Olivia. But Olivia wasn't here, and she never would be. Alex had driven her away.

She heard the knock on her door a little while later, and instinctively moved to cover herself. She feared it was Robert again, back for more, but she didn't have the energy to move from her spot on the floor. She knew the ground was probably dirty, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

"Alex, if you don't open this door right now, I'm coming in. I have the key."

_Elliot_. Alex could barely bring herself to care.

She heard the key turn in the door. "You promised you wouldn't hurt Olivia again, and you – I knew she couldn't trust you, I told her not to. I hoped you would prove me wrong, but I know you're too selfish – Alex?" His eyes widened when he opened the door and saw her lying on the ground, clearly in pain and looking more defeated and vulnerable than he'd ever seen her. His lecture abandoned, he went over to Alex and knelt down beside her. "Alex, what _happened_?"

Alex raised her head and managed to force one word past her dry lips. "Olivia," she said, her voice barely a whisper.

Elliot's anger returned. "You don't know what you did to her, Alex! She actually thought you _loved _her. Damn you for screwing with her like this – I knew you were just stringing her along. You always think you're too good for everyone, you could never love anyone but yourself. Soon enough Robert will realize that too."

Alex just dropped her head and took it, too exhausted and in too much pain to respond. She knew she deserved all that he was telling her. "It wasn't like that," she whispered once he'd ended his rant. "Please, tell her –"

"Tell her what, Alex? What could you possibly have to say to make up for this?"

"He – I didn't want to. Please, Elliot, you have to believe me. I _never _wanted this. He told me – he said I had to – he said he'd hurt Olivia. Please, I had to protect her, I didn't want this, I could never want this, I would never –"

"Alex, did he rape you?"

Alex closed her eyes in humiliation and slowly shook her head. "No, but he said – he said he'd hurt Olivia if I didn't, he said he'd make her lose her job, he said it would be worse – I couldn't fight him, Elliot, I'm sorry, I tried! I tried so hard – he was too strong."

"He told you he would hurt Olivia if you didn't have sex with him?"

Alex nodded, trying to recall exactly what he'd said. "He said Olivia would have to take it for me if I didn't do what he said."

"Alex, that was rape. It was rape if he threatened Olivia in any way to get you to do what he said."

"No, no – I agreed. I'm sorry, Elliot, I didn't want to! I hurt Olivia – I never wanted that." Alex couldn't remember the last time she'd cried like this in front of anyone that wasn't Olivia. She was filled with shame at how far she'd fallen.

Elliot watched her for a moment and finally nodded. "I'm going to call Olivia."

Alex looked away from him. "I'm sorry," she said again.

He stepped out of the room for several moments, which Alex used to try to compose herself. She smoothed out her clothes and wiped away the remnants of her tears. She was still afraid, but at least she had made Elliot understand. She prayed that Olivia would understand, too.

Elliot returned after a few minutes, his face impassive. "I'm taking you home," he said, holding his hand out to her and helping her to her feet. "Olivia wants to discuss things with you."

Alex nodded mutely and let Elliot lead her downstairs to his car. She sat down in the passenger seat and rested her head against the window. Every moment brought her closer to Olivia. She was content.

**Review for chapter twenty-two!**


	22. Chapter 22

Alex held her breath on the entire walk up to their apartment. She was both anticipating seeing Olivia again and afraid of it. She feared that Olivia would hold what she'd done against her, that she would tell her to leave for good.

She hesitated when they got to the door. Elliot didn't seem to notice and knocked on the door. "Liv, it's us."

The door opened almost immediately, and Olivia stood in the doorway, her face set. She gave Alex a once-over. "Come in," she said quietly.

Alex flinched at having to be invited into her own apartment – her own _former _apartment. She followed Elliot and Olivia into the living room, and stood awkwardly for a moment as Olivia sat down on the couch and Elliot took the armchair. She didn't feel right sitting down beside Olivia, not knowing if she would be okay with that.

"Alex," Olivia said, in a harsher tone than the one she usually took with Alex, "is what Elliot told me true? Did Robert rape you?"

Alex couldn't meet her eyes. "Not exactly –"

"What does that _mean_, Alex? Did he threaten you or didn't he?"

"He said he'd hurt you if I didn't do what he said," Alex whispered, her wide eyes flickering up to Olivia's. "I'm sorry, Liv, I didn't want to! I would never want that, but he said – he said he would make you lose your job, and then he said if I wasn't good he'd make you feel what I was feeling instead – I'm so sorry, Olivia, I didn't want it! I love you, please know that . . ." She fell silent at the unreadable expression on Olivia's face, terrified that this was going to be the end.

"Why didn't you tell me, Alex?"

"I was ashamed – I was scared you'd be angry with me, and then I tried to tell you, but – I'm sorry, Liv, I tried to fight him, but he was too strong! I couldn't. I gave up – it was just easier – it hurt less – please, I'm so sorry, Liv! I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you."

"How many times did it happen?"

Alex dropped her gaze. "I don't know. Maybe ten? Too many."

Olivia sighed and opened her arms. "Come here, baby," she said in the gentle voice that Alex was used to, and Alex ran to her. Once she was safely in Olivia's arms, she started to cry, tears of relief and fear and pain and love and guilt and humiliation all rolled into one. She buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and the detective held her, rocking her slightly in her arms and stroking Alex's hair. "I love you," she whispered in Alex's ear. "I could never stop loving you. You're part of me, sweetie. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Alex just clung to her, too overcome with emotion to speak. She had been so worried, and now everything was going to be okay. Olivia was here, and she would keep Alex safe. "I'm sorry," Alex tried to say again, but Olivia waved away the apology, hugging Alex more tightly and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

"Shh, baby. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. You did the only thing you knew to do. You were just trying to protect me, and I could never blame you for being raped." She kissed Alex's forehead and looked at Elliot. "You go arrest the bastard," she said, her voice cracking.

Elliot nodded and got up to leave. "I'll call you," he said.

"It was only rape once, Liv," Alex said, her voice muffled. "You won't be able to make a case –"

"Don't you worry about that, sweetheart. I'll take care of it. And Alex, you know that rape by coercion is still rape. He threatened me, he threatened you; I know he hurt you. I saw the bruises." Olivia sighed again and held Alex closer. "I'm so sorry for doubting you, princess. I should have known you would never cheat on me, especially not with Robert. I should have seen. I should have protected you."

Alex shook her head. "I agreed to it. I even – I even – Liv, I'm so sorry!" She couldn't say it. She couldn't tell Olivia what Robert had done to her today. She was too ashamed. She couldn't tell Olivia about the pleasure Robert had coaxed from her body. She feared that Olivia would be disgusted with her and never want to touch her again. "I tried not to. I tried to stop it, but I – I just couldn't! He was – he was –"

"What is it, Alex? You know you can tell me."

Alex was terrified to tell her, but she knew she had to. She couldn't keep any more secrets from Olivia. Their relationship wouldn't last if she did. But she was trembling in fear, and Olivia gently rubbed her back in an attempt to calm her. "Please don't be upset, Liv – I swear I didn't want it!" Alex was having difficulty finding the right words. She wasn't used to talking about sexual things, even with Olivia. She knew how to speak in the clinical sense, as she'd often had to do when she was the ADA for SVU, but she didn't know how to tell Olivia the most horrible thing Robert had done to her. "He said – he wanted to control me. He said I was his, and he was going to show me – he was touching me, like you touch me, and I told him to stop but he didn't, and I tried to kick him but he hit me and he held me down and he said he'd hurt me more and he'd hurt you – he – he was almost _gentle_, and I – my body just reacted – I didn't want to, Liv! I _didn't _want it! I wanted him to stop, but he wouldn't, and my body – I just felt it – he made me come, but I swear I didn't want to! I didn't want it – I just wanted him to stop!" Alex was crying again, all of the dirtiness coming back to engulf her, and she clung to Olivia, needing the detective there to ground her. "Forgive me," she whispered.

Olivia exhaled deeply. "Alex," she said after a moment, holding Alex more tightly and kissing the blonde's hair, "there's nothing to forgive. Sometimes the body just reacts. You know that. It doesn't mean you wanted it, or that you enjoyed it, or that it's your fault. It _isn't_, baby. None of this is your fault, and I am so sorry for not stopping it. I would never blame you for this. If I'd known – I never would have done what I did."

"But I never should have let him –"

"Alex, you didn't let him do anything. You tried to fight him. You did everything you were supposed to do. Rape is _never _the victim's fault, baby. Remember what we always say? The only thing you need to do is survive, and you did that. I could never blame you for anything else. You did the best you could."

Alex buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me, Alex. _He _did. He just used you to hurt me. And he used me to hurt you. But he's not going to get away with this, Alex. He's going to be punished for what he did."

"Oh, Liv. It's my word against his."

"I saw it, Alex –"

"You saw us having sex. You only know it was rape because I told you – because _Elliot _told you."

"I promise, princess, I won't let him hurt you ever again."

Alex shook her head. "I just want to keep you safe, Liv. That's why I did it. And still – I can't let him hurt you."

"Baby, I don't want you to worry about me. I know that's all you've been doing for these past few weeks, and I'm so sorry about that." Olivia gave Alex another kiss and took her hand. "How about I go run you a bath?"

"I want to be with you –"

"Of course. I meant run us both a bath." She gave Alex one of the tender, beautiful smiles reserved only for her. "Come on."

* * *

><p>That night, Alex fell asleep once again in Olivia's arms. She was home again. She was safe. She was happy.<p>

Olivia watched her sleep, grateful for the beautiful, wonderful woman she was holding. She had almost lost Alex again, and this time it was her own pigheadedness which would have driven her love away. And Robert. Olivia was glad she'd sent Elliot to arrest him instead of arresting Robert herself, because she knew she would have lost her temper. She would have attacked him. She wanted to kill him for what he'd done to her Alex, for what he'd done to them both. She'd seen the bruises he'd inflicted upon Alex's fair skin as they had bathed together, and although she hadn't mentioned the marks to Alex, she was seething inside at the sight of them. She loved her girlfriend so much, and all she wanted was to protect her. She wished Alex had trusted her enough to come to her and tell her what Robert was doing, but she tried to rid her mind of the thought. Alex had told her now, and they were together again, and that was what mattered. Alex was safe, Robert was going to pay for what he'd done, and everything was going to be fine.

"I love you, sweetheart," she whispered to her sleeping girlfriend, pressing a feather light kiss to Alex's forehead.

The blonde sighed in contentment and curled closer to Olivia, and Olivia held her more tightly. She wished she could keep Alex in her arms forever, and shield her from the outside world with her embrace. It sickened her to think of how Alex had been violated. Even if Alex still didn't fully believe that it had been rape, Olivia knew otherwise. What other choice did Alex have? If Robert had threatened either of them, how could Alex be expected to resist him? She hated Robert for putting Alex in that impossible position, and making Alex blame herself for it. She truly understood why Alex hadn't told her, and why Alex had been so afraid, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The thought of Robert doing what Alex had described to her through her tears and in such graphic detail made Olivia feel ill. She couldn't even begin to imagine how terrified Alex must have felt. And how alone. Olivia cursed herself again for not doing something to stop it. She had known that there was something wrong, but she hadn't been able to convince Alex to open up to her until it was too late. She should have prevented this from happening, or ended it at the very beginning, before Alex had been hurt so badly.

She suddenly felt Alex tense and gave her another kiss in an attempt to calm her body. "It's okay, princess," she murmured, running a hand through Alex's hair. "I'm here. You're safe." She felt Alex's body relax against her, and she kissed the crown of Alex's head. "I promise, baby, I will never let anyone hurt you again."

* * *

><p>Olivia took the next day off work to spend with Alex. She called Arthur Branch and explained to him that Alex was going to need some personal time – she knew that it was going to be difficult for Alex to spend the day in her office with the memories of what Robert had done to her there so fresh.<p>

Alex had awoken several times in the middle of the night, needing to reassure herself that Olivia was still there, and Olivia had been there for her each time, holding her and kissing her and rubbing her back, assuring Alex with gentle words and tender touches that everything was going to be okay.

Around 11:00, Olivia got a call from Casey Novak. Alex had been drifting in and out of sleep for the past few hours, and Olivia had an arm wrapped securely around her, but she disentangled herself from Alex when the phone rang, her heart clenching at Alex's small whimper. "Benson," she said into the phone, stepping out of their bedroom so she wouldn't wake her girlfriend.

"Liv, it's Casey. We've got Robert Durham at the courthouse and he's being arraigned in an hour for first degree sexual abuse. I'm going to need to talk to Alex and get her statement."

Olivia shook her head. "Not today, Casey. She's in pretty bad shape."

Casey sighed. "I'll have Petrovsky issue a restraining order, but he's not going to have high bail, considering I haven't even talked to Alex yet."

"Just take care of it, Casey." She noticed Alex sitting up on the bed and rubbing her eyes, clearly confused. "Casey, I've got to go. I'll bring her in tomorrow, okay?" She hung up the phone and hurried to the bed, sitting down and taking Alex into her arms again. "'Morning, baby," she said, rubbing soothing circles into Alex's back as the blonde slowly awoke. "You doing okay?"

Alex nodded and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I love you," she said, her voice thick with sleep.

Olivia gave Alex a tender smile and kissed her hair. "I love you, too, princess. Always."

**Review for chapter twenty-three!**


	23. Chapter 23

Olivia did her best to make Alex comfortable throughout the day. She made her strawberry banana crepes for breakfast and cuddled up on the couch with her after they'd cleaned up. Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap and Olivia held her close, running her fingers through Alex's hair or rubbing her back, thankful for the closeness with her girlfriend that she'd almost lost. She loved Alex so much.

Alex didn't speak about what Robert had done to her, and Olivia didn't ask. She knew in her heart that she didn't want to know. It had been too painful to hear the non-explicit version. She hadn't realized Alex's pain could affect her this profoundly.

Alex fell asleep curled against Olivia's side, and Olivia tried not to be concerned about her. Alex didn't often sleep during the day, but Olivia knew that Alex's emotions were still roiling and her body was worn out. Olivia pressed a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and flipped off the television, instead opting to turn on some soft classical music, which was Alex's favourite. She stroked Alex's cheek and leaned back against the couch, relishing the feel of her beautiful girlfriend in her arms.

Olivia started when she felt Alex twitch, and she quickly kissed the blonde's forehead as Alex opened her eyes. "Hey, baby," she said softly. "Did you sleep well?"

Alex rubbed her eyes, clearly not fully awake yet. "Liv?"

"Yeah, baby, it's me. You're home with me, sweetheart."

"Mm." Alex's lips curled into a smile and she closed her eyes again, letting her head fall back onto Olivia's lap. "Love you," she murmured.

Olivia smiled down at her, her eyes shining with absolute adoration. "I love you, too, princess. Always." She started to thread her fingers through her girlfriend's hair, enjoying Alex's barely audible mewls of contentment.

Alex shifted after a few minutes and looked up at Olivia. "Come dance with me, Liv," she said quietly, pulling herself up from Olivia's lap.

Olivia beamed, more than happy to comply. She got up and pulled Alex into her arms. "I'll try not to step on your feet," she said with her patented lopsided grin.

"I'm not worried," Alex said, wrapping her arms around Olivia and resting her chin on the detective's shoulder as they swayed around the living room. Every few moments, Olivia leaned forward to kiss Alex's lips, and Alex beamed every time.

Olivia's heart skipped a beat every time she looked at her gorgeous girlfriend. "Oh, my sweet girl," she whispered, unable to help herself. "You are so, so beautiful."

Alex smiled, loving the warmth Olivia was showing her, both through her actions and her words. They continued to spin around the room, slowly, and Alex felt tears rush to her eyes at the love she could physically feel permeating the air. Olivia gave her one of her tender smiles and brushed away the moisture gathered in Alex's eyes before leaning forward to give her another kiss. Alex melted into the kiss and gave a sigh of relief, closing her eyes and just trusting Olivia to be there, with her and for her. She didn't know what she would do without this. She loved and needed Olivia so much that it scared her. She had never felt this way about anyone before.

Olivia hugged her girlfriend to her, so grateful that Alex was still here for her to love. They had come so close.

Alex held Olivia more tightly, looking right into Olivia's eyes and beaming at her. "Change the track. Put on something fast."

"What do you want me to put on?"

Alex shrugged. "Just put in your iPod and let it shuffle. I know you're not big on classical," she said with a sparkle in her baby blues.

"That's okay. I know you like it."

"No, go get your iPod. Put on _Fame_!"

Olivia chuckled. "As you wish." She reluctantly released Alex and went to find her iPod.

When she returned to the living room, she plugged in her iPod and eagerly pulled Alex back into her arms. Alex smiled in contentment as Olivia twirled her, and the two of them danced around the room, basking in the warmth of their togetherness.

* * *

><p>The next day, Alex knew she had to go in to the police station and talk to Casey Novak. Olivia said it was necessary because Robert was going to be arraigned, so Alex tried not to make a fuss about it, but she couldn't help the fear that kept creeping up on her. She didn't want to have to tell a near stranger her most shameful secret, and she certainly didn't want to repeat it in front of twelve jurors and a judge who she would have to see at the courthouse every day for the rest of her career.<p>

She was silent for most of the morning, unresponsive to Olivia's efforts to coax her out of the shell she'd retreated into. When it was time for them to leave, Alex didn't complain. She put on her coat and shoes and followed Olivia out to the car without a word.

They drove to the precinct in silence. Olivia reached over to squeeze Alex's hand and Alex didn't let go, holding on with all that she had.

They walked hand in hand into the police station. Alex had been here many times before, but the familiar precinct suddenly felt new and foreign to her.

Olivia understood without Alex even saying the words. She kissed Alex's cheek and wrapped an arm around her. "You're okay," she said quietly, and instead of irking her, Olivia's words comforted Alex.

Olivia led her to an interrogation room and sat down beside her. Alex had been here so many times before, making a deal with a perp or coaxing a story from an uncooperative victim or witness. It felt awkward to be here now, and she didn't like it.

"Casey will be here in a few minutes," Olivia said, rubbing Alex's back in soothing circles. "All you need to do is tell her what Robert did to you. Just tell the truth."

Alex played with a thread on her shirt and nodded, although she honestly wasn't sure if she could. She feared that her throat would just close up and she wouldn't be able to say a word. She was terrified to speak of what had happened, and she was filled to the core with shame.

The door opened about five minutes later and Casey Novak walked in. She gave Alex an uneasy smile and sat down across from them. "Hi, Alex," she said, a bit awkwardly. "How are you doing?"

Alex just looked at her, and Casey cleared her throat.

"So, um, Robert's going to be arraigned this afternoon. Can you tell me what he did to you?"

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She couldn't. She couldn't talk to Casey about this. Casey was her subordinate. Alex needed to be a professional in front of her. She couldn't break down. She couldn't appear weak.

Olivia put a hand on Alex's shoulder and looked into her girlfriend's eyes. "Alex, can you please tell Casey what happened?"

Alex shook her head.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Olivia said gently. "You can tell us."

"I can't," Alex said, her voice barely a whisper. "It was only rape once. It doesn't matter. I let him –"

"No, baby, you didn't. You _didn't_. You know it wasn't your fault," Olivia said, holding Alex's gaze even as the blonde tried to look away.

Alex pursed her lips and didn't say anything.

Olivia sighed and looked up at Casey. "Make a deal with him. Have him plead to sexual misconduct."

"That's only a class A misdemeanor, Olivia. You know I can't do that –"

"Casey, we're not going to win this. He'll get a year's suspended sentence and a few years of probation, but the important thing is, Alex will be safe. We'll get a restraining order. He'd be an idiot to violate it."

"I'll have to clear it with Branch –"

"None of us want to put Alex through a trial, including Robert. He doesn't want his name tarnished. He'll make the deal."

Casey sighed. "I'll discuss it with Branch, but I'm not sure he'll go for it."

"_Make him _go for it."

"Like I said, I'll try, but no promises."

Olivia nodded. "I'm taking Alex home now."

"Okay." Casey gave Alex a small smile. "Take care of yourself, Alex."

Alex nodded and took Olivia's hand. She let Olivia lead her back out to the car, and the two of them drove home in silence.

* * *

><p>When they got back to their apartment, Alex did her best to put on a brave face and pretend that she wasn't shaken up, and frustrated with herself for being unable to tell Casey what had happened. She brushed away Olivia's words when the detective tried to tell Alex that she was proud of her, instead saying that she was hungry and escaping to the kitchen to prepare lunch. Olivia knew better than to join her.<p>

Alex pursed her lips when she opened the fridge door and saw there was nearly no food in the house. "Liv, you need to go shopping!" she called.

Olivia appeared in the doorway. "Why do _I _need to go shopping? Why can't _you _do it?"

"Because I said so."

Olivia smiled. "That's not a very good reason."

Alex ignored her. "So I guess we'll be having cereal for lunch."

"I've got no problem with that."

"I do."

"Hey." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and rested her chin on her girlfriend's shoulder. "We have strawberry mini-wheats."

"I noticed."

"So what's wrong with that for lunch?"

"Nothing. Except that I had that for breakfast."

Olivia chuckled. "We can order a pizza."

"Sure."

"And brownies?"

Alex made a face. "Do you really need them?"

"Yes!"

"You know, we can bake brownies that taste a lot better, last a lot longer, and cost a lot less. With marshmallows. And walnuts."

Olivia gave Alex her best puppy dog eyes. "But I want the two bite ones. Please?" She placed a series of kisses on her girlfriend's cheek and neck, not letting up until Alex giggled and batted her away.

"Fine. You win. You can have your brownies."

Olivia smirked. "I'll place the order."

After Olivia had called the pizza place, she joined Alex in the living room, sitting down beside her on the couch. She gave her girlfriend a smile and ran her fingers through Alex's hair. Alex sighed and relaxed into the touch.

"Sweetie, you don't have to pretend this isn't affecting you," Olivia said after a moment. "I know you're hurting. Please, talk to me. Let me in."

Alex shook her head. "I don't want to talk, Liv. I just want to be with you."

Olivia nodded and kissed her cheek, guiding Alex to lay her head in her lap as she continued to stroke Alex's silky blonde tresses. "I love you," she said. "Always. I'll always be here for you, and support you, and love you forever."

Alex sniffled. "I love you, too," she whispered.

Olivia leaned down to give Alex another kiss. "I know you're upset," she said softly. "I won't think any less of you for it. If you just want to unload –"

"I'm okay, Liv."

"Baby, I know you're not. That's all right. No one would be after what you've been through –"

"I haven't _been through _anything. I agreed to it, Olivia. I said he could have sex with me. And he even made me – he made me –"

"I know, princess. I know. But it wasn't your fault, Alex. He said he would hurt me. How could you have been expected to refuse him? It's still sexual assault if he coerced you in any way –"

"I don't care what the legal definition is! It is my fault. And I just feel so _dirty_ –"

"Alex, you know it's normal for rape victims to feel that way –"

"I wasn't _raped_, Olivia! Not at first. I agreed to it. I never should have . . . I should have told you, or _somebody_."

"Sweetie, I don't blame you for that. I understand."

Alex shook her head. "You don't. You never will." She sighed. "I'm sorry. Let's just forget about it and try to have a nice day."

"Alex, we can't _forget _about this –"

"Just for now. Please."

The pleading look in Alex's eyes broke Olivia's heart. She couldn't say no to Alex when she asked something so sweetly, so Olivia just sighed and nodded, hugging Alex a little closer.

**Review for chapter twenty-four!**


	24. Chapter 24

When the pizza arrived, Olivia made a concerted effort to talk about anything other than Robert. But it was as if Alex had told her not to think of a pink elephant; Robert was that pink elephant, and that was really the only topic of conversation that came to mind. Eventually, they lapsed into silence. There seemed like there was nothing to say, and Alex hated it. She missed the easy banter they'd shared what seemed like an eternity ago, before this wall had been erected between them. Robert was that wall.

When they finished eating, Alex took the leftovers into the kitchen and put them in the fridge. Then she went back out to the living room and curled up on her girlfriend's lap. Olivia smiled and kissed her hair, rubbing circles into the small of Alex's back. Alex sighed, relaxing into the touch.

"So what do you want to do this afternoon?" Olivia asked after a few minutes.

"Just be with you," Alex replied, smiling up at Olivia. It was a real smile, one that lit up her eyes, and it made Olivia's heart melt. She loved Alex's smiles so much.

"I want to be with you, too. But do you want to do anything? Rent a movie, go for a walk in the park, go out for dinner? Or go grocery shopping?" Olivia's eyes twinkled at the last part.

"That's your job, sweetheart."

Olivia chuckled. "Oh, sure. I'm 'sweetheart' when you want something."

"No. You do have a sweet heart."

Olivia smiled and caressed Alex's cheek with the pad of her thumb. "You're lucky you're cute." She gave Alex a kiss. "You want me to go out now?"

"In a couple hours. We can go together."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "That's what I said."

"I know. But it _is _your job."

Olivia laughed. "Yes, dear. And you are _really _lucky you're cute."

Alex smiled in contentment and laid her head on Olivia's shoulder, her eyes drifting shut as Olivia stroked her hair. "Liv, tell me about when you were a beat cop."

Olivia chuckled and pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. "You just want to picture me in a uniform."

"Am I that transparent?" Alex asked unrepentantly.

Olivia knew Alex loved to hear stories about her days on the street, so she searched her memory for one she hadn't told before. "The first time I got put on traffic duty, it was pretty pathetic. You know how drivers are in New York – the cab drivers would honk at me and give me the finger and yell out their windows at me, and I always tried to yell back that I was just following orders. Then one of them said that didn't work for the Nazis and it wouldn't work for me either, and he refused to brake because apparently he had some rich guy in the backseat who was late for a business meeting. He almost hit me, and I was the one who got chewed out for not stopping him. Directing traffic was not the high point of my career."

Alex laughed. "I can imagine." She kissed Olivia's cheek. "Poor Liv."

"You couldn't have done any better." Olivia thought for a minute. "Actually, not true. They'd all stop just because they'd be staring at how drop-dead gorgeous you are."

Alex smiled in spite of herself. "Oh, you charmer, you." She opened her mouth to say something else but was interrupted when Olivia's cell phone started to ring. "Don't answer that," she said, hugging Olivia more tightly and curling closer to her.

"I have to, sweetie. It might be work." Alex pouted and sighed in discontent as Olivia let go of her briefly to reach for her cell phone. "Benson." She listened for a moment. "Casey? . . . yeah, I'm with her now . . . thanks, Casey. I appreciate it." Olivia closed the phone and turned to Alex, taking her girlfriend into her arms again. "That was Casey. Robert took the deal. He'll plead tomorrow morning."

Alex took a deep breath. A huge weight had been lifted from her chest, but she still couldn't help the residual fear gnawing at her.

Olivia cradled Alex in her arms, comforting her, protecting her. Alex rested her head on Olivia's chest and exhaled as Olivia began to run her fingers through her hair again. "Tell me about your first big case," Alex said. She'd heard this particular story many times, but she loved it nonetheless.

"It was a routine drug bust, or so I thought. My partner went in first and he made the bust and arrested the dealers. The stuff was powdered heroin and it was in packets in a safe in the guy's bedroom. I smashed the safe and went out to the car all cocky and proud of myself . . . until CSU determined that the stuff I'd recovered was not heroin as I'd thought it was, but _baking powder_. Baking powder. It looked the same! I felt like an idiot. The guy had clearly expected us and moved the real drugs off the premises. That's how I ended up walking a beat for another year. Rookie mistake."

Alex chuckled. "You were pretty incompetent. I can't imagine how you ended up where you are now."

"Hey, I found my niche."

"After a series of unfortunate mishaps."

Olivia lightly pinched her side. "Cut it out."

Alex smiled up at her girlfriend and kissed her neck. "I love you anyway, rookie mistakes and all."

"Like you didn't make any when you started out."

"That's right; I didn't."

"Sure. I've heard the one about you getting held in contempt. I was there, remember?"

"That wasn't a rookie mistake. I knew exactly what I was doing."

"I think that makes it worse, sweetie."

"I disagree."

Olivia chuckled. "Of course you do."

* * *

><p>That night, Alex lay in Olivia's arms, her head pressed against her girlfriend's chest. The comfortingly steady rhythm of Olivia's heart soothed her overloaded mind, and as Alex felt herself beginning to drift off into the land of sleep, she pressed a kiss to the side of Olivia's neck. "Love you," she whispered, and smiled when she felt Olivia's arms tighten around her in response.<p>

"I love you, too, princess."

Alex beamed, snuggling closer to her girlfriend. Tomorrow was a brand new day, and she intended to make the most of it. She had Olivia, and that was all that mattered.

**So that's the end of this story. Review if you enjoyed it!**


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